z

Young Writers Society



Unorthodox Thieves (Chap. 19): Tree Climbing 010

by EnderFlash


“We’re done, let’s go.” Lucius turned around and managed one step before Wila grabbed his collar and jerked him backwards. He gave a strangled yelp and his hands flew up to his throat, both to rub it in comfort and to pry her fingers off of his coat. “Wha-

“It can’t have been more than five minutes. Come on, Luc!” Wila said, rolling her eyes. She prodded him in the shoulder, frowning when he flinched away, and kicked a nearby tree. There was a resounding thump and while the tree remained still, specks of bark flaked off. “If you really hate sticking around me, climb a tree with Mikhail and look around there.”

Lucius looked upwards, taking in the round, frail-looking branches and the wispy formation of the leaves. It wouldn’t support his weight for a second. His response to Wila was a withering glance and he grabbed a low branch, twisting the soft wood off with no problem. He tossed it at her and crossed his arms. “I can’t climb, anyways.”

“You can’t climb.” Wila plucked the branch off of where it had stuck to her chest and let it fall to the grass. “Dude, anyone can climb. You mean that you suck at it?”

“Specifics,” he said with a shrug. Compared to the overbearing sun in the beach, the forest area was cold and the sunlight, a musty yellow-green with the leaves acting as stained glass, provided no compensation. He wrapped his overcoat a little tighter and wished that it still had buttons to hold it together. Lucius stole a look in the direction of the plains, remembering its placid temperature.

Wila gave him a little push and retracted her hands fast enough that Lucius couldn’t smack her away. He did try, though, and Wila sighed at his failed attempt at rejection. It was the thought that counted, and Lucius’s wariness seemed to disappoint her. “Oh, come on, Luc.”

“You have knives. Please don’t touch me.” Lucius edged away, forcing his tone into a casual one like he wasn't genuinely scared of Wila killing him anytime.  He wetted his lips and considered the grooves on a nearby tree. He could figure out a way to scale it. Eventually. “If I climb this, can I be sure you won’t stab me?”

“You don’t just ask those things,” Wila giggled, before sobering up, “and while I’m going to say that I promise to not do so, you probably won’t believe me anyways.”

“Bingo.” Lucius tested a protrusion near the base of the trunk, and was pleased to see that he could push against it without his foot slipping. “Mikhail?” he called out, hoping to get some tips from the albino. The boy didn’t appear, and Lucius realized with a scowl that he would have to do this alone. The closest branch was a foot or so above his head, and Lucius gripped it with his hands. There was no way he would be able to pull himself onto it, so he spared himself the embarrassment and placed his right foot onto the bump he had tried out earlier. It was then that he understood that he really didn’t know how to climb a tree and he spent several awkward seconds contemplating what step to take next. Lucius shifted his right foot a little higher, before taking it back down and switching it with his left foot. No height was gained. “… Ah, darn it.”

Wila unfortunately noticed his troubles and floated over, grinning. “Looks like you’re having a problem.”

“Go away,” Lucius grumbled, keeping his eyes trained on the tree. Why did it have to be so vertical? “Mikhail!” he shouted, and felt some perverse satisfaction when Wila stumbled back with her hands over her ears.

“Yes?” Mikhail was standing on a thick but round branch, one foot nestled in the fork of two leafy extensions and the other pressed against the trunk. Although admirably high up, he was within full view and Lucius wondered how he hadn’t seen the boy before. On the same train of thought, it was also a mystery that Mikhail had not heard Lucius’s earlier call.

“How did you get up there?” Lucius complained, releasing the branch he was holding and rubbing his palms together to get rid of the scratchiness. “I can’t even get off the ground.”

“You can jump,” Wila hissed, but Mikhail couldn’t hear and Lucius ignored her.

Mikhail hesitated, mumbling something. He bent an invasive branch away from him and inched closer to the trunk. He said something again, louder but still too quiet to make out.

“I can’t hear you!” Lucius exclaimed, cupping his hands around his mouth.

The boy frowned and bent down, slipping onto a lower branch. His hands remained attached to the higher branch until both feet were planted on the wood, which was considerably thinner than the one he had been standing on. “Um, you find some crevices or bumps to hold onto, a-and then you slowly pull yourself up to a branch… Yeah.”

“Wow, thanks,” Lucius flatly said. “Now I can climb this no problem.”

Mikhail grimaced and remained silent as he made his way lower. Now, he was only a couple feet above Lucius’s head and talking no longer required shouting. “I never said I was good at explanations…”

Lucius pieced together Mikhail’s pseudo-mumbles with some effort. “Mikhail, either speak louder or get off the tree. I can’t imagine dealing with this on a daily basis…” He added the last part to himself, but Mikhail’s hearing must’ve been better than his speech, because the boy heard him.

