Published February 11, 2005
"I hate you mum!"
I slammed the door hard, the old and rotten building shook and the door cracked at the side. I let out a long and painful sigh. My backpack was heavy, I had stuffed in all my clean clothes and some chocolate and rolls into it. I knew the rolls were squashed and my clothes were crinkly but I didn't care. Just like I didn't care for my mum's feelings. She had hurt me too, so much more than those rolls. Those words that came out of my mouth were 69% true, of course you'd still love them a bit even if they murdered your pet dog. That was what my mum did. But instead she tied him up somewhere, so that he could starve.
I knew where my mum would put him, it was kind of simple really. There was an old town four miles from this one. No one lived in it anymore. I didn't really know why, something bad must of happened if no one wanted to live there! I started to walk down the path, my mum opened the door and screamed my name,
"Ashleigh!"
I ignored her, tears fell down my face. After I found my dog I was going to live somewhere else, I knew we wouldn't manage, it was impossible. My feet quickly paced across the lawn and onto the main street, my mum still shouted my name. I ignored her, my back stayed turned as soon as I knew she was out of site.
The journey took a long time, my legs had become jelly and I could no longer walk at the pace I first started off at. Though I didn't stop to sit down, I carried on. He was like the brother I longed for. Okay so he was a dog, but deep inside me I knew he wasn't just that. Ryan was like my soul mate. Never would we spend five minutes without each other. Sometimes at school he would follow me. I smiled and carried on walking. I could suddenly smell the dampness of the old town. It wasn't long now. The countryside was beautiful, the fluffy clouds eating the green grass and the birds singin in the nearby trees. Luckly it was a beautiful day. The weather showed no depression what so ever. I found a need to use the toliet. I had never really thought of actullay peeing outside. I saw a perfect spot and ran to it.
I ran over to the nearby trees across the sheep and their lunch. I looked over and saw a tail. It wasn't moving. I pulled back more leaves, I saw a body of the dog. My heart suddenly stopped, the markings were from my dog. My need to go to the toliet suddenly vanished as I pulled back more of the leaves, there lay my dog. I let out a scream, sure he would wake up. Nothing moved, not even a flitch in his ears. I knew he was dead. I hated my mum even more. I came that way for nothing, I came to see my soulmate lying dead...
A twig snapped near by, someone was close. And I knew who it was. My mum.
"I'm so sorry!" She cried,
I looked at her, anger only showed.
"I didn't mean to..." She continued.
My frown disappeared. I took a step back, keeping my eyes off my brother.
"You killed him?!"
"I'm sorry.."
"Shut up! I hate you even more!" I screamed,
Tears fell down my cheeks like waves, nothing could of got worse than that. My life was over, my dog was dead.
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140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
Hello there!! I think you did a good job first and for most. I don't think I need to say much to this. Just do the editing everyone recommended and you'll be ok. I'm sure you can make this even better than it already is. Don't get discouraged even the great authors need help and need to edit. There is always room to make things better. I hope to see more from you. I also hope things are going ok, and feel free to message me anytime you'd like. Of course if you want... Haha. Good luck darling.
*hugs*
Overall a good piece but it was missing something. Maybe revise it and give a little more detail on why the dog is dead
Very good. nice.'
Oh i'm ever so sorry! if it makes you feel any better both dogs are still breathing, The next door neighbour put them out before any serious damage was done and theres still a line of people waiting to kick her Bottom for it! Personally i would like to do more but somebody told me prison food isnt all that hot!
*screams* delete delete! Ewww! NO! I hate it when people bring up old bad stories! *cries in a corner* It's ok, I don't hate you... but still... NO! I'll try and redo the story and see if I can make it better! Thanks... it's given me something to do anyway!
...still... *growls*
theres not much else i could say that hasnt been said already *stamps feet a little* not fair! but i do really want to read more, definatly reasoning for the death of her dog! who could kill a dog *thinks* no wait, Somebody who used to be my friend tried to burn her two dogs *mutters* nasty, little, anyway i like it. Sure it needs a little work but nobodys prefect
You have a story you could potentially make extremely moving, but you didn't utilize your talent properly.
It's melodramatic. I think if you were more creative here with the dialogue and then the following action, it would have a better effect.
This line is really what made me finish reading. It's true.
The paragraphing (soo not a word, hee hee) in this piece is off, but that could be fixed too. There was a paragraph later that was too thick, so I think I ended up skimming over the last two or three sentences of it.
