The Boy

hey Lyds. Love this poem, it's really sad and written really well
You need to write some more baby girl!! And it needs to flow a little better (though I have no place to talk, all my writing is terrible and my last review for this it removed because Hannah doesn't know your my IRL friend and wanted me to review your stuff so I'm trying again ). Can't wait to see more of your work Hun looking forward to it.

Last verse is my favourite by the way, it sounds the best to be and made me year up a bit when I first read this D:
Keep up the good work baby girl xxx

- 0rki3 xxxxxx

Hey EmoChik! You only received one review from your Secret Santa during Christmas in July (as this is the only work in your portfolio), so here I am to give you that second review.

Now I generally avoid reviewing poetry like the plague because my poetry reviews are hardly the best things in the world, but I shall try my best for you with this! I just want to apologise in advance if this review is a little pooey.

Anyways, I think you have a nice little poem here. I like that's it's short because I think it creates good impact, and the subject is definitely interesting. I'm assuming that the boy's dad was a soldier in the army, but I like how you don't specifically say that. Instead you hint at it without just downright saying it, and I think that has far greater impact than if you had just said it. Plus I like how the narrative's simplicity and wording sounds childlike, sort of as if the boy himself is saying it. I'm not personally a massive fan of rhyming poems, especially ones with serious subject matters like this, but that's just me being biased so I won't critique you with that!

As for critiques, I think that some imagery could be beneficial here. While I do like the simple atmosphere you create with this poem, it would be even better if you threw in some deeper descriptions, effective adjectives, maybe some similes, metaphors e.t.c. You can keep that simple feel and have these things, and that's what I'd suggest you do. You could maybe create a childlike simile, for example. I won't give any specific examples myself because I am absolutely dreadful at imagery myself, but I'm sure you could think of something.

He sits there cold and crying.

Hi little author here

I really enjoyed this poem. It was really powerful and it have me shivers down my back. I really liked the simplicity of it and how something so short could be so powerful. It was beautiful and hunting in the best ways possible.

Keep writing

Hiya! Secret Santa here! :3

Wow, I think this is quite a powerful poem. You bring to light a hard situation that some kids have to go through without a parent or family member, longing and hoping that they will come home, but knowing they never will.

I liked the simplicity of it. It seems to be in the tone that a young child might use, especially the last line, "The bad guys shot his Daddy, dead."

There are a few little grammar and punctuation things I see, but some might be intentional. For example, Daddy wouldn't usually be capitalized like you have it here. It would be if it were substituting a name. But I guess it's okay capitalized if it's emphasizing the father's importance to the boy or something like that, though. Another thing, I think some of the commas should be periods. Like between the first and second lines of each stanza. I think it would emphasize the point of the poem more. But however you want to do it is perfectly fine.

Overall, I love the poem and the message it gets across. I think you did a great job on this. Happy writing

Wow a very powerful poem. I almost cried, it reminded me of the people who don't have their parents with them. The people who are in foster care. I would love to hear more of your poems. All i can say is well done and keep it up.
Gothgirl

The poem sheds light on a real issue and it proves a truly meaningful idea.

I think it would have been more dramatic if you added more details, but other than that its perfect.

I love your style in writing and I love the way you expressed it!

Good work!

Oh my goodness.. I'm trying not to cry.. This is a beautiful little poem that..wow.. And I thought I had bad days. I truly love the last sentence because it is what a young child would say.. Your heart really goes out to this little guy, whether he was based off of a real person or not..

I would, maybe add a semi-colon in a small little place like:
'He sees other people, he feels so alone.' Perhaps add one there.

And maybe at the end, and believe me, I've been told this too, take away the capitals. Like..
'But his Daddy won't come home,
(h)e won't tuck him into bed,
(b)ecause his Daddy lives under a gravestone.'

Other than that, there is no criticizing this poem. You have great spelling, punctuation, etc. Sentence structure is excellent. It is, like knivesandpens said, one of the best poems I've read. I'm definitely keeping up on your poems. Much love if this is based on true or not.

The Little Storm Writer, GG <3

This poem is one of the best poems that I have ever read. A lot of people can relate to it. Even if it's not there dads, it could be there moms, uncles, aunts, nieces, nephews, anything. This poem relates to all of that. I think it should be read by everyone. Although it being sad, it shows the truth about something that many family's have to go through every day. This poem brings out emotion in everyone. Nice job. It was a really fantastic poem.

WOW this poem is amazing it really got me thinking about
some pooor kids outta their with no families and all they can do is hope.
Its very emotion and good punchuation,
I think its a little too sad for the people who has lost parents anywayz
I loved it and I love the way it rhyms is this something to do with you?
Your past?....

