[YET TO BE NAMED]
In beautifull evergreen forest, was a ravenous and disheveled dog named Greg. His fur was tangled and knotted with various insects clinging to his stinky tail. Moreover, he was hungry. The poor dog's throat burned for water, and stomach ached with emptiness. He searched every nook and corner of the forest. Not a measly scrap to be found. But finally, as Greg approached a rocky clearing, he spotted and heard the most outstanding singing coming from a colorful bird named Maria.
Her feathers neatly assorted into their proper places. Not a speck of dust to be found on her unblemished body. She preened her feathers every couple seconds to create a flush of light and color. And her tail--her tail extended a whole foot colored with the rainbow. Greg was dazzled at the pretty sight, but his hunger got the best of him. His mind was filled with ravenous thoughts of devouring poor Maria. It would be the best feast he would have for days. He got into attack position, which he had practiced hundreds of times for moments like these, and sprung into the air with his mouth open. He could feel the air rushing past him and got ready to snap his vicious teeth around the helpless bird. However, he could feel himself slowing before he got to Maria, and to his astonishment, this jump wasn't enough. The bird was so high, it remained indifferent at Gregs attempt. He had no choice but to climb the evergreen tree.
Unfortunate for Greg, this tree was the oldest, tallest and weakest among the whole forest. He jumped from limb to limb carefull to step only on thickest branches. The tree got narrower, and hard to hide from her. After minutes of climbing, Greg needed to take only one more step to reach the optimal attack position. Despite his hard work, he accidently placed his rear foot on a weak branch and heard a crack. The branch was collapsing under his weight! Not only was he about to fall, but Maria too heard the crack of the branches, and prepared for flight. It was now or never. Greg used all his energy to prance upward, but then again, most of his momentum was lost due to the falling branch. He opened his jaws and managed to grasp one of the birds long tail feathers. Gregd, overjoyed from his success was unaware of the hard rocky ground he was about to encounter. He prepared himself for the impact, but saw a body of water a few feet away. He mustered all the energy he had left to rebound him from the tree and into the lake. SPLASH! He dove headfirst into the clearing of water with Maria in his mouth.
"Please Mr. Dog, spare me!" Maria now drenched and unable to take off, began running, but running was Gregs forte. In a few seconds, Greg was on her again. Maria was finally captured. "Im gonna cook you up and eat you for dinner!" said Greg. His jaws tightened to make the kill. "Noooo, please don't eat me! I will propose you a deal, but first, let me out!" Maria yelled. "I will find you the best food in all of the forest if you let me free!" Greg dropping Maria responded, "Why should I wait for the best food in the forest if I have it in front of me right now?" With that Maria replied "I will supply you with food for 1 week!" Greg thought about this, and recalled that, he could get food for 1 week, then eat Maria afterwards! Thinking that Greg had outsmarted Maria, was sadly mistaken, for Maria had a plan too.
The next day, Greg was on his way to meet Maria at the location they had decided. He felt smug about his idea to clip Maria's wings, so she couldn't fly. At Greg's destination, he saw a variety of neatly assorted foods from fruits to meats. Greg suprised at the meal Maria put before him said, "How did you get all this food?!" But before Greg realized that she got all the forests help to get the food, Maria responded, "Some others helped me of course." Without a moment to waste the dog jumped in to gobble down every last scrap of food. As he ate, the bird told the dog, "You are very strong for a dog who travels the forest by himself. I would imagine you are very adept at hunting and are able to catch even the fastest rodents in the whole forest." Greg, knowing he isn's capable of catching a single mouse said to Maria, "Yes, I am the fastest, strongest and most skillful dog in the whole evergreen forest." At this, the bird silently left the dog to finish his meal.
The day after this, the two animals of the forest met again. And once again, the dog devoured his feast. Maria stared at Greg wearily. He quickly glanced at Maria and saw the fatigue in her eyes. He noticed she was about to leave. She turned around and stumbled down the forest floor when the dog stopped eating and hollered, "Wait Maria, enjoy this feast with me." He saw the excitment in her eyes as she approached the food. The two of them sat together as they finished their meal. Maria let out a silent laughter for her plan was working.
The third day of their deal, Greg arrived at the site early to greet Maria. She came with an envoy of other birds who helped her carry the food. Greg once again excited at the sight of the tasty food, said, "Hi Maria, beautiful day we are having." Maria said, "Yes, today the sun is shining brighter, the trees are greener and the air is warmer.
(I wanted to know if this is good so far, I was planning to make Maria fake fall in love with the dog, and when he does he will unclip her wings. Then she will make a run for it. But after a couple days, they really do fall in love with each other.)
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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This is an interesting piece. I enjoyed the fable-like aspect of it. It sounds like something you might come across while reading the Brothers Grimm.
Anyway, I do have a few suggestions. In some parts, you often jump from scene to scene with little detail. ex
"He searched every nook and corner of the forest. Not a measly scrap to be found. But finally, as Greg approached a rocky clearing..."
In this part there could have been a little more description as Greg searches for the food he desires.
Other than, it was a reasonably well thought out story. Keep writing!
Hey there!
Some background. I'm a professional editor. I do this kind of work for a job.You're most likely going to be a little shocked to see the amount of edits on your first couple of pages. That's OK. I promise you that professional authors are seeing the same amount on their drafts.
I've edited most of your writing and posted through Google Docs. Don't feel like I'm being overly harsh - this is how editing works in the professional world and any feelings of cold-heartedness on my part are only perceived and do not reflect how I feel about your writing. All editors want to do their job well, and our jobs are to help you become the best writers you can.
There are some issues I didn't delve into, like paragraph breaks and dialogue issues. I suggest reading some more in the genre you hope to write, and taking notes on how those authors write their stories.
Hope I can help!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NlA ... sp=sharing
Hello, love.
Aurora here with a quick review for you.
God, it's been so long since I've been on here.
Anyway~ I like this, but you've got a lot of technical errors to fix up. I won't go into that, however- you are smart enough to figure that out by yourself.
First of all, I'd split up some of those gigantic paragraphs that you have here.
It hurts my eyes!
But before Greg realized that she got all the forests help to get the food, Maria responded, "Some others helped me of course."
That makes no sense.
Finally, I'd extend this chapter a bit more, maybe add more interaction between greg and maria. I'd also like it better if the characters were human- but that's your call.
Keep persisting, love.
~Aure
Thank you for the advice Mr. Wayne and Aurora99, I will definently take your suggestions into consideration.
I found this story in one of my documents from long ago--wanted to see if I could "renew" it. I am going to start fresh... wish me luck!
Luck!