Young Writers Society

~Ello, caliginous here~

Welcome, welcome!! I hope you are enjoying YWS so far! Excellent poem, first of all. You are amazing at describing what's going on in your head throughout the whole piece. Now, we dive into some improvements.

As Waffle said, the title does not fit with the poem. Where is a girl mentioned? The poem is most likely written from the perspective of a girl, but that's all the title gives me. You're not going to attract many readers with a title so bland as this. Give me some details! Tell me what this poem is really about. Titles should take some thinking. They should be clever, thought-provoking, compelling.

Ok, so I know what his eyebrows look like. The exact position of them, down to the smallest detail. But . . . what about the rest of his face? His posture? His expression? The angles of his face and body? The light you can see in his eyes? These are very important details I need if I were to envision him in my mind, which it seems you are trying to get the reader to do based on the vivid description of his eyebrows. Sure, the eyebrows are important, but are they really that important? Don't get me wrong, I love that description, I'm just suggesting you add a few more lines describing other important details.

"as invincible, I / would lie"
Take that "I" and move it to the beginning of the next line. You've already introduced a pattern in the beginning of that stanza, having "I would lie" all on one line. Stick with this pattern. Besides, continuing the pattern would improve the flow of these lines. Which brings me to my next point.

The flow of the whole poem was a little hard to follow. In fact, I couldn't really find a nice rhythm. Some lines are short, some are long. Perhaps you could consider cutting up some long lines or combining shorter lines. You could even reword a few lines in some places if you feel it would help the flow while not disrupting the main story.

Your poem is amazing, and I hope you love it here at YWS!

~caliginous

Hello! Waffle here for a quick review. This is truly a beautiful, descriptive piece, but there are just a few things I think could be improved.

First off; your title. I do not think that your title has much to do with this. If you placed a "girl" somewhere as a main part of the story, I did not see it.

Now with the first chunk; I am a bit confused as to why you chose to describe his eyebrows. It's one thing to describe that, but since it is such a non-descriptive part of the face as to what he actually looks like, I would either go with his eyes or his skin texture, or describe another feature after describing his eyebrows.

"just above
his nose in confusion," What nose? The round nose? The large, small, the pointy nose? I would add in a bit of description for the nose other than just "nose".

Your spacing is hard to follow. I think this should be in a more poetic, delicate layout. This should give you a good idea of what I'm trying to say: http://images.scrollweddinginvitations. ... 0-%206.jpg
You don't need to add in numbers, and you can decrease the amount of spaces between the lines, but this is what I think would help your poem flow better.

Any ways, I enjoyed this and I hope to hear more stories from you soon.
Keep writing!
Waffle~