Published March 28, 2010
I pushed my way through the sharp touch of the long, crooked fingers that hung on the trees. Everywhere I turned, it seemed that the cold feeling followed, and there was no escape; I could sense it.
“Come to us!” The voice whispered. The chilly, night air paralyzed my lungs, making the run impossible. I had to get out of the woods, I couldn’t look back.
I could feel the hairs on my neck prickle, and stand on end. Before I could realize what was happening, the tip of my sneaker caught the edge of a fallen tree, and sent my flying over.
I landed on soft, muddy earth that made my ears ring. They were getting closer, I could feel it. A chill wavered its way through my body, and I lay there. Wondering what would happen next, the world went black, allowing me to wake in a cold sweat. My head pulsed in my skull, I knew what it meant. It was a sign, a deadly sign that meant there was no escape.
A sign that meant they were coming back for my family.
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139,735 Literary Works • 672,669 Reviews
Thanks! I will definately look it over, and try to use the advice you gave me!
-*(EmmyRoo)*-
Hey, welcome to YWS! I'll be your reviewer for today.
First off, try and post more of your story next time. This small piece of text doesn't give me much to critic, especially since the beginning is intentionally confusing. Maybe post this and the next Chapter in one post for example. But on to the actual review.
"I could": you used I could about 6 times in this short piece. Try and rephrase it
"Wondering what would happen next, the world went black, allowing me to wake in a cold sweat.": This sentence was confusing. You could break this into a couple smaller sentences and expand on each of them.
Overall, this is definitely a beginning. Let's see more!