It started out like any other normal day. Erin, a young girl, was walking home from her middle school in Mattoon, a small town in Illinois. It was late fall, and she delighted herself by crunching the crisp leaves that had fallen as she walked. She usually walked home with her friends, and she had indeed started the three-mile trek home with them, but they stopped to take a break. So she went ahead, waving, laughing, and screaming at them to catch up. She would later regret making so much noise- it drew attention to her, and that was her first mistake.
Walking about a half-mile ahead her friends, Jessica and Susan, she stopped to tie the shoelace of her ripped, muddy turtle Converse. She brushed her long, silky blonde hair out of her eyes and bent down, averting her eyes from the road to her shoelace. It took her about three seconds to tie her shoe, but that was all they needed. She looked up to see a black Toyota speed towards her, and stop. Right next to her.
Two men- she knew by their large builds- jumped out. They were sprinting at her, both clothed in all black. Their most disturbing feature by far was a long, intricate black mask they both wore. The larger one sprinted towards her and grabbed her roughly by the arm, dragging her towards the car, as the smaller one opened the car door. It took Erin a moment to decipher what was going on, but she soon realized that she had to break free. “What the heck?” she screamed, “Stop it! Get away from me! HELP!” She tried with all of her might to escape this treachery, punching, kicking, and biting him. Unfortunately, the man was too strong, and he was successfully dragging her to the car. She frantically spared a look behind her, and her friends were running as fast as they could to her rescue, but they were still blocks away and she was almost to the car.
With a jolt of adrenaline and power one can only achieve from their deepest fear, she slipped out of his grip and swung her backpack at the man’s head. Hard. It made solid contact and she could hear the thump of her biology book against the man’s skull. She was sure he would be knocked unconscious, but didn’t stop to look. She ran with all her might. Just when she thought she was free, the mystery man got up, and now succeeded dragging her to the car. He threw her inside, the slamming of the car door muffling her frantic scream. She was trapped, and scared. A petrified prisoner.
Hey everyone, it's Bubbles! Thanks for taking the time to review this- watch for Chapter Two if you want to know what happens next!!
Thanks again!
*Tay* 
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(P.S.- I'm writing this story to reflect on one of my greatest fears, because I believe that the only way to get rid of your fears is to face them. In a way, this helps me face my fear...... safely, to say. Sorry if you think I'm wierd or it's too scary, but trust me, this is not something I think about often, if it possibly comes on to you like that. Toodles!!)
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140,707 Literary Works • 673,674 Reviews
I haven't looked at the other chapters for this, but it seemed more of a prologue to me than a chapter, just because of its length and tone. Though I do like the picturesque beginning, not to mention you have some excellent description here.
A few nitpicks.
Personally, I'd like to know specifically how young. It would help create the image in my head.
It seemed to me that the fact she was alone is what drew the men's attention to her. Also, depending on her age, I would rethink the waving, laughing, screaming portion of the sentence. It makes Erin seem very young, and right now I'm picturing a girl in middle school or older.
Unless the two girls come into the story later, this piece of information seems to clutter the sentence.
A couple things with this chunk of paragraph. One, you first described both the men running at her, but then, suddenly, it's just the large one coming at her and the short one is opening the car door. Also, I wouldn't describe masks as features, though I do like the creepy factor it adds to the kidnapping.
She slipped out of his grasp a little too easily, considering she was just fighting tooth and nail a moment ago. I would suggest switching up the events, so she hits him with her backpack first, which then causes him to release her.
I would describe her looking over her shoulder and seeing the man get up, since it seems like she's running just facing ahead. Also, there's no description from the man getting up to Erin suddenly being dragged to the car. And does she fight again?
Also, I crossed out the last part of the sentence so that the chapter would end with more dramatic effect.
So far, exciting and solid writing. Keep going with this.
This part makes it seem like it's going to be in first person.It started out like any other normal day. Erin, this part is iffy, it seems kind of wierd in this context.a young girl, was walking home from her middle school in Mattoon, a small town in Illinois. It was late fall, and she delighted herself by crunching the crisp leaves that had fallen as she walked. She usually walked home with her friends, and she had indeed started the three-mile trek home with them, but they stopped to take a break. So she went ahead, waving, laughing, and screaming at them to catch up. She would later regret making so much noise- it drew attention to her, and that was her first mistake.
