Would I trade my heart,
For a thorn-rose?
Pricked me and there I was,
At the blissful start.
...
Holding me to your still-beating heart,
You lifted me off my feet.
Leaving things soft and sound,
I asked, "will you remain bound?"
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Ayoooo! Aleta here for a brief review on your nice poem. (Also, as I have seen this is one of your first poems, welcome to the site...possibly!)
First impressions on this: short, simple, and sweet. Your poem gets straight to the point and the title really outlines it all. Seeing as the word contemplative means "expressing or involving prolonged thought", and duo meaning two, the thoughtful duo drew me in. Really I had to ask myself what is the main thought of this poem? I really liked the comparison of the speaker, who said 'thorn-rose'. Roses are beautiful, and they smell sweet, although their thorns can be much sharper and deadly. This was a great way to describe love. The blood that probably ran down the speaker's finger can represent the speaker surrending to this new girl/guy.
Now that this person has surrendered, they are doubtful the other person will stay, thus the question, "will you remain bound?". I think the last line kind of shook this off though and became a bit unnatached from what you were saying previously.
If you fixed up especially the last line I think it would be way better.
Cheers!
Kat here for a reviews, this is an interesting poem to say the least.
It makes me think a lot and leaves me rather puzzled. So let em try to break this down. There's a girl and she traded her love for something that wouldn't really make her happy but in the beginning she thought it would. Then it moves to their relationship and everything seems good but she is worried. In the last stanza she suspects him of being unfaithful and then something about a salary that kind of loses me. Your last stanza feels like it wants to be a nice impactful close but it feels more like a disconnect the wy it is now. I like the vagueness of this poem for most of it because it makes you stop and think and gives the work a unique feeling. However, don't leave your readers hanging too much (I feel like a hypocrite when I say this.) I don't really have much else to say, it was short and sweet and your imagery was spot on. I found the title intriguing and think it's a nice fit for this work as it doesn't revel too much about the piece but still draws the reader in. For your writing style specifically, I think you'd have a lot of fun by playing around with your syntax.
Sincerely,
Kat
Thank you for your criticism! I felt I was too vague with the theme and rhythm. I'll try to aim for something concise and meaningful in my next submission.
Hi! I liked your poem, but there's some things I would like to say since this is a review. To be completely honest, I kinda don't know what's going on. The topic keeps changing. The rhyme is inconsistent so it makes it even more confusing. The last two lines kinda messed up the flow you had there. "I spent my month's salary." What connection does it have with the rest of the poem? What is the poem about? Those are the questions that I don't have the answer for. I really loved your poem! and if it was a bit more clear then I would love it all the more!
-Lolosboing
Thank you for your review! I honestly felt I was too vague with the meaning, and the more I edited the more superficial the poem felt. I suppose for my next spin I would do well to pay attention to the subject and rhythm!