Dreaming

ultraviolet wrote:Not going to nitpick, since I've seen some people already have, but I do have one comment.

Auteur, you said you liked the opening line, but not how it was structured. True, it could be written better, but personally, I don't like your solution any better. (In fact, much, much less.) I don't mean to be cruel, but that's my opinion.

No, that's alright

I'm not sure exactly how you could structure it, but I watched myself die that night seems too teenage-diary-ish.

Yes, I agree haha.

Like when I saw her with him, my soul died. The original way seems much more... I don't know... bold? Upfront, or frank, perhaps?

Mm...true. I like it how it is. I was just suggesting
Like the difference between I died and I'm dead. Can you see/hear it?

This is just my opinion, and may be way off, but that's what I think. Hope I helped somehow.

LOVE --ULTRAVIOLET

Not going to nitpick, since I've seen some people already have, but I do have one comment.

Auteur, you said you liked the opening line, but not how it was structured. True, it could be written better, but personally, I don't like your solution any better. (In fact, much, much less.) I don't mean to be cruel, but that's my opinion. I'm not sure exactly how you could structure it, but I watched myself die that night seems too teenage-diary-ish. Like when I saw her with him, my soul died. The original way seems much more... I don't know... bold? Upfront, or frank, perhaps? Like the difference between I died and I'm dead. Can you see/hear it?

This is just my opinion, and may be way off, but that's what I think. Hope I helped somehow.

LOVE --ULTRAVIOLET

I just let myself slowly slip toward the bottom of what I was assuming was the ocean. I could feel the cold water spilling into my lungs, my eyes closing. I feel limp as I land on a dark rock at the bottom. After time, I begin to see myself deteriorate, flesh decomposing, fish nibbling at my finger tips, until I’m nothing. Nothing but an empty, forgotten skeleton of a girl at the bottom of the endless sea. No one comes looking for me, no realizes I’m gone.

No one comes for this time.

This time I’m alone, like I was at the bottom of the ocean. For the first time in my life, I really am alone. Tyler and Leon are gone, and for all I know, they’re never coming back. Even my parents are gone from the house, at work, distracting themselves from the truth of our lives.

I wrap my arms around my knees and realize that I’m freezing, despite the fact that it’s nearly 77◦ F. in the house. My hands are shaking when they cross over the bandage on my leg. I’d forgotten it was there, for it was no longer hurting. I try to stand up and my knees nearly buckle because I’m vibrating.

I remember that I spent eight hours yesterday training with Anthony. My shoulders are burning and my arms and stomach had several bruises on them. I walked out to the living room and realized that both my legs were throbbing.

Afraid that all my nightmares would come true, Tyler would die and it would be my fault, I would die, and no one would notice.

EmmaDarius wrote:That night, I watched myself die.
Absolutely love this opening sentence. However something seems a bit off-key, the way it's structured. Maybe you could change it to: "I watched myself die that night." It's more effective. It's something to do with the comma. Because you would read it as a "That night." *pause* "I watched myself die." Whereas you want it to be one simple sentence without a pause or break. Does that make sense?


I was drowning, the water around me frozen. I didn’t even try to swim, I just let myself slowly slip toward the bottom of what I was assuming was the ocean. I could feel the cold water spilling into my lungs, my eyes closing. I feel limp as I land on a dark rock at the bottom. After time, I begin to see myself deteriorate, flesh decomposing, fish nibbling at my finger tips, until I’m nothing. Nothing but an empty, forgotten skeleton of a girl at the bottom of the endless sea. No one comes looking for me, no one realizes I’m gone.

I wake up soaked in sweat, panting, and sobbing. I half expect to see Tyler come through my door to see what’s wrong, but he doesn’t. No one comes for me? this time. This time I’m alone, like I was at the bottom of the ocean. For the first time in my life, I really am alone. I think maybe you've repeated 'time' too much... Tyler and Leon are gone, and for all I know, they’re never coming back. Even my parents are gone from the house, at work, distracting themselves from the truth of our lives.
I wrap my arms around my knees and realize that I’m freezing, despite the fact that it’s nearly 77◦ F. Okay, to be honest, what temperature it is exactly isn't really that important in the story. Stick with something much more simple. in the house. My hands are shaking when they cross over the bandage on my leg. So this sentence doesn't really make sense. 'Cross' isn't really the best type of word to use for it. I’d forgotten it was there, for it was no longer hurting. I try to stand up and my knees nearly buckle because I’m vibrating. I remember that I spent eight hours yesterday training with Anthony. My shoulders are burning and my arms and stomach had several bruises on them. I walked out to the living room and realized that both my legs were throbbing.
I slumped on to the couch and curled up into a ball and covered myself with a thin blanket, but I honestly don’t know why. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything; turn on the TV, get dressed or eat anything. I was afraid to go to sleep. Afraid that all my nightmares would come true, Tyler would die and it would be my fault, I would die, and no one would notice.

Overall: it gave a very lonely, hopeless feeling. Good job! Other then that, you only have to work on your spelling, your tenses(because you change them quite a lot) and also the way you structure sentences, because some of them really do just need to be simple. Show not tell!

I LOVE a fantastic opening line - and this was one such .

However, I'd suggest changing the title to something a little less obvious, to keep the mystery. Overall, the image of the narrator drowning/dead is a metaphor for how they feel socially, correct? And also a kind of premonition for something that might happen to Tyler.

This piece is not finished. It may be a short story, it might be a novella or even a novel, but where it's at, it's just the beginning, a teaser-taster, just to get us on an edge on curious. I do not know who Tyler is in relation to the MC, I do not know why he would usually come and why he doesn't come this time, I do not know who Leon is or where they are, either, I do not know what the 'truth of our lives' means, why the MC got the bandage on their leg, what they were training with Anthony for, why they have bruises (a martial art, maybe?), and why Tyler might die.

I do not even know whether the narrator is a boy or a girl.

So...there are a lot of questions you've opened up by beginning in media res. This is good, since it's a good atmosphere of mystery, and it piques the curiosity. And, I'd say that you need to reveal the details bit by bit, like nuggets of information, so as not to kill the mystery in one swoop, but also so as not to confuse us with all the things going on.

There are some awkward lines, although the piece as a whole is reasonably well-written - I assume it's the first draft?

I was drowning, the water around me frozen.

of what I was assuming was the ocean.

until I’m nothing. Nothing but an empty, forgotten skeleton of a girl at the bottom of the endless sea. No one comes looking for me, no realizes I’m gone.

I wake up soaked in sweat, panting, and sobbing.

This time I’m alone, like I was at the bottom of the ocean. For the first time in my life, I really am alone.

I wrap my arms around my knees and realize that I’m freezing, despite the fact that it’s nearly 77◦ F. in the house. My hands are shaking when they cross over the bandage on my leg. I’d forgotten it was there, for it was no longer hurting. I try to stand up and my knees nearly buckle because I’m vibrating. I remember that I spent eight hours yesterday training with Anthony. My shoulders are burning and my arms and stomach had several bruises on them. I walked out to the living room and realized that both my legs were throbbing.

That night, I watched myself die.

I was drowning, the water around me frozen. I didn’t even try to swim, I just let myself slowly slip toward the bottom of what I was assuming was the ocean. I could feel the cold water spilling into my lungs, my eyes closing.

I feel limp as I land on a dark rock at the bottom. After time, I begin to see myself deteriorate, flesh decomposing, fish nibbling at my finger tips, until I’m nothing. Nothing but an empty, forgotten skeleton of a girl at the bottom of the endless sea. No one comes looking for me, no realizes I’m gone.