It was a foggy night in the city park. The dense fog covers the area like a soft blanket. Everyone in the city has a fear of the fog, well, mostly the fog that appears in the park. It all started when two children went missing in the parks forest, nothing that big. No one really knows the real story, people just keep on making rumors or make up how they got lost, But they are pretty creepy. No one's found the body's either, just something else to add to the scare factor. The strange thing really is that the city shut down the park. They lined the place with barb wired fences which is a bit too extreme if you ask me.
An eerie silence spread across the park as someone entered. Jack, a 14 year old boy, struggled through the barb wired on top of the fence as his friend Troy follows his lead. They only got scratched a few times because of the hockey gear Jack managed to sneak from his father. They were no use after that with all the pads torn up. They dropped onto the other side of the fence and walked toward the small stream that lay inches away from them. They take off the hockey gear and toss it into the water and watched it flow down stream.
"Well, here we are." Jack said staring at his friend. Troy look through the fence. "Damn it!" Troy yelled. Jack looked over at him and told him to quite down. "I dropped the bag when we went over the fence." Jack looked over at Troy with a frown on his face. All their gear was packed in there ad now there only left with there close to dying phones, and the clothes their wearing. Jack pulled out his phone which was now ruined from the barbwire and the many times he dropped it. Wires hang out of its sides, the screen was cracked and chunks of plastic on the back of it have fallen out. He turned on the phones flashlight and looked around."There's a path down that way, I suggest we head there." They both nodded in agreement.
As they walked down the path they kept thinking they heard something, but they didn't mention it to each other because they thought they would call each other crazy. They continued walking and found a shack on the side of the path. They decided to go look in it. As they opened the door they felt something breathing on them. They both froze in fear.
"There's someone behind us." Jack whispered to Troy. "On three, we run for it, we'll split up and meat back up at the entrance, got it?" "Got it." Troy nodded. "One." Jacks fists tightened. "Two." They both got ready to run. "THREE." They both bolted away from the house, they got a quick glimpse of who was behind them. Or... What it was behind him. There was a tall standing, grey monster, at least 10 feet high. It had long arms that reached the ground that acted as a second set of legs. It was bony and had its skeleton showing with skin peeling off of it. It chased Troy on all four, running almost as fast as a wolf.
"HELP! JACK! SOMEONE! PLEASE!" Troy yelled as he jumped off the path and ran into the forest. The beast was catching up and quick. Troy sprinted faster and almost fell. "PLEASE! I DON'T WANT TO DIE! PLEASE! SOMEONE!" He yelled even louder. Troy turned to see if the thing was still chasing him, he cried in relief when he didn't see it. He turned around, his eyes had opened wide when he met face to face with the creature. "Oh shit..."
Jack had made it to the entrance and was waiting for Troy. He looked on the other side of the fence to see his parents watching him, yelling at him to get out of there. He heard a scream coming from the forest and a blood curdling howl. He looked back at his parents to find them dead, laying on the ground, bleeding from a giant hole in there stomach. "No... NO!" Jack yelled crying. "NO! I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE! PLEASE!" 2 body's appear next to, dead, laying on the ground. A sudden rush of depression came over Jack and he flung him self into the river. The fog cleared up as Jacks lifeless body rushed down the river. Morning would come soon, and the dead body's would be seen...
As the morning sun raised and police officers investigated the area after being called out there about dead body's being found near the park. SWAT was called out to with there guns drawn out ready to fire. They found 4 body's, one floating on the lake, drowned. And another one in the forest, stabbed rapidly with something big. Outside of the park lay a decaying married couple with big gaping wounds in there stomach. They investigated till night, and the fog rolled in...
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi there!
I'm here to review you faabulous work!
First off, I really enjoyed reading this! Sure there were more than a few errors, but I really did enjoy reading this.
Although I felt the idea was nice, I felt you could have written it better, and in a much more fluid way so that we readers will feel comfortable reading it.
Here's a piece of advice I keep telling all the time: Proof-read your work.
It really helps, because you can be the better judge and you can find out the mistakes much better than any one of us. Be the critic of your work, and read it once before posting it.
There were quite a few errors I noticed, and although I won't be putting each and every one of them here, I will be mentioning a few because I feel it will really help you a lot.
You see, there's a repetition of the word 'fog' too many times here. You could have used a substitute instead of saying 'fog' all the time. It makes it look a bit unprofessional.
I noticed that you keep doing that. Repeating the same words over in a sentence. Like this one:
See? Also, I noticed another thing in these lines as well as in the rest of the story. There's a little lack of proper punctuation. Punctuation is very, very important.
Furthermore, you don't start a sentence with a number. "2 dead bodies.." does not look nice to read, right?
Okay, I could probably go on and on with this, but I need to stop at some point. So, I'll stop right now,
Before I stop, I would like to mention a little about the monster. The monster is the star of the story, but I felt that it wasn't mentioned as much as I wanted it to be. Nor was the fog.
In all, I thought it was a good start. You can improve a LOT, because you have talent.
Keep writing!
Hi, there! First off I want to tell you that I thoroughly enjoyed this. Also I'm not really a nitpicker - at least I try not to be. If I sound too harsh, my apologies.
"Everyone in the city has a fear of the fog, well, mostly the fog that appears in the park." The way you have that sentence now doesn't quite seem to flow to me, but it can be fixed in more ways than one. Maybe instead of using "well" you could use a word like "Especially".
You tumbled right into the incident with Jack and Troy so quickly I almost didn't catch it. While your entire intro was fabulous, I think you might want to ease us into it a little bit better by inserting something like:
"It all began again one night" or "Tonight the eerie silence is broken as someone scrambles at the fence line. Could it be a squirrel or- no, it is a boy."
"It chased Troy on all four, running almost as fast as a wolf"
The whole description of the beast was simply amazing and well executed. The only suggestion I have is changing the above sentence to something along the lines of :
"It chased Troy on all fours, running like a wolf, just as fast and (If he has deadly looking teeth you could reference them here?) just as terrifying, if not more."
At the end of the second to last paragraph you have a very minor typo and the only one I've seen where you mentioned "dead body's" It hink you meant to put "dead bodies" because you were talking about multiple.
This was well written and I hope to see more from you!
~RagingLive
Thanks, I'll try to fix the things you mentioned soon, kind of busy right now with school, lol. But thanks for the feedback!
Hullo!! I see that you are my age and this is your first work posted!
So, I love, love, love this storyline! I love the detail and time you put into this! I just....LOVE it! Great job! The punctuation and spelling and grammar and everything else was correct..Love it!! I also love the ending. It tied it all together all while making you sort of wonder, too......All of the details lined up. I sort of hope this goes into another chapter or something but, its alright like this, too! Great job, all in all, though! I seriously love this! You are an awesome writer for your age!
Keep writing!!,
~Tiff
Thank you for the feedback! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!