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Hornet (Title undecided)

by EpicRubberDucksFTW


I felt the drowsiness return seconds after I opened my eyes. Damn drugs. My limbs felt heavy, and I knew I only had a few moments left of consciousness. I tried to observe my surroundings before my eyelids shut and I lost consciousness once again. I scanned around. As far as I could tell, I was in a small, windowless, white room. I couldn’t see any doors, and the only distinct object in the room was a set of bars that were attached to the wall. I didn’t see the purpose in them, because they looked just like those bars you see in a dance studio. I decided not to focus on them. I tried to listen for any evidence as to where I was, or if anyone was around me, but I couldn’t hear anything. Either the drugs didn’t allow me to hear, or the walls were simply soundproof. I attempted to move my arm, but it felt too heavy, and my muscles burned in pain. I wanted to scream, but my throat felt hoarse. I tried something simpler, like moving my fingers, but I couldn’t even do that. The same pain came. I tried to turn my head to see anything else, but I slowly started feeling my eyelids get heavier by the second, and soon enough, I returned to my unconscious state.

When I awoke again, I was in a different room. It was still white, but I could hear my surroundings. I was lying on my back, so all I could see was the white ceiling. I wanted to get a better look, so I tried to move my head. To my surprise, I could actually move. I looked to my right, and saw machines with long, colorful wires streaming out of it. At the ends of the wires were little metal hooks. I tried not to imagine what those were used for, but I had a pretty good idea. I turned my head to my left to see a larger machine with several different scans on it. I couldn’t actually tell what they said, so I tried focusing on moving. I tried to prop myself up with my elbows, but my hands were bound with this strong straps to what looked like an operating table.


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Thu Jul 29, 2021 7:29 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I felt the drowsiness return seconds after I opened my eyes. Damn drugs. My limbs felt heavy, and I knew I only had a few moments left of consciousness. I tried to observe my surroundings before my eyelids shut and I lost consciousness once again. I scanned around. As far as I could tell, I was in a small, windowless, white room. I couldn’t see any doors, and the only distinct object in the room was a set of bars that were attached to the wall. I didn’t see the purpose in them, because they looked just like those bars you see in a dance studio. I decided not to focus on them. I tried to listen for any evidence as to where I was, or if anyone was around me, but I couldn’t hear anything. Either the drugs didn’t allow me to hear, or the walls were simply soundproof. I attempted to move my arm, but it felt too heavy, and my muscles burned in pain. I wanted to scream, but my throat felt hoarse. I tried something simpler, like moving my fingers, but I couldn’t even do that. The same pain came. I tried to turn my head to see anything else, but I slowly started feeling my eyelids get heavier by the second, and soon enough, I returned to my unconscious state.


Well that was a pretty intense start there...phew, that definitely seems to indicate that we have something very, very serious going on in this place here at the moment. The whole talk of drifting in and out of consciousness that we've got here, with the mention of whatever has been put into this person's system being able to restrict basically all movement that this person can think of here. You can certainly tell that whoever ended up doing this whole thing certainly means business here. I do love the way that you've described things here, the description of this person trying to systematically find out what the effects of the drug are while also suffering from the consequences of it really do nail home just how crazy this opening scene is.

When I awoke again, I was in a different room. It was still white, but I could hear my surroundings. I was lying on my back, so all I could see was the white ceiling. I wanted to get a better look, so I tried to move my head. To my surprise, I could actually move. I looked to my right, and saw machines with long, colorful wires streaming out of it. At the ends of the wires were little metal hooks. I tried not to imagine what those were used for, but I had a pretty good idea. I turned my head to my left to see a larger machine with several different scans on it. I couldn’t actually tell what they said, so I tried focusing on moving. I tried to prop myself up with my elbows, but my hands were bound with this strong straps to what looked like an operating table.


Well, that ended on a somewhat relaxing looking note although you can very clearly see that we have some details scattered in there that do still manage to convey that some kind of nefarious stuff is going on there behind the scenes here. And I love the buildup there where things are slowly being revealed to this person. It really puts you in the perspective of this person who's slowly realizing things one by one and then the ending with the reveal of an operating table and the crazy machines just plays perfectly to bring this to an end here. Overall, a really solid looking start you've got here, and it definitely seems like the type of story I'd want to read more on here :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 8:27 pm
Bellator wrote a review...



This is really good! It left me wondering what was going to happen. The element of mystery was really intriguing. You have a nice flow, too. However, it was a little short. I was hoping for a more decisive ending. Also, maybe add in a little more character development. Who is this person? Are they male or female? What is their name? Other than that, a very good beginning. Keep writing!




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Tue Jun 04, 2013 3:50 pm
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hi Epic!

I think you have an interesting beginning here, although I am wondering why it isn't longer. You start to hook us in and by the time I hit the end I've started to be interested but I'm left not thinking too much because you don't give us much more. I know this is the beginning but a couple more paragraphs would have been great.

You have a good sense of narration at the moment, your main character (mc) has a distinct voice and we're not left with any unclear messages or phrases, everything is in line. You have a lot of repetition though, and I think that is detracting from the story on the whole. We aren't given much to begin with, but I can justify that if I'm given some meaty information pretty quickly, but that isn't happening here, it's all surprisingly slow in pace. I feel like the MC should be more groggy and less coherent in the first paragraph - they've been drugged! I don't understand if they're sitting down or what, considering that they are able to look at the whole room but also can't move their head without lots of pain. That's what we call a plot hole. In the second instance I feel like there should be a bit more panic, I would try to get up before I did anything, even look around, so I'd like to know what's going on with this person. Some of that comes with the following paragraphs but right now we're not given much and working with that is difficult.

I suggest that you continue writing this and consider slimming down this first paragraph, making it more concise and strong. If you write more, I'd love to know, y

Hit me up with any questions, queries or just to chat.

- Penguin




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Sat Jun 01, 2013 5:58 pm
Andrea2676Marie wrote a review...



Oh my, this got me hooked. I really hope that you are working on more, I want to read the whole story! Even in only an introduction you paint a picture by being so descriptive. It's also really mysterious, because you don't know who it is or why they are on an operating table. I would love to know more about the character, especially since the drugs were tied into it in the beginning and not the person is in a sticky situation. Please extend it! Would love to read more!





“Such nonsense!" declared Dr Greysteel. "Whoever heard of cats doing anything useful!" "Except for staring at one in a supercilious manner," said Strange. "That has a sort of moral usefulness, I suppose, in making one feel uncomfortable and encouraging sober reflection upon one's imperfections.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell