Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Chapter one
Jack looked down at the stone hard ground inside his cell. He looked over at the door blocking the only way out, someone was at it. As the door opened, Jack could hear the cries of people and dogs as they were being mutated. "Well Jack, Today you'll be getting some more injections and then were going to test your combat skills" The scientist said standing in front of the doorway. The scientist lead Jack out of the room to another room down the hall. As they walked Jack could hear screams coming from rooms next to him. Those poor people...
They entered a room with a bed, some shelf's and another scientist. The one scientist that lead Jack to this room walked out the door and shut it. Jack lay down on the bed in the room as the scientist was putting some sort of drug into it. "Alright Jack, ready for the injection?" Jack shook his head up and down. The scientist walked over to the bed and grabbed Jacks arm and injected the drugs into his wrist. Jack flinched but nothing else. The scientist led him out the door to a bigger room with mutated dogs and humans.They seemed viciously hungry, clawing at the glass wall that is dividing the mutations from the people. As Jack stood in front of the door entering the mutation arena, an air raid alarm went off. Someone started to speak through the intercom.
[WARNING! THE PURPLE VENOM SQUAD HAS STARTED TO DROP NUKES FROM ORBIT ALL OVER! MAKE IT TO THE NUCLEAR SHELTER OR GET TO THE SPACESHIP AND YOU WILL BE TAKEN TO SPACE STATION ORION! EVACUATE THE FACILITY IMMEDIATELY!]
Now's my chance...
Jack followed the nuclear shelter signs. A squad entered the facility, with gas mask's and equipped with an MP5. Gun shots where heard followed my screams of horror. He managed to get ahead of the rushing crowd and got into the shelter, and shut the door, barricading it with some wood in the room. He thought about all the people he was killing, but hey, their the bad people.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that was rather mysterious for a first chapter there...cause well, that had a lot of red flags just slowly sprinkled throughout the thing all the while making the main character seem like they're just going about a normal day, it definitely immediately makes you very suspicious of what could be going on aaand certainly gets your attention as a first paragraph.
Well, those drugs seem quite sketchy there...I do not trust anything that's happening there is in any way legal judging by that..oh dear...well...at any rate, it looks like something quite exciting is about to happen quite soon what with the air raid and then there's also the mutants situation happening as almost a side note in this part here. Well, this is definitely a very exciting start here at the moment.
Well purple venom squad doesn't quite inspire fear within me sadly....it comes off as just a little bit funny there...but for the most part...this seems like a pretty intense situation we've got here, tactical nukes especially all the way from orbit sounds like world destroying levels of craziness..so this certainly starts out as pretty exciting here.
OKay...things got even crazier there...aaand a tiny bit confusing to follow, I feel like this entire chapter here could do with a little bit more slowing down in general for the pacing to work out a bit better and all these exciting things to get enough time to properly sink in here..anyway...it was still quite a solid first chapter, it certainly has a pretty powerful hook in there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I really like this chapter Emerald! My only dislikes of it, is how often Jack's name is used, it seems like his name is said every other sentence. Also, how easily he was escaping the facility, it just seemed too easy (I'm not sure if it's meant to be this easy). Also, with the intercom announcement, they seemed to give too much information. Wouldn't a high tech faculty have a defense protocol? Instead of giving the details maybe just a simple "Defense protocol four, make way to the escape ship or the shelter" repeating over and over the intercom. I don't know, just my opinion, then again I watch waaay too many movies and such. This was a great chapter, but there is room for improvement, but you definitely have caught my attention! Keep writing on this!
Yeah, Next chapter is going to make more sense, or maybe I'll just edit this one first... Yeah, that's what i'm gonna do.
Happy review day! Let's review(and welcome to YWS!)
Ok, so you are a beginner writer. I shall put it bluntly, there is room to improve. I'm not being mean here, just truthful.
Nitpicks- (the bold is the fixed version)
Spoiler
-Jack looked down at the stone, hard ground inside his cell.
-Jack could hear the cries of
-"Well Jack, you'll be getting some more injections and then we're going to test your combat skills,"
-screams coming from the rooms next
-some shelves
-Jack' arm
This is an interesting idea. Is Jack a human or dog? I'm unsure since you never address it. Keep writing,
-lost
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
Just as a fair warning, I'm going to point out a lot of things that you can improve upon. Just remember, I'm here to help, not put you down!
First off, I'd like to say that you have a great start here. I'm very intrigued with this story you've come up with. Here's this boy that seems to be a prisoner of some sort. He's getting drugs tested on him whether he wants to or not. I'm interested to find out why they're doing this to him.
