My mind is reeling so fast right now with confusion and doubt, the only thought I manage to formulate is, “Why?”
Memories worm their way back in also. I think back to kindergarten and all the time spent in the loft with him, talking about our favorite holidays and new episodes of Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood. To second grade when he won a giant jar of Wonka Nerds, and we lugged it home and ate every single one. We were sick for weeks, but became addicted to those crazily-colored sugar treats.
Erik Levers and I were always together, joined at the hip, like brother and sister. In fact, we considered each other our siblings, because we had no sisters or brothers of our own. But I came to realize that we were so much more than that. We were each other's rock, the one person we could trust anything with. I came from a middle-class family, who occasionally struggled to get by, but we usually worked it out. His parents were divorced and they had somehow lost all contact with his mother and her side of the family. His father, who was an only child himself, was an absent doctor always at work, and both of Erik's grandparents had died, so he had no one to call 'family' except me, Anna Trueman.
All of our friends believed that we were destined to be together when we got older. But there was nothing romantic between us, ever! We both had friends; but over the years his had slowly turned against him, leaving him with no one but me and his absent father. He was a little out of touch with the world; I guess we both were, but my friends accepted me for it and his didn't. I couldn't believe the stories he sometimes told me, the things his wild mind had thought up. After a while, I realized that the stories that he was making up were just an escape from real life. A life where his dad supplied the money, and Erik took care of the rest. While he had his quirks, he was the most independent person I knew; not many young boys can semi-run a house and still do well in school!
We had sleepovers all the time in fifth and sixth grade. We lived in a very safe neighborhood, so he could leave his house whenever he slept over. The neighbors were snobby, but promised to watch over him and the house if anything ever happened. Half of the nights he would be at my cheerful house, and the other half I would be at his gloomy, depressing one. He said many times that home to him was staying up late, watching comedies until we cried from laughter, and eating an endless supply of Pop Secret Movie Theater Butter popcorn until we were sick.
I seriously don't know what happened. I don't know why, in seventh grade, my best buddy Erik Night started avoiding me. I don't know why we broke apart. I do know that his father lost his job, and they lost the house and all their assets. He moved to a lower-class house and pulled out of school. Every time I tried to go by Erik's house and comfort him, to console him, he pushed me away. After getting rejected for a year, I decided it was time to move on. But his well-being always stayed in the back of my mind.
And then, in the middle of eighth grade, on a Saturday evening, he pulled the trigger.
The bullet went hurtling towards his head.
And somehow did not end my best friend and brother Erik's life. He turned the gun away at the very last second, and the bullet flew past him and into the wall.
And I found myself sitting in the hospital, him beside me, both of us as silent as the grave. I didn't know how he had gotten there, but when I came in, he was sitting outside of room 239, looking alive, but still dead somehow. He was so pale that he didn't look real at all.
When I had come rushing in, the desk clerk sharply told me to be quiet, but after I asked for Erik, her tone softened and she told me an extriemely confusing and surprising thing-- Erik had told the police to call me-- not his dad, not his neighbors, but...me.
It was the first time seeing him in over two months. My arrival seemed to catch him by surprise, like he was a deer and I was the headlights. His expression when he saw me reminded me of his 3rd grade surprise birthday party, when everyone hid under his bed, waiting for him to come home. We all intentionally 'forgot' his birthday to make his surprise that much more amazing, and it was. When we popped out screaming and cheering, I swear he almost peed his pants. It was hilarious.
But this situation was the exact opposite. I had to... get to the bottom of everything.
“Why, Erik?” I took a deep breath, anxious and scared for his response. I didn't know if I even wanted to know.
He seemed startled by my question, as if we were playing the silent game and I, the opposing player, had broken the rules.
“What?”
That was the first word he had spoken to me in over a year.
I zipped my coat up to my chin, put my backpack on the floor, and tightened my gloves. Even though the walls and electricity kept the swirling winds outside, I felt no warmth.
“You heard me.”
“Huh?”
His darting, one-word answers unleashed an agony that I had never felt before.
“The nurse told me what happened.”
He dropped his head into his hands, running his fingers through his hair, and still avoiding my eyes and my questions.
Clearing my throat, I tried a different angle:
“What changed, Erik?”
“What?”
“I said, what changed? With us. We were best friends; you were my brother! I loved spending all that time with you. Hell, we grew up together! How could you just... just...” I couldn't finish my sentence.
He finally looked at me, really looked at me for once. His eyes took in my puffy, red face: my worried and hurt expression. He winced as if he couldn't stand the torture of just looking at me and dropped his gaze to the floor once again.
“You still had me," I said, knowing I was treading on thin ice but still taking the first step. "You weren't alone. I've been waiting this whole time for you to come back, so we could be even just friends again. I miss you. I miss the way you laugh, sing, cry, talk, dance. Everything. You just left. And I have no idea why."
Silence.
Tearing up, I whispered, “What did I do?”
Erik turned to me and practically shouted, “God, Anna! You did nothing, nothing! You were perfect, had a perfect life, perfect friends, perfect everything. Perfect, just fine Anna. Not a worry in the world.”
Startled, I felt myself pulling away from his burst of anger, but forced myself to stay in the present and said, “Erik, I...”
“No, Anna, no! I was not perfect, are you kidding me? I am not perfect. I am nothing. Nothing is what you did and nothing is what I have become. I didn't deserve to be your brother anymore.”
A new emotion flared. Anger.
"So the reason that you've been avoiding me is because I was too... good for you?"
He took a moment to think and then said, “Yes and no.”
I noticed him tearing up, and realized that the only other time I had seen him cry was in fifth grade when I accidentally socked him in the face and knocked his tooth out during an extremely competitive game of softball.
I told myself that I had to stop living in the land of what had been.
“What's the real reason you stopped talking to me? Was it because you told me you loved me that night and I didn't feel the same?”
He recoiled as if I had punched him in the gut. Silence.
“Then why?” I repeated in frustration.
“Because you were too perfect,” he said, interrogating me with his hazel eyes.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
He turned bright red and stuttered. “Nothing. Never mind. And I didn't love you. I was confused.”
“Oh? You were? Well, that's funny. You know what? I don't even care. I just want my brother, who's been ignoring me for the past year of my life, and who just tried to kill himself!”
Silence again.
“Riddle me this, Erik: why do I even bother anymore?”
“Because you still care.”
“And you don't?” My voice had taken on a pleading tone now.
“No.”
Choking back sobs, I slowly reached down, opened my backpack, and pulled out the one item that I thought would remind him of our friendship. I had grabbed it on my way to the hospital when I heard the news. Not taking my eyes off his face, I gently placed a pre-popped bag of Pop Secret Movie Theater Butter into his lap.
I left, letting a trail of peppermint candies drop behind me.
And never looked back.
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140,866 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
This was absolutely amazing!!!!!!! I have nothing else to say
I've been gone for too long. I apologize. But here I am!
NITPICKS|ADDED|CHANGED|PAY ATTENTION
Maybe we could tweak this, because I think that's a tad confusing. what about:
>> Just for clearance.
And one petty last thing:
Make 3rd and 7th third, seventh, respectively.
I've
twothree things to make clear:First, I'm sorry, but your tenses were confusing. What would you think if something told in the past had flahsbacks, which, just like what was happening at that moment of time, used the past tense also. CONFUSING. I must suggest: write it in present tense, so people knows what's happening in the main story, and what was for the background.
Second, I'm sorry again, but there was a hole -- probably not the only one.
How did she know he had tried to suicide?
You have to make that clear. You didn't clear that up actually. And it left me drooling. Umm...did I miss something?
And...
