Slave to Master

NOTE: This is now dedicated to TommySneak! He ruins me, so of -course- I had to write a poem JUST for him, so very fifty-shades like, right?

Oh my god! This is sooo creepy and amazing. I love it. It's just... ahhh!

You're wonderfully dark. I dig.

Neva

Epic,

The first thing that stands out about this poem is the form ;D I am liking the short lines overall, I think it actually does help the piece by quickening the pace and creating a creepiness. I kind of think of Smeagol from LOTR, and the way he talks being very short-handed and such, your first stanza opens up with a lot of "s" sounds and words - so I get a nice hiss -- which would be /perfect/ if you're able to continue it throughout the piece.

I think overall, the piece is longer than it needs to be. I would probably leave out a few stanzas, or else combine a few. Say it once, say it right. Stanzas 4 & 5 do the same thing for me, whereas stanza 3 really doesn't do much. Pain and pleasure doesn't need to be stated when they're implied throughout the poem itself.

Now, I loved the concept for this, a slave and his/her master...I loved the creepiness, I love how it comes at you in flashes, and only reveals a little bit at a time. But the jarring aspects of the poem is how it seems to hold back, it just seems like you're trying your best to restrain a mad, ravving dog -- but I say, let it free. Let it go! See what happens when you turn it in to a free-form. Forget about 5 line-stanzas. And forget about having that last stanza end in 2 syllables, and whatever else pattern you wanted to adhere to --- in a way, the restraint kind of fits in with the theme, but it doesn't do much that is new or exciting or awe-inspiring to merit that kind of restraint. I'd rather you be free to work on as much of the canvas as you choose then to try to adhere to form.

I hope that helps, but let me know if you need me to explain or go into further depth, or if you have any questions =^-^=

~ as always Audy

Hey Epic,

First to review, hooray! This is really good, the pacing is excellent and the word choice is just amazing. A bit creepy, but creepy is good! I can't really think of anything to fix, the only thing I might change is the title (but I don't actually know if you can change that once it's posted). I just think that you could name it something that ties into the poem a little more. I like the title, but it starts you off thinking that this poem is going to be something very different from what this poem actually is. If you like it, keep it, don't let me change your mind, it was just a thought. Once again Epic, you have created an excellent poem, thanks for sharing!

~Zeph