“That’s w-what my sister always said, but she did anyways,” Mikhail replied, shrugging. “I guess you will too.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1274 Reviews


Points: 35799
Reviews: 1274

Donate
Sun Jan 31, 2016 8:48 pm
niteowl wrote a review...



Hello again Ender! Niteowl here to review for the Sanguine Warriors.

“If you really hate sticking with me, climb a tree like Mikhail and look around there.”


Just another nit-pick here.

He wrapped his overcoat a little tighter and wished that it still had buttons to hold it together.


Okay, wait a minute. Where did these clothes magically come from? I don't think this has been addressed, aside from when they stole the clothes from the grave in an earlier chapter.

The boy didn’t appear, and Lucius realized with a pout that he would have to do this alone.


Another nit-picky thing, but the word "pout" feels pretty gendered to me. Girls and women pout, while boys and men might frown or scowl. Having a male character pout just sounds weird to me.

I like the humor in the dialogue at the end.

I also assumed the chapter name was supposed to be "101". Though perhaps "010" is appropriate, seeing as classes below "100" or "1000" at the university level (at least where I've attended) are remedial and it seems like Lucius is pretty remedial at tree climbing.




EnderFlash says...


Lucius had that overcoat to begin with- it was briefly mentioned in the first chapter, so it was easy to miss. I'll make sure to fix the other stuff you mentioned!

Perhaps Lucius is so bad at tree climbing that 101 is too much for him.



User avatar
557 Reviews


Points: 33593
Reviews: 557

Donate
Sun Dec 20, 2015 1:39 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



Ha ha! I will catch up with a vengeance! Now let's get this review rolling, shall we?

General Comments:

In addition to Miss Hart's comment on varying sentence length, I think it is time for a reminder to vary sentence structure as well. I found very few non-dialogue sentences which didn't begin with the subject of the sentence, and that might have also affected Miss Hart's take.

Details:

Nitpick no. 1:

“Dude, anyone can climb. You mean that you suck at it?”
While in German and Chinese we generally don't use helping verbs in questions, modern English is a terrible language that requires them. (Also, if you don't use a helping verb, then you have to invert the word order, and then you sound like you're in the sixteenth century.) Wila's question on Lucius sucking at tree-climbing should either be changed to a statement or get a helping verb (like 'do,' which is an awful word, but inevitably useful).

Nitpick no. 2:
Mikhail, either speak louder or get off the tree.
I understand that it is fun to play with grammar in dialogue, but please use a preposition that doesn't imply that Mikhail is on top of the tree.

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

I have been very mean in the last two sections...

1. Have you considered doing something like what Hunter and I do, where you break up chapters into parts? My general theory on chapters is that they should have at least one critical event, revelation, or purpose. This may be why you tend to think your chapters are filler as well, even if they aren't, because they are building to something but never getting there until a different chapter.

It may be too late to change your chapter methods now, for the sake of consistency, but it is something to think about.

2. Ooh! More back-story on Mikhail! How very exciting. Too bad Wila is less free with her past. Also, it's always a plus to have those little allusions to other people or things. They flesh out characters in a way that personality alone can't quite accomplish.

That's it for this chapter! I'm going to a jazz concert tonight, so I won't be able to catch up more until tomorrow. Ciao for now.
-Buggie




Ventomology says...


Oh, and also, did you do the 010 on purpose, or is it supposed to be 101?



EnderFlash says...


I'll keep the chapter thing in mind for when I rewrite this thing. I've always been a dubious on the splitting thing, but you make a good point. Also, yes, it's supposed to be 010. Not quite sure why. It was done on a whim.



User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 714
Reviews: 6

Donate
Sun Nov 29, 2015 7:48 pm
CarolineHart wrote a review...



So, before I review this, I'll admit that I did not read the previous chapters. That being said, I think I got a very clear picture of the characters right away, even though I know that this isn't a starting chapter. I think that's really important, to let the characters be strong enough to shine in each individual chapter. So very nice job with that!

Your grammar was very clean, and your word choice was strong. The one thing I can think to improve on is to vary the length of paragraphs and sentences a bit more. This would help it sound more appealing. But that's not a major thing. So overall, nice job!




EnderFlash says...


Thank you! :D I've been told to vary my sentence lengths before- I'll definitely work on that.




“A good book isn't written, it's rewritten.”
— Phyllis A. Whitney, Guide to Fiction Writing