When you fall deep into the water,
And feel your lungs collapsing inside of you,
You know you cannot take a breath,
Though you cannot resist the struggle.
The bubbles arise,
Your breath finally leaving you,
You want to try,
Breath,
Live.
You watch the sun slowly fade as you sink down,
Deeper,
Deeper,
Until you are engulfed by the dark waters forever,
The dark waters we call life.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hello, InfiniteRectangles here with a review for you!
This poem definitely has potential. The message is clear, although as it stands right now, it's a little bland. Your use of imagery was very minimal. Adding more imagery would really give your reader a chance to immerse themselves in the poem.
Expand on this! Add some imagery. Show, don't tell. You have an excellent opportunity in this line to show the readers exactly how you feel instead of just telling them.
The only other thing I noticed is your excessive use of commas. You don't need punctuation at the end of every line. Punctuation can add so much to a poem, but if used to much it can make your poem choppy. So be careful of that. Try adding commas only where you want there to be a pause instead of at the end of every single line. It will make your poem flow much better.
That's all I have to say. I enjoyed your poem, I just wish it were more descriptive. Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
Hi EmPanda15! Happy review day!
I enjoy the message that you are conveying in the poem. Life can feel very hard, and sometimes we do feel as though we are literally drowning in it. Yet, even though we are drowning, we still keep trying. It’s a message everyone can relate to.
I do have a few suggestions:
First of all, every single line is capitalized. Was that intentional? For me, it interrupts the flow of the poem and feels out of place. It makes everything a bit choppy, and I don’t think it fits your tone.
I’d also think about adding more imagery perhaps. You have some, and I can picture what is happening somewhat, but I don’t yet feel completely emerged into the poem. Especially since you are describing water, you really want readers to feel immersed.
I’d think about your punctuation too. Not every single line needs punctuation, and when you overuse punctuation, lines that are meant to stand out blend in with the rest. Hold back on the commas, and maybe think about highlighting some of the “big” lines with periods.
Also keep in mind that the concept of life as water and feeling as though you are drowning has been done by many other people. Make yours unique so that it is set apart from all of the rest!
That’s all I’ve got. Have a great day/night!
~iamanaspiringwriter
Heya, this is Jedi, here to review your work!
This is a very nice piece, and I enjoyed reading it. You created a dark atmosphere very well, so great job! Now onto some critique.
Nitpicks
Overall
The subject of drowning is very common in the world of poetry, but I think you did a good job. There were a bit too many commas, so maybe try cutting down on the unnecessary ones. Also the capital letter beginning each line didn't really fit this type of piece, but that's just my opinion. I hope to read more of your works in the future, keep writing! I hope this review was helpful to you!
Hi EmPanda!
Dropping in for a review here.
This poem uses only simple words, but still deals with a dark, serious subject in a splendid manner. I especially like your imagery, because I really did picture someone drowning (in a swimming pool, though I'm not sure why), the sun shining off the surface and bursting into a million fractals of light, beautiful on the outside, but a dying person inside.
I realize that it need not be taken in such a literal way, and I do understand the layers here, but this is the main picture that came to mind.
Just one small correction: in the line before Live, I believe it should be breathe and not breath. The breathe-breath confusion is common, but you have to pay attention to it, because it immediately lessens the quality of any work, IMHO.
I especially like these two lines:
"Though you cannot resist the struggle."
and
"The dark waters we call life."
These are both genius sentences, and really do leave a deep mark.
Overall, wonderful job.
Sadie