She wore the same dress she does everyday.
The cobalt fabric pluming out around her thin hips, the fresh-pressed ribbon wrapped impeccably around the waist and tied into a delicate bow that consumed the front of the skirt. She had the same shower of freckles that were scattered across her skin like an inverse night sky, her wine-hued hair lying across her shoulders in the identical pattern of curls that she always bared.
Her lips were permanently curled into a gleeful smile that sent trickling waves of nostalgia down your spine. The kind that made you see her playing a familiar game of chase in the backyard, a chunky pup yipping after her as it’s floppy ears flung about. She’d giggle and squeal out of pure happiness as her feet got tangled under her with the small dog’s own, falling to the ground with a soft thump into the grass.
The spaniel would hop onto her stomach, barking merrily as it tugged at the loose fabric of her shirt, fighting back as her hands gently beat at it’s sides. A grin would grow on my own lips as I watched the scene, my entire body relaxing in the moment of recollection of another’s treasured memories. Her hair went wild, her luxuriate curls twisting with tangles as bits of twigs and gravel twirled into it, the rocks digging into her scalp as she squirmed underneath the growing weight on top of her. The jubilant titter of her laughs being choked off into gasps as she fought for an escape as the paws on her shoulders moved to muffle her screams, the freckles that once gleamed on her cheeks invisible under the mixture of tears and dirt that decorated her face.
I’d see her panicked expression one last time before the pale blue of her eyes would fade out into a milky white as they fought for life, the sounds of her last wheezes of breathe echoing in my ears-
Clink.
It felt as if I had fallen from another universe and plopped into my one, the image of my father bending under the dining room table to pick up his fork the first thing before my eyes. I looked around, letting out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding as I looked at the girl that stood in the doorway to the kitchen, my fingers wrapping into a fist subconsciously. Her smile tugged down into a frown as she looked at her shredded dress and stained bobby-socks.
I was still staring at the young girl as my mother spoke up.
“So, Bea, how was school?”
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wow, you've got some great descriptions here. I'm jealous.
) but sometimes it's also good to be straightforward, you know? You want to be able to add flavour to your work plus make sure your message is coming clear to your readers.
But I agree with the reviewer below me. Even though your descriptions are pretty awesome, some parts are still kind of confusing. I've read that you meant for her to trip over the dog and be strangled by someone, but the way you've got it written doesn't necessarily call for that (I actually thought the dog was strangling her). I mean, it's nice to be fancy with your words (it adds flavour to the piece
I would also recommend adding some background to who the narrator is to the girl in the dress. What I'm getting from this is that they knew each other, but the narrator strangled her and now the girl is haunting her? That's a wonderful idea (chilling, really), but I feel like there needs to be a little more in here. Juice it up a bit. Add some context to the events going on in the narrator's mind. You don't have to flesh it out completely, but just enough that you're on the same page as the readers. You may know what's going on, but we don't, you know?
Okay, but I loved the way you started off this story as a nice and cheerful tale, but it turns really dark really quick. I absolutely adored the transition there (especially that line when her laugh turns to chokes). And I've got to agree with the reviewer below me; that fork thing was wonderfully used.
All in all, I really enjoyed this. All it needs is a little more clarity. c:
Hi EmbracetheSass! I love the premise of the story and was very intrigued by the great title that you have for your story! I love the first paragraph of the story and found your opening sentence very intriguing.
However, some parts did confuse me. Like the little girl is playing with her dog which, if I am correct, a spaniel is a tiny dog. I don't understand how the dog would cause the girl fall to the ground hard enough to crack her head open on the rocks. I also don't get the narrator's connection with the girl in the dress.
At first I thought that the narrator and the girl could have been siblings or old friends but that was never fully answered and it was really confusing about why the girl would be haunting the narrator.
I loved the end where the narrator hears the clink and is brought back to reality.
I can't wait to read more of your work! Keep writing!
-Brunette
Thank Brunette! This was sorta the part 1 of a mini series or even novel I'm working on. And she tripped over the small dog, but I meant for the transition to be one from playing with her dog on the ground to being strangled by someone. Sorry if it was confusing!