Walking about a half-mile ahead her friends, Jessica and Susan, she stopped to tie the shoelace of her ripped, muddy turtle Converse. She brushed her long, silky blonde hair out of her eyes and bent down, averting her eyes from the road to her shoelace. It took her about three seconds to tie her shoe, but that was all they needed. She looked up to see a black Toyota speed towards her, and stop. Right next to her.Erin looked up to see a black Toyota speeding towards her, and stop right next to her.
Two men- she knew by their large builds- jumped out. They were sprinting at her, both clothed in all black. Their most disturbing feature by far was a long, intricate black mask they both wore. The larger one sprinted towards her and grabbed her roughly by the arm, dragging her towards the car, as the smaller one opened the car door. It took Erin a moment to decipher what was going on, but she soon realized that she had to break free. “What the heck?” she screamed, “Stop it! Get away from me! HELP!” She tried with all of her might to escape this treachery, punching, kicking, and biting him. Unfortunately, the man was too strong, and he was successfully dragging her to the car. She frantically spared a look behind her, and her friends were running as fast as they could to her rescue, but they were still blocks away and she was almost to the car.
With a jolt of adrenaline and power one can only achieve from their deepest fear, she slipped out of his grip and swung her backpack at the man’s head. Hard. It made solid contact and she could hear the thump of her biology book against the man’s skull. She was sure he would be knocked unconscious, but didn’t stop to look. She ran with all her might. Just when she thought she was free, the mystery man got up, and now succeeded dragging her to the car. He threw her inside, the slamming of the car door muffling her frantic scream. She was trapped, and scared. A petrified prisoner.
Overall another good story. I think it's awesome that you want to face your fears and I hope this helps you. Best of luck!
I think it's a great idea to learn about your fear. It might even make for a better story that way.
I must say it was slightly cliche. Kind of ordinary. Like any other kidnapping I've ever read about. You could add a few more things in here too. Like her friends. Did they see this in the distance? How did they react?
The setting: please try to describe it some more. I'm pretty sure it's like a suburban area or something, right? If it is, wouldn't someone hear her and notice?
By the way, the flow was excellent here. It was very suspenseful and a little scary at the same time. Good job! I totally want to read more. Keep posting.
Taylor i loved this.
no matter how many posts on mistakes it's still a thrill for me!!!
Heh. Heh. Yah.
Sorry if this story epically fails, I'm just pulling out of a devistating two week writer's block. (That's not an excuse)
As for the changes, I will be sure to make them happen!
Pheonix- I am a person who encorporates many old-fashioned words into my writing. Alas is just a transitioning word I used.
Next chapter will be better!
*Tay*
Phoenix here to review.
To much description on the hair. Long and blonde is enough.
I'd say jump out. Ran out sound weird for some reason.
If they're succeeding without much struggle then they aren't trying. Just say dragging her towards the car.
“
A little dramatic. I suppose she could be a dramatic character, but I'd have to say get rid of that word.
The word was weakens the flow of writing. Try to eliminate was from your writing unless there really is no other option. When in word go to the Find button and find and highlight all the was.
That's a bit too old fashioned for this particular piece.
This was interesting, and it does grab the reader. I think the only real problem would be word choice. Which changes the feel of the narrative to much, and sometimes undermines the seriousness of the situation. For instance, calling the man a gorilla man. She is being kidnapped. These are bad men and shouldn't be compared to animals in such a flippant way. Now if you introduced him getting out of the car as gorilla like in stature, then that would work.
Anyway really good.
Hi, it's PenNPaper here.
Your story was okay, it wasn't that exciting as it should have been(Sorry if this seems harsh).
Info dump, we really didn't need to know her age.
Basically, a cliche, too many of these 'changed his/her entire life' things are used.
That's all for the mistakes, sorry if I was a little harsh. Please keep writing, and good luck with your other stories.
Bye for now!