Otherworld - Prologue (part 1)

Thanks for the reviews! They're really helpful. I'll keep all of your suggestions in mind as I rewrite and finish this piece.

I pronounce Cerys as Keh-ris. It's a Welsh name, as are all the names in my story. The story is inspired by Welsh mythology, but it's not based on any Welsh myths or stories.

I agree with TheNewHero. It's a good start and it has a hook, but it wasn't quite prominent enough for me to really feel like I want to continue reading.

I like your description of the mist, good imagery in my opinion.

“No,” Cerys whispered, shaking her head in disbelieve.

scrap the first paragraph. Everything revealed in the first paragraph can be entwined in the events. You don't need to establish the setting from the first word. Leave it a bit misty. I like the dark sillouete make it a tall dark sillouete and I'm sold. The 'mothers love' theme is always a goodie. Let me guess, the baby grows up the mother dies at the peak of the crescendo and the baby becomes a hero? or does his mother die here and he/she is raised by the baddie and therefore becomes a baddie ala Anniken Skywalker? oh the possibilities. I enjoyed it but some tweaking will work wonders. Good Luck!
JP

I really didn't get it. I think it's mostly because this really isn't my writing style, but I agree with the others, you just placed her there. I know that if I was writing I'd have the character question why and how she ended up there.
I also have to point out that you really didn't describe the dark figure. Was it tall and lanky or short and plump? I have one withstanding question- how do you pronounce the woman's name? Cerys? It sounds cool. I really didn't find any grammer mistakes, so it's all within the matter of keeping the readers interested. I was very interested but I just wish there was more to the material.
Update me please!

Good hookline!

Thank you so much for the reviews! I understand what you mean about hooking the reader. I see now that I wasn't really telling the reader anything about Cerys or the conflict. I'll rewrite this piece and post the prologue when it's finished (completely this time ).

I like it. It creative of but the story starts out of nowhere. you do have your MC in the beginning but you don't have the conflict in the beginning. If you make it into a story have a intro. or if you are going to keep the beginning out of nowhere then write a story that goes before this story. I hope you will write more of this story because it's good just needs a few changes.

Hey its IR here. I'm here to review your story so far and give (hopefully) some good pointers. PM me if you have any questions.

The first they i thought was like i was impressed with the descriptions. I could picture it in my mind well. Somethings to change in the beginning as the new hero suggested is a hook. Somebody once commented that the first line of your story should grab the ready by the throat and pull them in, so work on that.

Then her heart stopped as a black silhouette appeared suddenly in the fog.

Hmm... I could feel the potential but you couldn't hook me. However you managed to draw out a rough outline of what I think your story is going to be about in such a small space, good.

Pointers:

Create a hook, why should I read? What's so special about this lady, why is she here. What's her realtionship to the mist guy? The baby and of course how did the lady get there. You kind of dumped her there and expected us to know why and how.

However it is an interesting plot, just get a hook like this maybe:

Envy-the-Sinners wrote:“No,” Cerys whispered, shaking her head in disbelieve. “You can’t have this much power…” She struggled against his grip on her body, but found she was frozen in place; her will was not as strong as his magic. She gasped in frustration. She was hopeless, her baby would die. A painful lump formed in her throat and tears welled up, reddening her sky blue eyes.