Third, the pace was just too fast. It was pretty much like a rant, in terms of angry speaking. (LOL) The dramatization is lost when you try to tell everything too fast. Don't do that. It's okay to slow up a bit. If you don't get what I'm talking about, I'm talking about the flashbacks. They were too fast, at times I get lost.
Well, that's all really. LOL Thanks so much for waiting. I'm sorry for such a short review.
Don't ever stop writing!
~ Jash ♥
Hey Bubbles. Sorry I took so long. I don't think I have much to say, but I'll try-honestly.
Now wow. Your story telling style is wondrous and I didn't have a hard time correcting any mistake. It was a nice time reading it, and I don't think there was much scope of improvement here since your piece was almost perfect. But I came too late, so others might have said something which I could have.
Okay, my one nit-pick here would be of the looks. Here for the story the looks, how this guy looks is more important than how the lady looks. It might not be of great value to the story or the plot line as such, but we need to really know or imagine him while we're reading the story largely based on him. On the other hand, Anna could have went into how he had changed considerably over the time. Because she had not met him for two months, and boys in that age grow. So you could have divulged upon that equation, too.
Besides, one thing that I'd have liked to know or seen more was how the candies tasted. Honestly telling I haven't ever tasted whatever you were talking about, and since they had so many of it, going back into those days would be refreshing and a cool adventure for us, too. Maybe you could have come up with any flavours it had. Personally, I was expecting a bitter sweet reunion and some happy ever after. I was disappointed, but I am happy it wasn't that predictable end you had in here, but something different. So it was also good.
My one problem with this story would be emotions. Most of the time the emotions you had were like 'bursting in anger' and all, not something I could feel. That was the problem. Even for one second I could not keep myself in her position and think like her. Of course I felt sympathy with her, but nothing I felt myself. So my suggestion would be to bring in her emotions by keeping yourself in her position(though only for the story), and try writing what you'd feel, or how your MC should be feeling taken in her personality and character. I think these are the basics, and you should work on it.
Overall, an excellent job! ^_^
~Shrubbery
Hey there Taylor!
Thanks for the request, sorry it took so long to fulfill
I see that you already come awesome reviews, and I'm not really sure what I can add to that.
Well, your writing was flawless, I loved your descriptions and your MC's voice. What I would have liked is more 'conversation' at the end. The dialogue felt...flat. I wanted more out of Erik. I wanted guilt in his eyes, or choking up when he's trying to talk. I understand that he'd be dazed and confused, but he asked for her and sits there looking dumb? Doesn't react to her presence?
That was pretty much all I had to say. Sorry if I couldn't add more, but you're a very talented writer, and the best reviews are already done. Feel free to request another review from me: it would be a real pleasure to read more of your work.
Tanya
Your review as promised.
A brilliant opener, truly brilliant. Don't forget question marks though.
I like the sense of nostalgia you create here. Building on it a bit more throughout the piece will help a lot.
Interesting shift in tone here. Are you implying one of those "TRUST-ME-THERE'S-NOTHING-GOING-ON-BETWEEN-US-BUT-I-LOVE-HIM-ACTUALLY" type things? If so build on it!
I like this girl's enthusiasm.
I'm not sure why you chose the last image. Are you implying something? Because I would shy away from using such...jarring imagery here. Doesn't quite fit the mood of a Romanticist/Romantic piece. Maybe it's just me.
Slightly impersonal. Well written, technically, but it's very...pointed and slightly academic in tone. I wouldn't be so detached here in style.
Interesting development. She seems surprised, yes, but slightly blown out of proportion. Earth her a bit more - I'm sure deep down she's heard more surprising things actually.
Love this.
Again a good sense of nostalgia.
Slightly vague. What are you implying? What effect does this have on Anna? Give us any detail because if you don't the sentence is just making fun of the reader.
I don't like him much
Brilliant. Good stuff.
Again this slightly jarring imagery. Not quite sure what you want with it. I'm a bit apprehensive of it - perhaps things will be made clearer later in the novel?
Not a good thing to drop a bomb like that on us and then just continue nonchalantly on to the next event. Inform us or don't inform us - there's nothing in between. Teasing the reader is often a bad thing to do.
A slightly cliched point. Please tell me this is not the real reason or I might look for the guy and punch him.
Interesting. A mean streak? Build on this.
Ambiguous twat. Sorry I don't like him
Woo! You go girl! Interesting that you'd bring an end to the nostalgia. Didn't see it coming.
Fatalistically charming I would say.
The story is pretty interesting and well written - from the plot perspective. Your use of short sentences was intermittent and built suspense quite well. I do believe you've re-written it quite a few times so grammar-wise there was nothing that stood out except for this:
Lack of a referent makes it ambiguous. Insert a referent at least to one of the actions to make things clearer.
Some issues remain unresolved, and I think purposely since this is a novel correct?
I would shy away from teasing the reader like that. Introduce new points only when you can make them and flesh them out - otherwise you risk irritating them. Keeping things from them does not go for the "less is more" thing at all.
Also I would like it if you could clarify the use of imagery you selected. I find it intriguing - perhaps you're making a point? If not it's slightly jarring, and for some reason I get disgusted-slightly sexual undertones from them. If that's not what you were going for I suggest you show them the chop.
Good stuff
Hi there! (:
Um... well, I honestly don't have much to complain about with this. xD Your voice is really distinctive and still literary at the same time. I find a lot of times, when a voice stands out, it's because the grammar is poor and the run-on sentences are plenty. But here, your style is very literary and very unique. I love your writing.
The only problem I have is the first sentence. I think it's been mentioned once or twice - I'm not sure, I didn't really read the previous reviews - but it's just... dull. I won't bore you with details of how important the first sentence is, since I'm sure you already know it all. I think the age and height is really unnecessary. Details like that are great, but not for the first sentence.
Also, I think that while most of your dialogue is very natural, this line isn't:
This could honestly just be me being a nitpicky person, or just me being weird. xD But read it out loud... it just seems a bit long and awkward for a person to actually say. Maybe, "Tell me why else I'm too 'perfect' for my best friend, will you?" or something along those lines. Not a big deal though.
Overall, I loved this. I thought it would be a cliche story from the beginning, but it's unique and it's definitely very interesting. You have a great writing style and an interesting story.
Hey Bubbles! Sporks here, as requested.
I go through the story, making comments as I read. Technical errors are in red, word choice suggestions are in green, and my commentary is in purple. Got that? Good. 
My full-text review is in the spoiler. xD
Spoiler
Technical kinda stuff
I actually don't really have any nitpicks. My only suggestion, for the small stuff, is going back and proofreading. An easy way to catch the teeny mistakes is reading aloud.
Story
This is so, so sad. I really liked it a lot. Your voice is already very defined, which is good. I think maybe though, instead of a block of flashbacks, maybe weave them into your narrative. That would make it seem like the reader is actually privy to every thought of Anna's, which is what it seems like you were going for. xD
Overall
I have to admit, I expected some silly love story type thing from the first sentence, and thus I was a bit skeptical. BUT I continued reading and it's absolutely wonderful. Speaking of the first line though, it doesn't really grab my attention. Maybe take a different angle? Or just delete it, and begin with your second sentence, which is much more attention grabbing.
Keep Writing!
Sporks
Hey there,
I tell you what I love about you're story: it feels real. I find myself trying to critique, but I'm having second thoughts. When I read this, there's one thing that I recognise is most present and that is your own style. It's fascinatingly lyrical for prose and I found it an absolute pleasure to read. For example, those sugary sweets? It just seems like too real a situation for a novel and I love it.
