Child

I'm am in love with this poem.
The whole poem is filled with the pleasure of sin and passion and how that very passion that feels so good can lead you right over a cliff.

Its hard to invoke that much feelin in just words.

This is truly creepy it very intresting how ya get into his mind and what he see's. Really it's super creepy... super... Overall: This earns a star but god so creepy and so true how nowadays girls wear too revealing clothes. It asking for something like this.

Good luck
VSN

That is the most increatible pome in the world!!!

I haven't ever read anything like this (content-wise and format-wise).
Interesting stanza lengths and good word choice (chaste, ecstasy, navel, compulsion).

Everything flows well except the first stanza's last word of each line.

Once again another good peom by claudette. Rhme and Rhythm were good as is the description(i'm not a perv i was stating the way she described it not what she described).

I loved it. In my perspective, you show two emotions; Fear and Sadness.
Again- in my perspective of this poem- It shows society today. Girls wear too short of skirts, flaunting everything they have.

thank you for sharing this poem!

I love how you wrote this! Good job, and everyones pretty much got all the problems in the poem!

Great Job!

I'm surprised at the way I continually end up getting critiques on this, one way or another, even though I posted it two months or so ago... It must be a good poem.

And yes, the title is rather devious!

I thought this was a very good poem.

You managed to write about something quite controversial without making it sound too innapropriate.
From the title i didn't expect to read something like this, it was quite creepy...but in a good way that helped the poem lol

I can't think of anything else to say that hasn't already been said in other critiques, but very well done

Nyegg....I wasn't exactly creeped out, I was intrigued. I probably should have been creeped out, maybe I'm psychotic. It's very real, though~little kids are always wearing those skin-revealing clothes. It's nothing you ever think about (well, nothing I ever think about) but it isn't exactly wise. I like both the beginning and the end of it, there was just one piece that didn't seem to flow~but upon rereading it it flowed perfectly. The syllables even matched up! I am well impressed.

Yes, there's something ominous about this poem- hey- it got my vote!

Whoa. Okay from the title I really wasn't expecting this, and since this is only the second poem I've read of yours I was REALLY shocked...but then again, after I've been on here for a while, you'll find that I'm the same way, the only problem is that I'm 14, so yeah. As long as no one else finds my work that I know I should be great here. lol. I love your poems!!!

Thanks for the Critiques More are always welcomed.

loved it, and ive read through all the critiques, i dont have anything to add. its just superb writing, and great imagery. very creepy, but that just makes it all the better. good juxtaposition between the "light" topic (the child i mean, not the sex) and the dark and gloomy poem itself.

excellently written

Wow. wow.

I love it. It was on the creepy side, but a little bit of crazy. It was very good. I reaklly liked the couplets. That's a very unique style.

The part about ecstasy, was that a metephore? Either way, it was a really good line.

The second batch of lines definitely adds to the poem, the imagery...oh yes. Keep those lines, Clau.

I remain incredibly impressed, and can find nothing to pick at in this amazing poem.

--Cass

Again, as in the case of 'Act' - superb writing, Clau, set against a background of the shocking. It's powerful and deeply disturbing at the same time. The reader feels sorry for the little girl throughout - this is nothing, though, for creepiness, compared to 'Act'.

I can only imitate Liz and shudder mentally and physically - trust me, Clau, this poem wouldn't have made half the impact it does if the writing had been off. the images are so real, so painfully real - the girl, the sheets, the blood.

Disturbing and real - stays in the mind. Creepy, all right, but well-written. ^_^

Delightfully creepy. The only error I could find was the mispelling of 'peek', but I'm sure someone has pointed that out already

Wow! Clauds this is really powerfull! I really like it, it's creepy like the others said and you feel a strange connection to the speaker. You feel slightly sorry for him as he realises what he is doing is wrong;
'And again I feel the compulsion to sin.'
The first line;
'Small and not five feet,'
I sugest maybe removing the 'and', replace it with a better word because it dosen't make sense this way. Otherwise Clauds I think this is very good, it's original and a slightly sick way of describing someone who is taking someones virginity. For once it isn't the person who is losing their virginity talking about the love he/she shared whilst doing so or how they hated it, how it was stolen. It gives it from the others point of view and this makes it interesting. Well done! x

Phorcys has a good point... I hadn't consciously thought about that until I read his review, but now it makes a lot of sense. And wow... that may well just be the creepiest description of taking someone's virginity that I've ever read. I thought these ten lines flowed a lot more cleanly than the first ten, actually; that last couplet in particular was nicely done. My only suggestion: in the last line, perhaps replace "it" with "that?" It might provide a bit more emphasis, and end the poem that much more strongly.

Merci.

I'm only hoping I get more critiques on what I added...

I love this. It makes me shiver just thinking about it. Very personal.

Im loving the couplet structure, it makes it feel fluffy but the content is spooky - quite a juxtaposition.

I wrote ten more lines. Now how is it?

actualy a pretty good poem! =]
but i have no clue what the whole idea was bout? and also i thought you cud have writtin a teeny bit more to complete it..
hope this helped! =]

Well I guess I'm happy I creeped everyone out...That seems to be the overall impression.

Thanks for the critiques! I'm going to work on giving it another ten lines and fixing up the lines that already need some work, Maybe I can really pump something good out of it.

From reading the critiques, I like the edits you've made. Overall, pretty creepy, but interesting at the same time. It might be cool to give more specific information about the situation at hand, but as it is the vagueness works well too. Thanks for the read!

*Shivers Mentally*
*Shivers Physically*
Can't say anything else aside from the fact this is some "loofa" upped creepiness...

I didn't mind the short simple wording though, it worked for this....

But it was still scary.... (O_O)

This poem gives a nice effect, as many others have said: Though it has an innocent title, it has this feeling about it...very good, Clau.

The one line that bugs me is the same line that bugs you, though. It just seems...awkward? I'm sorry I can't be more helpful--I rarely, if ever, crit poetry. But this is good, so I thought I'd make sure you know I like it.

Yes a creepy yet wonderfully written poem.

I second Fand - it may be good to go into the narrator at some point.

Cleaned up as requested! Merci Beaucoup for the nice edits made It might be lengthened later, but for now I'll leave it as is. I'm much too tired to write another ten lines.

Wow... I'll second cadmium, Clau! Creepy. In a good way, of course. This is very Lolita-esque, and generally it flows quite well (though I might replace "never" with "not" in the first line), but I think it's a little too little, if you know what I mean. I feel like you're telling a story (and your modus operandi just happens to be verse), but not fleshing it out quite enough. At the moment it's all description with little hints of the narrator's lust. We never see into the girl's mind, though, which with the situation you've set up has the potential to be even more interesting than that of the narrator.

Oh, how creepy! This is very strong. The rhyme doesn't make it sound childish or silly; it seems to make it even creepier.

Her plump legs hid under a too short skirt
And childish navel, under a shirt.

She likes to lean provocatively while
I lust after her with a dirty smile.

Why does my ladylike child look at me*
Like that? She knows I am on hand and knee.