That being said, I want to say that this chapter is short. This doesn't really become and issue until there isn't enough information given in that chapter. With yours here, I'm not sure that there's enough information. I know that there's more that you can put into this chapter. Why let Jack get away so easily? Aren't there guards in this facility? They'd surely notice that Jack was trying to escape. Create some tension! The hero never gets away easily.
Also, pay attention to where you place the dialogue. Dialogue shouldn't be embedded in a paragraph. If it is, it's a lot harder to read and harder to recognize. The rule I always remember is to create a new paragraph. And you should also make a new paragraph when a new person is speaking.
When the message comes over the intercom, it should be written a bit differently. It's good that you made it its own separate paragraph. However, it should really be put into italics and have all lowercase letters. When you use all uppercase letters, it seems like the words are supposed to be shouted. And not in the way that you would want these words to be shouted.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. If you fix those few things I pointed out, this will be a great chapter! Please let me know when you post chapter 2. I'd love to read and review it!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi LLZ here for another review for the day!
Well, to start of with I think it was very well written. I could easily imagine what you were writing about and it's good that you got straight into the action on the first chapter.
I was instantly hooked in and I definitely want to read more!
..."and then were going..." I think it should be "we're or we are."
I loved the limited use of adjectives and the fast pace action, which made this chapter flow and interesting to read.
"Jack looked down the stone hard ground inside his cell. He looked over at the door blocking the only way out, someone was at it. As the door opened, Jack could hear the cry's of people and dogs as they were being mutated. "Well Jack, Today you'll be getting some more injections and then were going to test your combat skills" The scientist said standing in front of the doorway. The scientist lead Jack out of the room to another room down the hall. As they walked Jack could hear screams coming from rooms next to him. Those poor people..."
Ways you could improve this paragraph:
"Jack looked down at the stone-hard ground of his cell. He looked over to the door, blocking out his only chance of freedom. Someone stood outside the door. When it swung open, Jack could hear the crys of people and dogs as they were being mutated. "Well, Jack, today you'll be getting some more injections and then we're going to test your combat skills," the scientist said , standing in the doorway. The scientist lead Jack out of the cell (or room) to a room down the hall. As they walked, Jack could hears screams coming from the rooms near him. Those poor people...."
This is just an example of how you could improve it.
Try and use a different word for "as."
Overall for good.
Good job and keep on writing
From LLZ
Hi there, Laure here for a review. This is a pretty gruesome storyline for an eleven year old, what vivid and violent imagination you have! So I will be very blunt in this review, so prepare yourself.
'at' between down and the.You don't need to apostrophe in crys, it should be cries. Since you only need to apostrophe to show either possession. In this case, cry's of the people doesn't quite make sense. Cries is what you want.
New line for speech, period at the end of skills.
Remember the first rule in creative writing? Show don't tell. This whole paragraph seems rather flat to me since it didn't describe where Jack was in, however due to the young age you're in I think you're actually a pretty good writer. Though do try to describe what the rooms were like, the walls. What colour were they? A harsh sterile white or a metallic silver gleam? Remember, all of this adds depth to your plot and makes it much more palpable to the readers.
Described the drug, describe the room, describe the scientist. These characters feel pretty flat to me at the moment. Also, instead of saying putting some sort of drug into what? You seem to jump all over the places, remember that the readers don't have the knowledge that you have as the author. To avoid logical gaps, try rereading your work over and see what makes sense and what doesn't.
'that divided the' Past tense, not present.
I thought they were in a lab, once again here. You could describe the mutations, describe the atmosphere in the room and most of all. Describe and show us how Jack feels, so far I don't have a clue as to what Jack's personality is because I only get glimpses of it. He's almost like a robot being pushed along and doing nothing.
You've used a lot, try substituting this into a he or she or a name. Introduce the scientist if you must.
So 'their' should be they are. There was an air raid shouldn't he at least show some alarm? What about the drug in his body? Shouldn't that have done something? You need to SHOW us how Jack feels about all of this or else Jack as a character is really flat. Is he scared? Is he frightened? Or is he determined to escape all of this and make it outside? What about the facility? What does it look like? What's the atmosphere? Why are their mutations?
I understand you're still very young to writing, but try to keep these things in mind. Always show don't tell, or at least balance both. I hope I wasn't too harsh but I believe you have a good idea in this story, this story to me is only a skeleton. With work you can add flesh to it and make it come alive!
-Laure
Yep, I have a pretty messed up mind! XD