Published September 22, 2010
Sitting at my table,
pencil in my hand,
my teacher posed this question,
amost a demand...
Imagine, just imagine,
you're walking along one day,
when you come across a pond,
imagine what you'd say...
If in that pond you saw,
such a dreadful sight,
two people in the middle,
struggling with all their might...
One was a scientist,
maybe he was mad,
but he'd saved thousands of lives...
the other was your dad!
In that situation,
what would you do?
Who would you save?
Which one would you choose?
I pondered the question,
chewed on my pen,
tapped my fingers on the desk,
chewed some more, and then...
A thought occurred to me,
like the wave of a magic wand,
what was my dad doing,
with a scientist, in a pond?
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
this is so cool!
i love how you managed to keep the rhyme as well as the rythym going through the whole thing.
That is skill!
Keep writing. (Can't wait to here more...) (Ha! I used an elipse!)
Miss,
I truly loved it. It made me laugh(as you heard) It had good meter and you made the rhyme work, and it helps that I get the joke!
Love, always,
Lilly¬
I really liked this because it put a smile on my face. I feel like this would make a great kids book. I don't really have anything to tell you.
Sorry I didn't help,
A. S.
This poem made me laugh, hopefully that was effect you were going for. I appreciate the effort you went to make sure that your poem rhymed, just remember that poems don't necessarily need to rhyme to be considered poetry. I only have two small nitpicks.
Should be almost. Make sure you use spellcheck whenever you post something on YWS. That way reviewers can focus on the content instead of the spelling mistakes.
Ellipses are probably the second most overused punctuation I see young writers use. (The first is commas) You don't need any of the ellipses that you have used so I would eliminate them. Otherwise they interrupt your flow and are distracting for the reader.
Other than that, good job! It is nice to read a poem that isn't about love or an angst-filled life. Hopefully this has been helpful, if you have any questions feel free to pm me. Keep writing!