Well, I just went point grinding and guess I should make the next part, this time it's gonna be longer and more SCARY! WE ARE GETTING INTO THE SCREWED UP STUFF NOW PEEPS! TIME TO LOOSE SOME MORE OF MY SANITY!!!
Emerald stood frozen, not believing what was floating right in front of him... There was a floating head with sharp teeth looking at him, its eyes were blood red and veins hang from were its neck used to connect it to its body. It took Emerald a while to notice that this floating head was the baby's mothers. Emerald stood there, all of him locking up. Not only did he have to worry about his group having a shootout with the cops outside, but he has to deal with this. The demon sprung towards him and grabbed his arm with its sharp teeth, digging deep into his flesh. Emerald took his knife out and repeatedly stabbed it until the flesh on its face was gone. He then grabbed it with his free arm, yanked it off and stomped on it, it still lived. It also managed to take a giant chunk of his arm out, so now he also has to worry about bleeding out.
He took out his phone and dialed Emily. "Emily! I need you to find me a way out! NOW!" "Still having a shootout out here!" Emily yelled. "I'M BLEEDING OUT AND NEED MEDICAL ASSISTANCE! FORGET THE COPS AND HELP ME FIND A WAY OUT!" The phone lost connection. A giant rumble was heard outside, the whole building shook. Emerald realized he still had the duffel bag with the baby in it. He left it out in the middle of the Hub so the demon could eat it (Hopefully) and give him more time to find an escape route.
Emerald searched a hole quarter of the building, but still couldn't find an escape. The building shook again, this time leaving a giant crack in the floor, revealing and glowing red light. The hole, literally was an entrance to hell. Emerald stood in fear, as the whole earth went silent, no shooting outside, just nothing. He couldn't even hear the floating demon sneak up behind him. It lunged at him, biting into his shoulder. He stumbled back, trying to not fall into the gaping hole in the floor...
Too Late...
As he fell, he struggled to get the damn demon off of him, he punched it, pulled it, he even tried pushing it's eyes back into its head. He could feel blood flowing out of his arm and his shoulder. He finally was able to grab it and yank it off, once again leaving a gaping wound in him. He punched it until it looked like it couldn't live anymore. it still did, he impaled the head through a sharp rock on the side of the hole. Still free falling towards the ground, he had to force him self to stay awake, he was getting dizzy from all the blood he was loosing. He could see the bottom of the hole and braced for impact.
As he hit the ground, he went sideways and lost some ribs, and almost broke his spine. He coughed as he struggled to get up. He looked around to find himself in a pitch black forest. "This is hell... At least It inst as bad as I thought it was..." He limped around, searching for a way back, the only way up was the hole. He looked around to see familiar faces impaled on spikes. "What the fuck?" He could see Emily, Troy, and Jack, Even family members. He could hear something behind him. The demon was back. "MOTHER FUCKER!" He pulled out his knife and slashed it at the beast, missing. He grabbed it and started stabbing it, quickly and forcefully. "WHY, WONT, YOU, DIE!" He finally managed to kill it, it was just a pile of flesh. He was bleeding fast now, and he was getting dizzy and tired... He fell over and passed out onto the floor.
Emerald woke up in a box, he could hear gun fire and talking. "DON'T LET THE COPS TAKE HIM BACK IN THERE!" He could hear Emily yell. Emerald banged on the box. He tried to yell but he was damaged in his throat. It hurt to talk. He felt the box go flying and hit the ground, now even more ribs are broken. He could hear a door shut and lock. He kicked the lid of the box multiple times until it flung off. He was back in the mansion. Shit...
His main goal at the moment was water, something to help his throat. He finally found a bottle of water, surprisingly still cold. He could hear footsteps near him. He saw a man with bandages rapper around his head, his eyes were blocked with them too. He held a knife and some sort of pipe bomb in the other. He looked at Emerald then turned into thin air. The house rumbled. It was falling apart. "Yes!" Emerald yelled, it killed his throat but he didn't care. He looked down to see the floor about to collapse under him. "Oh shit..." He fell through the floor into a hidden underground section of the mansion. He was knocked out once more.
He woke up with a stabbing pain in his leg. He looked towards it to see a rusty pipe sticking through it. More gunfire could be hear outside of a cellar door. Emerald pulled the pipe out of his leg. He couldn't even feel anything anymore. He walked over to the cellar door. Locked. He couldn't bust it down because of how tired he felt. He had to search for a key. Before he started to looka round, he could swear he head someone speaking...
"Welcome to MY domain..."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey!
So, for this part, I have a lot of the same critiques as what I said for the last part.
The paragraphs are shorter here, but they could still be spread out more! Like I said, after a new character speaks. Then there's the caps lock thing... Italicize instead!
The only other thing really is the details. It needs more description! There is some, but there could be more to really paint the picture of what's happening.
Also, using a variety of different words helps. Use both simple and complex words to describe things. If you can't think of any more complex words, use a thesaurus! Trust me, the thesaurus will be your best friend when writing. I use a thesaurus so often it's ridiculous, haha.
If you're stuck on what to describe, remember your five senses, like MooCowPoop mentions.
One example would be describing the blood as crimson red or thick as syrup. Thins like that. What does the main character see and smell? What do they hear and feel? And if they're eating, what does it taste like?
Taking just a little bit of time to describe these things will make all the difference!
Looking forward to the next part, happy writing!
First off, let's
Isn't that scary? Is that exciting? Use these active words, words that you would use to describe anything, to get your point across instead of just saying it.I can already see what's happening here. You are trying to be wordy, without being wordy, so to speak. What that means is that you have these brilliant images of your story floating inside your head, evident from the work you produce, however, you just haven't quite yet got the necessary "picture" words to use to really get your reader to understand what is going on. You are probably envisioning this story like a movie. Though movies do more than just tell you what is happening--they show you. I think that you should incorporate the "showing" aspect, especially in horror stories! Take a look at the following sentence I touched up for you to show you what I mean:
NO! NO! You've got to lead us into this one! This was the perfect moment to really shock you readers. How does Emerald know so quickly to pull out his knife? How could he have been so confident as to just stabbing the face? Is he, by instinct, a killer or is he just one super awesome guy who can kill weird things because he's a boss like that? Remember, unless this guy is a robot, he has to have every human action on the planet before performing anything extreme. Would he feel guilty for stabbing the baby's mother's face off even if she was some weird creature? Or would he feel bloodthirsty? What is it that he feels before this! And how does he succeed? That creature-thing seemed pretty strong and scary to me, why doesn't he struggle to take it down? Please use the following template when describing each scene:
We, as readers, are like babies. We can't run marathons before we know how to walk. So walk us through each scene, please.
I have more that I want to get to, but it is very late and I want to sleep. But please, send us more of your stories. I'd be happy to look over them in much more closer detail. Aside from that, the concept and originality are great. WTH is going on (in a good way)?! I WANNA KNOW MOAR!