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Young Writers Society


12+

With a Flick of His Wand (Part 1)

by Emmie


“And now for my final trick...I will make someone disappear!” declared Merlin the Mystic, “But first I need a volunteer.”

I watched as a sea of hands shot up into the air like rockets. It was surprising how many sensible people could be fooled by these dime-a-dozen conmen. Beside me Mandy’s hand rose with the rest of them. I rolled my eyes. For a girl who claimed to get straight A’s on her report card she could be pretty gullible, especially when it came to these magic shows.

“What are you doing? You know you’re not gonna get picked, right? He has a plant in the audience and he’s going to pick her,” I said as I watched Merlin sweep his eyes over the crowd presumably looking for his assistant.

“How do you know?” she asked defensively.

“Because it’s what they all do.”

“No they don’t,” Mandy argued raising her hand higher and waving it.

“Yes they do and this,” I said as I mimicked her action,“won’t help you.”

Mandy slump into her chair, defeated. I felt kind of bad for the kid but she needed to learn the ways of the world someday. And I think that these lessons should be passed down from one sister to another instead of spread cruelly on the school yard. I remember when I was “taught” that magic isn’t real (ok maybe it was more clobbered into me but you get the point) and I sure would appreciated a reality check before reality “checked” me.

“Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.”

“What is it now?” I moaned.

“Lisa he picked me! He picked me!” Mandy exclaimed as she went up to join the enigmatic man.

“What!?”

Well this certainly not going to help her overactive imagination. I think his name should be Merlin the Maddening instead of Merlin the Magnificent. It would sure suit him better; he is defiantly making me mad. Does he realize what kind of monster he has created? He probably doesn’t as he won’t be the one dealing with it. Merlin the Maddening began his speech about how he was going to make the young dame disappear…blah, blah, blah. He then ushered her into a small wooden box that was painted to look like some kind of enchanted machine. Oh this’ll be good, Mandy is afraid of small spaces. To my astonishment she still stepped into the container. She was a little jittered but her bravery was commendable. He flicked his wand and spun the box around. Oh no, not only is Mandy claustrophobic but she also gets motion sick. Hopefully he has already made her “disappear”. He opened the contraption and voila no more Mandy. The audience gasped and burst into an uproar of applause. Jeepers, don’t they realize that she’s in a secret panel? I mean, I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist to figure it out. After waiting for the noise to die down the magician closed the front hatch of the box.

“And now I will make her reappear,” he announced as he waved his wand and spun the box around a second time.

BZZZZZZZZZZ!! I looked down at my phone to see a message from my boyfriend Andy; finally something interesting. I began to respond: Haha, these magic shows r so boring! The audience just gasped at Mandy’s reappearance. It’s like she DIDN’T reappear or something…

“This young child seems to be an even greater magician than I but no one can beat Merlin the Magnificent!”

Haha stupid magician can’t even work out his own… WAIT! Did he just say that Mandy was a better magician than he is? What’s going on? I looked up to find Merlin standing in the middle of the stage trying to control the frantic spectators.

“Where is Mandy? Where is my sister? What have you done with her?” I screamed as I ran up on stage.

Two men appeared and held me back. I kicked and yelled at them before crumpling to a pile on the ground. Oh god what has happened? What have I done? The world was collapsing around me. Tears welled up in my eyes drowning me. I gasped for air. My body went numb and then the whole world went black.


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Fri Aug 09, 2013 8:18 am
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

I really couldn't find anything wrong with this so I'm going to be focusing on the content and plot in this review. But to start off, I do have just a few nitpicks:

Spoiler! :
declared Merlin the Mystic, “But first I need a volunteer.”

There should be a period after the word 'Mystic'.

Beside me Mandy’s hand rose with the rest of them.

Always put a comma in front of people's names whenever you're talking about them in a sentence. I'm not really sure why, but that's always how it is. So this sentence should read "Beside me, Mandy's hand rose...."

The biggest paragraph you have here really should be broken into two paragraphs. When you reach the sentence, "Merlin the Maddening began his speech about how he was going to make the young dame disappear..." another paragraph should start. This is because one whole idea is shifting to another. Lisa is sitting there thinking about how her sister gets claustrophobic and then the "action" begins. In order to completely deviate from Lisa's thoughts and the "action", a new paragraph should be made.