Naturally, plot kind of counter-fights all this when it turns into a suicidal kind of theme, but it is still written very quite well. What I will say though is that I preferred the memories a lot more to the plot of the physical narrative. It began feeling a little aggrovating nearer the end because it does become rather cynical and tense. I tell you how you can improve this though: balance things out. Why not take the story and mix it up a little bit? Instead of having memories -> events, why not stick in flash back memories every so and so during the movement and continuation of plot? That way we can avoid feeling drab at any point and enjoy your style and plot.
Anyway, sorry that wasn't much use, but a very good piece.
*Likes*
Ben
Wow, this story was gripping! Are you going to write more or is this the end?
Just a few minor notes...
Yes, it catches my attention, but I don't feel we need to know how tall or old he is just yet. The age would come in when you mention the grade they are in.
I love your descriptions of their childhood together! So sweet and entertaining.
How is it the bullet missed his head if he pulled the trigger? If the gun was pointed to his head, he would have no reaction time to pull down or pull the gun away.
Also, if you do write more, will his depression be explained more?
Sentence, not sentance.
Try a semi-colon instead of the comma between "red face" and "my worried". It seems to flow better with that.
I think this should be taking, correct?
Once more, I loved the story! Write more? Please?
Hope I helped!
<3 Meg
Please write more! I'm begging you!
*Gets down on hands and knees* Please, please, please, write more!
In Erik or Anna's POV, either works because both are filled with emotion and are AMAZING!
Sincerely,
A truly hooked reader who demands more!
Okay, this is my first review on this chapter, so I am still new to this.
I love your story. It's amazing, and gripping. You showed the emotions of the two pretty well, and I am looking forward to reading a sequel. The only thing that you can improve a bit is the dialogue. It's very emotional, but at certain parts seems unnatural. For instance, this part "After a year of self-inflicted isolation, I stopped trying to break through your walls. I was waiting for you to emerge, like a butterfly. But I can see you stayed in your cocoon for as long as you could possibly bear."
Well, I came to review, but honestly could see no grammar/spelling mistakes, and nothing I would change or correct!
I loved your story, and I loved the emotion, and...and...Oh I just loved it all! *squee*
Only thing I would comment on is would a 14 year old be 5'7"? I would have thought he'd be a little shorter...
But anyway, sorry this isn't a proper review, but I just could see nothing to improve upon!
Vampyre
Wow! This is utterley amazing! I would love if you turned this into a book! I would totally read it! Suspenseful and the story is told nice. The emotion is conveyed clearly as is the scene this is a wonderful story!
Tiger here to review! Your story was recommended on the Under-appreciated Works by Fellow YWSers page which you may find here: page.php?id=756 Comments will be in bold.
All in all, this was pretty good. There were, however, quite a few things that didn't make sense and some more things I think were not very clear. You could go over these and the story would be even better. Spelling-wise it was absolutely fine.
Moving on to the story itself, you show us quite clearly that Anna cared for Erik, but you never really show the reverse, you merely tell us. And in their conversation, it is very hard to believe that they were ever friends. There were a few points in their talk where Erik was so stiff and wooden it was hard to feel for him at all. It's also like he tried to kill himself for no reason, I don't think you described his depression at home in enough depth. Having a barely present father doesn't mean he'll be depressed enough to kill himself.
Anyway, it was a good story. Great job, and KEEP WRITING!
TIGERSPRITE
OH MY GOD I WANT MORE:D
Tay it's amazing.
I want more.
and I want popcorn now.
I don't have any problems at all with this:). at ALL. yaay!
tell me when you write more:).
I'll be SURE to read and review for reals!
A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. I'm not an emotional person, and I cried. Well done!!!!
I liked this. The emotions really came across. I think you should write the same scene from Eric's point of view and then maybe write a sequel? It would be interesting to read. Keep going!
Oh, Lord... Bubbles, this story is fantastic. I'm in love with your writing and your story. I cried while reading it, but I won't tell you because I might sound Ridiculous! I saw no grammar errors. I would change NOTHING, it's perfect for me... and...PLEASE... if you write something more send me a link.
Sincerely, Solvy!
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