We who? I thought the girl knew the dog was dead? And "sobbing" might be more effective than "tears fell down my face."
This is the one I mentioned earlier. The paragraph begins:
and ends: really needs to be broken up somehow.
No. Just... no. The dialogue here is far too sterotypical and makes for an extremely anticlimatic ending. The last line you might want to change from "my dog" to "Ryan" (that is the puppy's name, isn't it?) because dog doesn't sound serious enough.
I know this is a really old piece and that you're a way better writer now, but the subject matter here is so meaty that I really think this would be worth the effort to go back and play with it a bit. Add some complexity to the characters; give them motivations and more personality. Good work.
Yeah, why did the mum kill the dog? I did think that tiolet part was kinda crude too. Otherwise I liked it and hope you continue!
Everyone else stole my points!
*mutters under her breath*
Thankyou, I'm glad that you have gave your honest opinion and have gave me ways to sort it out.
As I am not really good with stories I will use this infomation for my next story. Didn't like a little bit? lol
I didn't like this at all. Maybe because I thought it lacked depth and artistic motivation.
It wasn't your writing that I disliked so. You have the potential to be very good. It was the subject matter, and this part:
Not only do I think it was kind of crude, but it was not very well written. There are one million other reasons for her to go over to a bush and find the dog. (Did she see his tail poking out from behind it? Was she trying to hide from her mother?)
And how is it that she's been travelling for a very long time, but then, all of the sudden, her mom's there? Was she following her? How isit she got so far without having the girl notice?
I don't want to demean the relationship of a human and their dog (I have two who I love with all my wittle heart), but this:
Is neither an accurate nor moving portrayal of it.
For this to be good, it would need a lot of corrections, and a lot more description and backstory.
But from where I'm standing, it was just a little girl being ignorant and throwing a temper-tantrum.
*backs away with chocolate*
Dis my chocolate leave it alone!
Also, thanks for that Mattie, I love ur avvie btw! So cool!
And Lollipop dont let me use my piece of heavy wood! I ain't as good as you! I'll knock common sense into that head of yours!
Wow emma you're such a good writer. You should be an author and an illustrator. HEHE you'd get loads of money!
RYAN IS MY SOULMATE I mean....
Oh wow this was nice.... I can feel the bond between the girl and her dog... it's painfulll you oput me in tears GIMME SOME CHOCOLATE TO REPENT!!!!!!!!!
Hey Emma, I really like this peice. It really reveals things about the character that you would probably never know. It runs smoothly and has good discriptions. I DO agree with everyone else...why did she kill her dog? Anyways, I think this will be really good and I hope to read more. I seem to be finding parts and little things I like about peoples stories, so here's what I liked:
The journey took a long time, my legs had become jelly and I could no longer walk at the pace I first started off at. Though I didn't stop to sit down, I carried on. He was like the brother I longed for. Okay so he was a dog, but deep inside me I knew he wasn't just that. Ryan was like my soul mate. Never would we spend five minutes without each other. Sometimes at school he would follow me. I smiled and carried on walking. I could suddenly smell the dampness of the old town. It wasn't long now. The countryside was beautiful, the fluffy clouds eating the green grass and the birds singin in the nearby trees. Luckly it was a beautiful day. The weather showed no depression what so ever. I found a need to use the toliet. I had never really thought of actullay peeing outside. I saw a perfect spot and ran to it.
I really liked that part and since I'm not good at describing what happens in movies, books, or shows, it's better for me to just show you! LOL Keep writing girl!
I like this alot, but I agree with everyone else; what is her moms motive for killing the dog? why did she do such a horrible thing!? and I also agree with hunter when he says you need more emotion in your charecters.
But I really like this! I hope you write more, I can't wait to know what happens next!
ack! That's terrible! (the event, not the story lol)
My only concern is the lack of motive for the killing of the dog...there doesn't seem to be one. Also, there isn't enough... *thinks* ...emotion in the characters' actions and voices. You say she screamed, but it would be great to know how she screamed....if that makes any sense at all.
Very good but it leaves something to be desired. I really want to know why her mom killed her dog! I would definitely read a continuation. And, is there a reason that the dog is named Ryan? Seems like an odd name for a dog.
Awwww....
Why does it have to have a sad ending? *cries*
Emma, this is very good, like your Rachel pieces. I'm looking for something to critique on, 'cause we prose writers need that...but I swear, I can't find anything that really needs work.