Published April 9, 2007
Once upon a moonlit night,
I sit and stare at the world beyond
And dream of magic and dragon's flight
And live where beauty is ever donned.
When I dream, I think of you
And how I acted such a fool.
To want that which I never knew
And risk being used as a tool.
When you left with my life,
I was lost to all.
But then he saved me from the strife
And kept me from the fall.
He was named Lord Cadmalier.
A man of the Northern Falls.
He came to me with no threat or fear
And answered my desperate calls.
He rode a horse of midnight black
And his hair a lustrous blonde.
He saved my heart from your fierce attack
And asked for a marital bond.
He swept me away to the land I dreamed.
His bride I chose to be.
The rank of queen I was thus deemed,
To sit upon a throne with the man who hath saved me.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,558 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
i like it, but in some places it sounds like you're trying tho force the rhyme, other than that i thought it was cool esp. the last stanza
The imagrey was excellent! However I couldn't tell where you were going with this. It seems to be part love poetry, part fiction, and part oh-what's-up-above-us. Try short stories. Read more poetry.
I think everyone else got everything...but it was lovely. I love the imagery... and nice vocab.
I loved this! especially the ending!
And...I have nothing more to say (I'm tired, to otired for long crits atm lol)
Meevs
x
Mmm, tone is good, it flows well, but I think you need to rethink some of your word choices. The rhyming seems forced in some places, 2nd stanza for one. It did seem like very much of the old romantic fairytale cliche, so try to make it your own.
I like the style this is written in, I think the voice is very good and it is quite smooth.
There should be an 'a' before the word fool in line six and in the third stanza I don't think the words 'But' needs to be used in the first line.
Very good,
Alainna
xxxxxx
narrative poetry does have an objective point to poetry.
however... it doesn't mean that you can simply make the poem rhyme, aloof, and medieval and call it narritive poetry.
it seems like you are trying to describe of a new, happier love. instead of writing it in a "this is what happened, but i'll make it into a romantic cliche story of long ago" way, try to elaborate on the contrast of the feelings between two loves.
eh. yeah... i hope this helps.