A/N: This poem is kind of old. Like, a year + old. But it's been well edited and I read over it again to make sure it was still worthy of my dear reader's eyes. It is one of my favorite poems I've written, and having realized I never shared it, I thought I should. All thoughts appreciated in great measure, so without further ado...
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With Much Regret, I Do
"A vow would absolve you of all temptation."
Words of comfort from some ignorant souls.
How should they know the dragon wasn't as vicious
as the prince who saved me?
Funny that it takes a single man,
a misplaced hand, a quick twist of fabric
to make this white, unsullied gown
more akin to convicts' clothes.
A vow would only bind my thoughts
tighter to my evening terrors
(exposed skin to touch, to taste, to mutilate),
rather than invite sensual freedom,
like an old friend, to make itself at home.
How could I, an intelligent woman,
allow myself to be chained to any man's desires?
While I march between the pews
I can hear the church walls whisper:
"A vow would absolve you of all temptation."
Yet it is never my temptation that worries me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hey Suzanne!
I am here to review you on this wonderful Sunday evening which happens to be Reviewing Day!
I quite enjoyed this. It brings out a discussion which probably every person has before they are to be wed. It was amazingly written-quite sophisticated but enjoyable. It flowed excellently which most people don't achieve. It had perfect structure which again many people don't achieve. I would have to agree with the idea you bring forward and it actually makes you think-what are both bride and groom thinking in the final moments before their wedding? Thank you for the wonderful read!
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)
Hi Suz : )
Good to see poetry from you.
I have to agree with Shepherd that this is let down by its language. You know how sometimes you read a poem and it feels like you're eating fresh fruit, it's so tasty and fulfilling and lovely. This feels more like I'm eating a pinecone -- hard, tough. Not that it's a bad poem, but it doesn't evoke anything within me. You have some decent ideas -- the dragon and the prince -- but then you have unsullied gowns turned into convict clothes, which seems to me to be an anachronism. You've started with fantasy/medieval concepts and moved into modern terminology.
The worst part is this:
It's like you've constructed a sign saying HI THIS WHAT THE POEM IS ABOUT.
There's no mystery, there's no delight. It's all a bit prickly.
I know I know I know you can do better, that's the only reason I'm being this forthright in my criticism.
This is very nice! Your tone here is very blanketed, and I mean that in a complimentary way. It seems to stay consistant throughout the poem, and that makes it a little more solid than I think it would be otherwise.
One thing that bugged me a little bit (although I don't think it detracted from the poem too terribly) was the lack of lyricism in parts. You have a very sharp, precise vocabulary, and you have certainly used it here, delicately. However, I found it to be a little devoid of imagery, and although your meaning was direct and abrupt, the sensations brought about by your subject matter were too sharply cast. There was not quite enough flow between your images and your concept, and it just made the poem seem a little detached.
That doesn't make it a bad poem, certainly, and I can see that you are pleased with it. But maybe you have over-edited it. You could go back to an earlier draft, maybe, and pick up some of the less fully-formed ideas to work from.
Good work!
I loved your poem, it was so well thought out and planned. I think your strong point in this poem is the imagery, it's very powerful and helps the reader imagine emotions and feelings. Well done!
I said I would review this, so here I am, lol.
I can really feel the passion that you have for the topic in this poem. You've managed to inject some kind of personal meaning right into it, and I feel that's one of the essential points of poetry, so kudos to you for that. My only complaint is that the last four lines of the second stanza seem to be somewhat clunky. They don't really flow like the rest of the poem does. You might want to look into that, get a second opinion.
But, overall, an A+ effort from you. PM me if you have any questions or comments.
Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice