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Introducing: Lota the Formidable

by EntirelyMundane

*Forewarning: This piece is still undergoing major construction! Thank you!*

She was about five feet and two inches tall, or short, but that didn't matter. What mattered was the fact that even with Her height, or lack thereof, She held the strength of a full-grown warrior and had a determination of Steel (which was what the trolls of the Western Bridges in Sunblaze had taken to calling Her).

There was nothing that specifically stood out about Her- nothing in Her physical appearance that made Her special. She had dark brown eyes, straight-long black hair, a pale complexion, yet in a full view, She was beautiful. 

She had the grace of a tigress and was greatly feared. Men of War trembled at the whisper of Her voice and High Witches screeched at the mention of Her existence. She was the strongest of Her family in both Her simplicity and passion. Her eyes were the window to Her soul, but She also knew how to lock them.

And yet, no one knew Her true name. In Sunblaze She was known by many names, but in the National Realm She was known as Lota the Formidable.

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325 Reviews

Points: 689
Reviews: 325

Wed Jan 27, 2016 7:37 pm
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tigeraye says...

This is a really interesting start! Your character's description is very vivid and intriguing, but now keep going ^^

Thank you! I'm definitely going to keep going!! :D

~ Mundy

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Points: 327
Reviews: 1

Wed Jan 27, 2016 9:34 am
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Beachbum wrote a review...

Hi! Beachbum here! Im not that pro in writing reviews, in fact im actually new here but I'd like to give you my thoughts on what you wrote.

It's actually interesting, your story I mean and I'd love to read your next posts on this. Comparing grace to a doe though didn't really fit. Another animal maybe? Can't think of one to suggest right now but im sure theres one out there. I understand that you meant to use the doe because of how theyre innocent and usually the prey instead of the predator, but I think it would be better to choose a less clumsy and weak animal. Anyway, other than that, you should continue posting. Id love to know more about the character especially since witches screech at the mention of her existence. If witches fear her, then this must be one interesting character :)

Heya Beachbum! I'm with you on a non-pro for reviews, being a new YWSer, but I'm thankful for yours!

I'll definitely be posting more as I grow into this site, I'm thankful that you are interested though. It really motivates me to keep going! :D

For the doe, I agree with you entirely. I found that when reading Hiraeth's review, I wanted to compare her more to someone of the feline family- potentially a tigress or something.

As for the character, if you read more of what I'll hopefully be posting in ensuing weeks, you'll definitely be seeing much of her! I'm really excited about her, excited to the point of which I've never been when writing!

Thank you for your review again! :)

~ Mundy

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475 Reviews

Points: 1461
Reviews: 475

Wed Jan 27, 2016 6:58 am
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Apricity wrote a review...

Hey there! Welcome to YWS! I hope you'll enjoy your stay here, Hiraeth here for a review! Before I dive into the review I just want to comment on what you've posted here. It seems that you've given us a snippet rather than the entire story, or rather what seems to be summary of the story you're either about to write or have written. Instead of doing this, you could post this on your profile and you don't have to waste 200 points.

The one thing that stood out to me was how heavy the description was here. Most of the descriptions are ordinary and they aren't bad but they don't really add emotion to the piece. What I ask you is this, are all these descriptions essential to the piece? Can you convey it in shorter words, if you can then do so. The second paragraph seems to be conveying the same message that she was very powerful, powerful than most men. She was beautiful and innocent but she could be fierce and ferocious as well.

She had the grace of a doe and a mist of innocence blanketed around Her, but She was also greatly feared; Her eyes could blaze with a fire hot enough to melt titanium and could freeze with ice that could turn anyone into a sculpture.

I'm not entirely comfortable with the metaphors here, when I think about doe I think about innocence not so much about grace. Doe are usually fragile, clumsy creatures. Blaze and fire are too close together, titanium is an awkward comparison here and it's also awkward due to its length. It's much better if you opt for a less well, cliche metaphor. The same with the ice metaphor, it essentially has the same meaning with the fire metaphor. I suggest you keep on and nix the other.

Due to how short this was I don't really have any other critique for it, I'm sorry if I seemed harsh from what I've read it seems that Lota could be a very interesting character just take note not to make her too powerful or turn her into a Mary Sue.

If you've got any questions, don't hesitate to ask.


Thank you so much for your review Hiraeth!

I have to agree with you on everything you said. I realized after I had posted that I could have done a much longer piece for the same amount of coins and not wasted a post on such a short description. I plan to go back through and edit it as soon as I have more time on my hands and will lengthen it a bit to build it into a full story.

I also agree with you on the state of the metaphors. I could have definitely done without them entirely. I have a hard time substituting shorter phrases with the long ones you see here. I hope to fix that when I go back through. In my full stories, I usually don't have this problem. I think when I wrote this one, I was trying to lengthen it by adding more of what ended up to be too much.

I'm also thinking that rather than a doe, it would be better to compare her to a feline, or some other fierce yet graceful creature. I have no idea what exactly I was thinking with using a doe actually, talk about cliche! :/ I must work on that soon.

As for Lota as a character, I want to make her powerful in every physical sense, but as the story (or stories, I might do a mini-series. I have a lot of plans for this one) unfolds, it will reveal that even though she seems like this perfect character, her hamartia lies within her mental state.

Again, thank you so much for your review! Everything you have said is incredibly useful and I'm very grateful for the critique! :)

Apricity says...

Thanks for the reply! I'm glad my review was of some help, you sound like you know what you're doing and that's awesome! If you ever do decide to post more of this, please feel free to tag me I'd be more than happy to take a look. c:

Love is not an emotion. Love is a promise.
— 12th Doctor