Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this is the very first script that I'm going to review. Hopefully I do okay. I think it does seem like a pretty short little scene. It does however tell us a pretty simple but how somehow still fairly deep message. And that's nice to see although I doubt this could be considered a full play.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Its raining, the rain drops are falling like crystals, Evna and Luke are sitting on the wall near their school
Okay good setting although I don't see why the "like crystals" part is needed for a script.
What the hell are you talking about? You know our lifes suck. Nothing has gone right since our mother died. Do you not feel pain inside you anymore?
This should be lives.
I-I don't understand you Luke, why do you feel pitty? We may live under tough times, we may have lived in worse. Why be so angry with god?
Luke spits on the wet, dirty ground and wipes his sorrow face, then stares at his sister
Umm first of all sorrow is not the correct adjective to use there. And again I don't see why that has to be specified. You can simply say have a sad face from the beginning of the script.
I don't believe in god no more. Don't you remember how our mother died? Blood everywhere.. her mouth open calling the words to live! And your sitting there like you don't even care!
That line about how their mother died seems unnecessary. You'd expect Evna to know without him having to add that description. Or if you are mentioning it I would expect there to be a bit more break in that sentence with painful memories causing issues and all.
They sit there in silence, unable to speak. Their mum had been murdered, all that stuck in their minds was her face, beautiful but lifeless. This endless question that they would never know the answer to. Why is there suffering?
Well that's an interesting ending. Is that supposed to be a narrator maybe?
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was pretty nice. The dialogue was decent, not too artificial sounding except for a couple of places. That last bit was confusing as to what exactly its supposed to indicate. And that's about all I have to say.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
:):):)
Points: 238016
Reviews: 3993
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