Published December 9, 2010
Hey everyone, this is just a peom I felt like writing the other day, needs edits! suggestions please?
Dead Magic.
Her nimble fingers weave magic
The delicate creators of a web so fine,
Spun in gold through night and day
A flourishing art, are but the remains of labour unkind
She weeps quietly in the darkness, a heart heavy with sorrow
As a rushing sea of crimson swims upon her work
The shadows grow into towering creatures
Prowling in a sullen place, a place where little girls should not be
“Save me” She whines as her magic is lost
And the golden web unravels time
Illusion and rhyme are all that is left,
Reality but a bundle of lies
Should we weep for those in shackles?
Bound with no liberty?
And there her frail small body gives way,
Meeting a ground so unwelcoming...
The master adorned in riches and lust
Cries out in anger as the crimson sea flows.
His eyes swimming with greed
Search the girl as she pleads, begging for mercy
“Oh Lord” She screams in despair
Her bruised back collapsing
“How dare you, you infantile!” cries the master again
Why had such a sweet young girl been destined to hell?
He draws out a whip and she seeks her escape
In a world full of fantasy with princes and castles
She smiles faintly and then falls to the blackness
And those nimble fingers weave not magic now…
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yes it is about child slavery, more precisely the kids who weave carpets and such
Hello. Looking at the poem theres a few changes that i'd do. They're not neccersairly a critizism, but, what my personal opinion and thought is on it.
Overall, i pretty like this poem. It has a pleasent (while at the same time, not being pleasent) fantasy element and you do actually feel for the girl. Well done, next time, try to stabalize your stanzas and if you are going to change the structure of each one, then make sure it flows well.
~Nova.
This is a seriously good poem. But i could make a few adjustments...
"A flourishing art, are but the remains of labour unkind"
This line sort of ruins the flow of the rest of it. You could rewrite it as:
"A flourishing art, but the remains of labour unkind"
This stanza is one of the best out of the whole thing, great rythym and flow!
"She weeps quietly in the darkness, a heart heavy with sorrow
As a rushing sea of crimson swims upon her work
The shadows grow into towering creatures
Prowling in a sullen place, a place where little girls should not be
“Save me” She whines as her magic is lost
And the golden web unravels time
Illusion and rhyme are all that is left,
Reality but a bundle of lies"
You could probably delete the word "small" it's kind of a distraction.
"Should we weep for those in shackles?
Bound with no liberty?
And there her frail body gives way,
Meeting a ground so unwelcoming..."
This is such a sad poem, does it have anything to do with child slavery?
This is amazing. Its really interesting when you imagine it like a movie. The Poem is beautiful and creative.
Great Job!
Beautiful
You really put images in my head.
Keep on writing poetry xx
*smiles* great!!
Okay, the last bit slightly freaked me out, but if i had to figure it out, im guessing its the vision of a daydream a girl is having, while in a mill.
Good Writing!
Geronimo!