Published October 19, 2010
I’ve been chasing stars ‘round this universe
Playing hopscotch down the Milky Way
Calling on the constellations for a place to call my own
My home is there where bliss flows free
That place, that joy, that ecstasy
A place that’s free of all gravity
We call all men embraced by honesty
United by peace and harmony
Thriving not in savagery
But what we do we do with pride
In a world where evil and good collide
We fight for men, no rules abide
So here I am chasing stars ‘round this universe
Looking for my home and,
Trying to find the love we all lost
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
I liked this poem a lot; a solid seven out of ten, it's just the ending that seemed a little warbled. Perhaps a syllable is missing from the ending, but it seems to fly *straight when the rest of the poem *spirals you know what I'm saying? I like how you say 'it's man against man, no rules abide' (or summat) so the world sounds a little ruthless. It's a very good poem,
Hi. I'm Lacey and I'll be reviewing your poem today. (That sounds like I'm a plane captain
) I put punctuation in different colors in the quote and any comments will be made outside of it.
I like the first two lines, especially the part about playing hopscotch, but the third seems off rhythm. Later, in the rest of the poem, you invoke a lot of rhyming so it would fit to have that in the introduction too. Trying reading it out loud; whatever comes natural after that is probably your best bet.
I like this but the ‘where’ seems a bit awkward for some reason. Maybe putting ‘my home is set where bliss flows free’ or something of the like.
Taking out the ‘all’ would make it flow a bit better.
It feels as if there’s an extra syllable here and my brain can’t get past it.
I adore that line.
I love that you were blending a rhyming scheme with a free verse. The only problem I saw with that is that the introduction didn't flow as well into the next stanza. My head had to stop and recollect itself in order to continue. It was the same with the last stanza. There was more punctuation I could have added, but that also adds something that you should. Certain stops for certain points and such.
I did like this poem. The message of love lost, and how we need it back to truly have a home. Wonderful job.
Write on,
Lacey
Great work. I liked the theme, really
About how the universe being so vast and trying to find our way through it, like a playground.
I have no major criticism... Maybe try to resolve one kind of method of writing next time. Maybe try blank verse or rhyme for the entire body of the poem. Though I still did enjoy the combination of the two
But again great job and just keep on working
This is a really nice piece you've got here. I love how the middle verses rhyme but the first and last don't. It's a very sweet, truthful bit of poetry, and I really like how you've worded it, especially the fourth verse.
My favourite part would have to be,
Yeah, so basically I have no real critiscism. I just thought I'd tell you how much I loved it
Smashles