Well, that's all for nitpicks. As you can see, I didn't really have much to say. There aren't any grammar or spelling errors I found so kudos to you for no mistakes! :)

Alright, onto the content:

I really like the idea of this story. No, really, I think it's awesome. I've never read a story about a magician before, much less one that no one knows is a magician. I think it's pretty cool how you tell this story from Lisa's point of view, not Mandy's, because we the readers get to see how bitter Lisa is towards this magician and magic in general. That really gives it a greater effect when we find out that Mandy is indeed a magician as well.

Speaking of which, it seems that there is a small hole in the story at that point. It's obvious that Mandy has not reappeared during the trick, but you seem to not have much description about that. All I can tell is that Lisa got a text and then she started freaking out. I haven't seen the empty box or the magician's crinkled brow as he tries to understand where the young girl has gone. I'd suggest adding in just a little description here just to make sure that the readers know that she has truly disappeared.

Overall this is a good start. I like how you leave us with a cliff hanger, drawing us in to read the next chapter. Your writing style is nice and I like the way you're narrating the story. Your story telling is good as well. Keep up the good work!

Let me know when the next chapter is out :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Fri Aug 09, 2013 6:32 am
TriSARAHtops wrote a review...



Firstly, a little bit of nitpicking:
You wrote defiantly when I think you meant definitely in the first sentence of the biggest paragraph, but it's the only error I can see.

Your writing is pretty good, there are just a few sections that don't flow perfectly, or needed a comma here and there. There's also something about the character's internal dialogue that didn't quite sit right with me... I think just the way it was put in amongst the action that didn't quite feel natural.

But overall, I think that your writing has a sort of honesty to it and it is easy and enjoyable to read, and I liked the character's voice. I'm very interested to see where this story goes, and how you are able to develop your characters and the action more.




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Thu Aug 08, 2013 8:50 pm
Roundsquare says...



This is a charming piece I really enjoyed reading it.




Emmie says...


Thank you!! I really appreciate the positive feedback!



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Thu Aug 08, 2013 8:36 pm
eviehoward wrote a review...



HI there! I have come to review your piece of writing. :D

First off, I love magic books :D And I can see you really tried with this first chapter. I will start with the positives. I love the concept, and you instantly hook the reader with the whole mystery behind Merlin, and the disappearance of Mandy.

However, you still need to work on this. This chapter is VERY short. It barely touches on the emotions of protagonist. All we get are facts, we know she disappears and that Lisa is being restrained by the people at the show. But we don't get a real feel of her emotions. Maybe pad it out? Describe her emotions instead of asking all the questions.

Next of all is the style, punctuation and grammar:

* "Beside me Mandy’s hand rose with the rest of them"-There should be a comma next to the word 'me'.
* "Haha stupid magician can’t even work out his own." -the use of 'haha' is generally only online. In a book we don't usually see this type of language. I'd suggest refraining from this kind of language as you want to attract younger and older audiences with your work. Even younger readers get put off by informal language.


I really like the way the story is going so far though, you have the start of something good! Keep writing, and if you need any help with ideas or if you're not sure about how to phrase something then please don't hesitate to PM me :)




Emmie says...


I really liked your suggestions and I think they will make this story better! In my next draft I will try and develop the characters more (it has always kind of been a weaker point of mine). The use of the word "Haha" is a response to a text sent by her boyfriend so I am trying to use texting "lingo". Should I still refrain from it or make it more obvious that she is texting? I'll be sure to PM you if I have any more questions!


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eviehoward says...


I think make it more obvious that it is texting. If you're quoting texts or remembering them then that sort of lingo is acceptable :)



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Thu Aug 08, 2013 8:33 pm
KnightTeen wrote a review...



I thought that this was very funny and engaging, and I enjoyed reading it.

There are no grammar or spelling errors as far as I can see.

There are only two things that I would like to mention, and they are this.

1) All of your paragraphs are not that large in the beginning, and towards the end, but in the middle you have that one very large paragraph. It makes the middle feel a little heavy and crowded to me, and my recommendation is to split it up into two or three smaller paragraphs to fit it with the rest of the story.

2) Your ending is a little abrupt and not very detailed. When did the spectators become frantic? I know that this is told in first person, but how did she not hear the crowd? And I think that she might have had a panic attack, but I am not entirely sure, so a little more detail there wouldn't hurt either.

Happy Writing!
HT




Emmie says...


Hi! I'm very happy to hear your feedback! I will try and incorporate your ideas into my next draft!





I'm glad I could help.




In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
— Robert Frost