This brang a tear to my eye! Made me realise how unlucky people are not to have dads. Its quite sad really. I love the poem and how it is structured and the ryming words are excellent. i love you and the things you write. Its deep and meaningful and so lovely. Its not depressing it just deep and has a lot of meaning which is great and awesome

This poem is fantastic!
I love the fact that you wrote it in a way a small child would.
I feel that adds to the meaning and the emotion of the poem.
Its pure beauty! I love it.
Keep us the amazing work, I'm looking forward to see more of your work!
But i must ask, what made you write something like this?
If its too personal, feel free to message me.

XXX

Obviously, as everyone else has already articulated, very well done on the feel of the poem. It feels very "kiddy" in places, while still having words that a kid might not use.

The only thing that made me feel odd about it was that the beats and syllable counts made it very awkward to read. I'd shorten the first lines of the first two stanzas to a length where the first line of the third stanza doesn't stick out as being so short.

Hi emochick!
I'm hanorah and I'll be reviewing your poem today!
First of all,I would like to say hands down,well done.Most people wouldent take this angle of things when making a poem about death.I like how you described it so simply,but you could still feel all the pain this little boy is going through.Its quite heartbreaking really,emphasising on the things that his father can't do for him.I don't think I can find any mistakes,so I have no critism,well done!i would give it 10/10

What a stunning poem . Really . This is so simplistic yet effective . I give you credit for writing such a well structured poem like a professional poet .

I really liked the way you wrote this in a way that a small child would write it , which adds to the meaning . The fact that this could have actually happened to a father that could have a dangerous job. It is so heartbreaking to read something so real .

What an excellent piece of art . Well done

Hmm, heartwarming. The emotions are the key element here. Such sadness and torture is seen here. I have to wonder, is this a true stroy? I seems like it is. The story of a boy who's father had been killed, and he doesn't understand that he's not coming back.... It's common, but not wrong in any way.
Anyway, no spelling or grammar mistakes here, which is good. Every metaphor fits in right there with the words. I absolutely love it!

First off, This conveys much emotion. I agree with FlowerChild that metaphors are necessary in this particular piece in order to get the reader in tune with the how The Boy feels. As far as the title is concerned, it is about The Boy and how he feels so the title in my opinion is good. I like how you mention the gravestone as it paints a picture of death and furthermore, depression. The poem is sad and depressing, but given this type of poem, that's a good thing. Overall, Good Job. Keep Writing:-)

This is beautiful! I absolutely love it. The words speak out, the emotions packed in this poem are so strong. Although I am not sure if you need the comma in the last line before dead. Also, there is no apostrophe in won't. Other than this, no problem. I liked that it rhymed. Looking forward to more work from you!

Hey it's Flower and I'm here for a review. I'm going to warn you in advance I'm a pretty harsh reviewer, but it's all for the betterment of your writing.

This wasn't sad at all to me. I actually got really bored reading this. There is no description, you need powerful words. This reads like a short, colorless, story. You need metaphors in this and something to make the reader know how the boy feels. You need to catch the reader from the beginning, starting with the title. "The Boy," never caught my attention. The only reason I read it was because you said it was depressing and that is how I write.

I don't think, "The bad guys," really cuts it. We want to know what really happened to his dad. Why is he not coming home? You leave so many things unknown. You need the language, you need the metaphors. Writing is a lot of work and it isn't done in five minutes. You can write for hours and it not be perfect. This can be great but it needs a lot of work. If you need help let me know.

Hello PumpkinCat here with a review of "The Boy". It is depressing and it is even more depressing that you posted it on Father's day, but luckily for you I like sad poems they really bring out emotion and meaning. Now I really do like your rhyming in all of it but like SharraeWilson said you could in the second stanza change the word dying to dead because his father is already dead so. And I don't think your title's that bad but it's not really eye catching per say. You could maybe call it "Tuck me in" or "Come Home Daddy" something like that. Anyways good work keep it up 10/10 ~P.C

I really do like this it has a feel to it like after the second stanza I was hoping that his father comes.

I like how you rhymed is spots I feel that thats good. Its not bad. Its really really good and I really like it.

maybe in the second stanza instead of dying you could put dead, because his fathers already dead and not really dying.

I like the last stanza it puts all of it together and the reasons on why he didn't come or didn't tuck him in. I like it lots.

Maybe a rewrite on the title instead of The Boy maybe The Boy's Daddy or something because you're talking about the father being dead and whats he doing but yet your still talking about the dead father. So tie the father into the title