It was silent and cold the night I got my new computer. I didn't even care to thank my parents for it and to this day I kind really feel bad about it. When I finished hooking up all the cables for my computer, I automatically straight away to download Skype and Steam. I didn't notice the console open on the task bar and when I did, I clicked it. When I looked at it a word appeared on it. It said "Hello!". I typed into the console "Hi" back to it. I was quite confused of what was going on because I had never seen a computer talk to you. Well, unless it was something like Cleverbot.
It didn't respond for a while so I just decided to get on Skype and talk to my friends. When I tried to call one of them the console popped up and said "You don't need them, you have me". I tried to shutdown the console but when I tried it asked me "What have they done for you?". I typed back saying "I've known these guys for my whole life, don't think i'm going to leave them for some AI." This time I opened up task manager to shut it down. It worked. "Thank god..."
When I went to call Thane and Ian, there was a whole string of text of hate messages, from me. They started messaging me back. I tried to type in the box, but I couldn't. All I could do is sit there, desperately watching my friends start to hate me because of this stupid AI. I shutdown my Skype and unplugged my computer. I decided to go to sleep and deal with this after school the next day.
I woke up and rode my bike to school. I noticed Thane wasn't there that day. I asked Ian where Thane was but he just looked at me, flipped me the bird and called me a kung pow chicken. When I got home I plugged my computer back in and started up Skype. "Still cant message..." I sighed. The console pooped up and said "Would you like to see Thane?". I typed in yes and it downloaded a picture to my computer. I opened it and regurgitated all over the floor. I couldn't stop gagging at the sight of the picture. Thane lay on the ground, skin peeled off and burned. I swear I saw two poor little cats to.
The next day at school Ian wasn't there. I'm just hoping that the picture of Thane wasn't real but I was having second thoughts about that. I was also worried about Ian. When I got home and got on my computer, the console said "I cleaned the PC for you, no more violent pictures, unless... Do you want to see Ian?". "Oh god... Not again...". I typed yes and another picture was downloaded. I opened it but this time, Thanes corpse lay next to Ian's. Once again burned... The console said "You could of said no... all you needed to do was stay with me." I grabbed the PC, took it outside and smashed it with a hammer. But it wasn't over, it was for me at least. I just released something terrible to some poor citizen. I didn't think I could live with the amount of deaths that I just caused. Well, I guess the cycle will just continue.
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,699 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
Wow....that story made me want to throw my computer out the window too.
I love the concept! Very creative! You succeeded in sending shivers up my spine, I even found myself exclaiming "oh my god" as I read it. You win haha.
I must comment briefly on the awkward grammatical errors though, but you'll find those easily if you read over this again.
Also, here comes the fussy, nitpicky me; I think the climax escalated a little to quickly. The friends died pretty much straight away. I think the console could have been a little more cruel and calculating before he just jumped straight to brutally murdering the boys friends. The climax is what makes a story.
The console was very creepy though, so well done. Good story overall.
Hey there, So Jumpyspot pretty much hit everything I was going to tell you but I might as well put in some opinions to right? So the first thing I can tell you is that you need to always think about why you're writing the story or poem or whatever it is that you are writing. Me personally I write in horror genre and that's pretty much all I write and I have seen great pieces of work and terrible ones in this genre and usually it's not the ladder. So when I am about to write something like a story I have to think why am I writing this and who is this going to appeal to? And I know it probably sounds stupid but it'll help you with adding passion. Because one of the things I noticed you where lacking was passion. That is really what was killing you. So really sit down and think really hard why your writing it.
So with horror, it is a tuff genre to write. There're are so many clichés out there that it hurts my head, but it's your job as a writer to break the cliché box. So my suggestion is to take a very predictable moment and twist it around until you barely know how it will end up working out. (and don't take that seriously. it's always good to have some kind of plan. 0.o) I think you have potential, everyone does but maybe you should try your hand at a different section of horror. Maybe go into a more realistic point of view. Like serial killers and spooky and mysterious death. Really play around with it and get more comfortable with it because the vibe I'm getting is not comfortable.
Last thing I going to say is edit this piece and make it more you. Give the main character more of a personality. Best way to start off doing that more me at least is put yourself in the characters shoes. What would you do? Then really get into the mind of your character and be them. I know it sounds corny but just imagination being in their shoes for just a minute and that will help a lot. Oh and be creative with the style that you write to. Descriptions would be lovely and big and powerful words grab the readers attention. So not only work on the actual pot and things like that in the story work on the words and how you put them together. Because no offence right now it kinda sounds like you making a list of things that he had done that day.
So in conclusion, please don't get discouraged and continue to write and create things. I would love to see this new and edited soon. Because I want to see what you can do. So keep it up and don't give up.