Published January 25, 2005
Its raining, the rain drops are falling like crystals, Evna and Luke are sitting on the wall near their school
Evna:
The rain may fall like the tears on our faces, but we will never stay inside to never breathe in the odour that we live in.
Luke:
What the hell are you talking about? You know our lifes suck. Nothing has gone right since our mother died. Do you not feel pain inside you anymore?
Evna
I-I don't understand you Luke, why do you feel pitty? We may live under tough times, we may have lived in worse. Why be so angry with god?
Luke spits on the wet, dirty ground and wipes his sorrow face, then stares at his sister
Luke:
I don't believe in god no more. Don't you remember how our mother died? Blood everywhere.. her mouth open calling the words to live! And your sitting there like you don't even care!
Evna:
How do you not believe in god? He has spent his time to look after us. Make sure our mother brings food on the plate. It had to happen. She was cursed.
Luke:
But had she done anything wrong? No.
They sit there in silence, unable to speak. Their mum had been murdered, all that stuck in their minds was her face, beautiful but lifeless. This endless question that they would never know the answer to. Why is there suffering?
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this is the very first script that I'm going to review. Hopefully I do okay. I think it does seem like a pretty short little scene. It does however tell us a pretty simple but how somehow still fairly deep message. And that's nice to see although I doubt this could be considered a full play.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay good setting although I don't see why the "like crystals" part is needed for a script.
This should be lives.
Umm first of all sorrow is not the correct adjective to use there. And again I don't see why that has to be specified. You can simply say have a sad face from the beginning of the script.
That line about how their mother died seems unnecessary. You'd expect Evna to know without him having to add that description. Or if you are mentioning it I would expect there to be a bit more break in that sentence with painful memories causing issues and all.
Well that's an interesting ending. Is that supposed to be a narrator maybe?
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was pretty nice. The dialogue was decent, not too artificial sounding except for a couple of places. That last bit was confusing as to what exactly its supposed to indicate. And that's about all I have to say.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
It's good but it is a little short.SORRY i'm being to harsh!
OKay sorry, Im the one in the crap mood.
Thank you for ur reply. I will use this constructive crit and turn it into compliments for my next work! Sorry its just for once I want someone to say they like my work like everyone else's. How come I never see any mistakes when I look at others?
Oh well...I cant read anyhow!
Your attitude betrays you.
You say you can't be bothered writing long plays, but then complain than you think your work is crap!
You do realise that if all people gave you was praise, you'd never improve your work?
Perhaps if you looked at what I said, looked at your work, you might realise I'm trying to help you improve your work. I'm not slagging your work off in any shape or form.
Why do you post here if you don't want improvements? Do you post here just for them to love your work?
And when did I say I didn't like it?
They are like posh kids. I cant be arsed writing long plays. And I didnt know people could be arsed to actullay read the blooming thing. So thanks.
Am I EVER going to get a reply saying that actullay liked my work? Full stop?!
Soz, I am angry, I feel like my work is crap.
The problems I have with this is:
1) The dialogue in some parts sounds unnatural. Try reading parts out to yourself an you'll see where it sounds weird. This does not seems like a conversation between siblings.
2) Too short to understand or connect with. You say it's a short play, but this is a short scene. A very short scene.
Cool... Well written. But you spelt Pity wrong!
:):):)
Also, it seemed kind of short. It needs more in order to be a pley (at least thats what i think!).