Published March 15, 2005
Okay a rubbish poem about a girl who's world who has just begun. 
.... Enjoy.
Looking out from my bedroom window,
The clouds slide by,
The noise of an engine suddenly stops,
My wishes shatter as I hear one scream,
The words spring out of my mother's voice,
The school bus is here.
The bus is full of happy kids,
Dancing around,
Sitting down,
All the seats have been taken,
I have to stand by my self,
Waiting for the bus to stop at the school,
People look,
Their laughs echo loudly,
The bus reaches the school,
It screeches to a stop.
I exit the bus,
Kids meet up together,
Chatting,
Laughing,
I stand there looking stupid,
Just waiting for the bell to make that noise,
Kids push past me,
Their school bags banging against my side,
The bell rings,
The day has just begun.
I'm rubbish but this idea had come into my head. Please tell me the TRUTH on what you think of it. Oh and I didn't know where to out it so I hope here will do.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,588 Literary Works • 673,542 Reviews
Thankyou for that Brad, though I need to look in the dictionary for some of the words you said! I'm not angry of what you said (You need to hear my voice to hear Im laughing) I dont love this but I like it when someone says they dont like it and give a long detailed description of what they dont like and so on. Thanx again.
The first stanza was very jittery, almost schizophrenic. The idea of one line did not flow into that of the next. The stanzas following were very literal, which made them lose some appeal. Describing the fact that a school bus came to the school, stopped the engine, and let you out is very meaningless. As a reader, I know what a schoolbus does. Very rarely do schoolbuses get kids packed on them and then take them to Taca Cabana. In other words, you don't need to explain that the schoolbus is moving and that it stopped, just that you got off of it is enough. Other than that, it was a very mediocre poem with nondescript adjectives and the like.
Hee, thanks. And dusty, I see what you mean. I told you Im rubbish! If I do try I will try to put in my description, Im kinda new to poems so I have a reason...
hehehehe!! It's so fun and cool.i like it!
It seems a little too simplistic. It gives you the physical situation but it never really tells how the girl feels about what's going. I think it would be better if you tried to put a little more emotion into it.
But over all, I liked it.