I know this doesn't seem very SciFi-esque yet, but it's just the prologue. I wrote it quickly last night, so I'm not sure how good it is. One question: The length. Is it long enough for a prologue? Thanks in advance.
- Emily
They were led into an industrial corridor that reminded her of the hospital. The stench was the same; bleach, of course. Machines were whirring unnervingly in the background, though she doubted these ones had been designed with saving lives in mind. Tears clung to her eyes, giving them a shine. They glistened, out of place next to the matte grey walls and floor. The whole place just made her feel like it was the end. And it was.
The group ground to a halt beside a ring of chairs, none of which matched. This bothered her somewhat, though such trivial matters were meaningless in her present situation. The seat she chose to occupy was sickly puce plastic. The chairs were too close together. Her elbow was almost brushing on the knee of her neighbour. She peered at him from the corners of her watery eyes. His cords were light grey and definitely not new. Frayed material around the cuff of the leg told her that. He wasn’t a good looking fellow. Red hair stuck up at the back and stuck to his forehead at the front. Beads of perspiration were turning his forehead into a sticky mess. Her mouth pulled back in such a way that the people sitting opposite her could think that she was trying to hold back tears. But in reality it was just the way she expressed true disgust.
Never had she been in such an uncomfortable situation. Even sitting in the waiting room of the abortion clinic hadn’t been this tense. Of course, it was understandable that you would be more nervous when in line for your own termination. That’s what they called it. Not mass murder. Not genocide. Termination. As if it was necessary. Sadly it was only a small minority who thought that they could do better than the gas chamber. She had to blink the tears away again when she thought of this. One stray rolled down her cheek with determination. She was sure it was her body waving the white flag. A tissue appeared in her peripheral vision. Unwilling to take anything from someone who had such perspiration problems, she shook her head at him and attempted a smile. This was all for the best.
“Name,” a woman with a clipboard barked on her sixth visit to the circle. Tears teetered on the edge of her eyes again when she looked up. “Ruby,” the sound was no more than a whisper. She coughed and looked down to the floor, “Ruby Camilla Parrish,” she said more clearly this time, though her voice waivered slightly. Shaking, she stood up and walked in the direction that had been indicated, lips raw from her gnawing on them. She’d never been good at lying.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
I really liked this. You got my attention and held it, but I agree with pretty much all the corrections KJ said, especially the eye glistening thing. You've got a great start for a story here, though, and I can't wait for more.
You did a good job of establishing mood since the first paragraph. It's a good size prologue, as long as it gives the information you want it to. I hope you write some more soon. I really want to learn more of this distressed would-be mother.
Hey. Just a few things I noticed:
This sentence feels kind of awkward and ruins the flow you have going. I would put something like: The stench was the same: bleach. Of course.
I didn't like this, because you talk about her eyes shining in one sentence, then right in the next one you mention that they're glistening. That's a bit too much. We're aware now that her eyes have a shine to them.
Unless she's leaning over, I can't fathom how her elbow is brushing someone else's knee. And I don't think that's how you spell "neighbour", but I'm not sure. Should check that out.
And just one more thing: it would be good if you spaced after someone speaks.
In general, I thought it was a pretty decent start. As to your question about whether it's too long or not, my answer is no. It's perfect, I think. Not too long but not all too short. Good job on that.
Feel free to PM me when you post an addition. I'm intersted to see what happens to this character and whether or not she really aborts her baby.