Published April 1, 2008
I'm such a dork. And do you see the hit and miss going on? =D
Em sits near the back of class,
So she can check out Curtis.
She doesn't like poetry all that much,
Rhyming is like hit and miss.
So when Ms. Jacoby told her to read her poem,
Em said she'd rather not.
The teacher said she had no choice,
And Em felt her face get hot.
So she trudged slowly across the cheap carpet,
Heart beating out of her chest.
First grade soccer games came to her mind,
The coach telling her to do her best.
Em cleared her throat obnoxiously,
Trying to kill some time.
And then she recited her poem looking directly at Curtis,
"Love is in the air,
I know it sounds so cliche,
But it's on my mind."
And he rudely pointed out that it didn't rhyme.
Em was blushing a deep maroon,
Her classmates were in stitches.
It's a freaking senryū she thought,
you uneducated little.. "witches".
When she got back to her seat,
There was a text from Curtis.
It asked "wuz that poem 4 me?<3",
And she replied: "Hah, you ain't gettin' none of this!"
Em should have felt triumphant,
When she saw Curtis's face all flushed.
But all that she could think about,
Was how cute he looked when he blushed.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
=o=o=o
Very surprisinlg good.
However I do feel a need for a change of title.
The title you have know is uninteresting and BORING!
I almost didn't check this poem out.
However if you wrote this about yourself, you are good at poetry.
I love how you incorporate that boy into it.
Did that really happen?
Any guy who does that is super sweet <33
This line doesn't really fit in though,
"First grade soccer games came to her mind,
The coach telling her to do her best."
However, eveything else is pretty amazing.
A bit of editing may be needed but it's rare
I rate this 8/10 very good job!:)
"It's a freaking senryu"
I'm not sure I like the flow of this. Is there perhaps anothing poem form you could make it be? XD even if she gets it wrong, the flow of this line jarrs me.
Oh, Em, you were going so well! I love her reply, and I love that he knows it was for him... but the chat speak? really? If you could, I'd revert this to some real English. Just because it ruins the sweet, and touching nature of the act itself, and goes against the rest of the poem.
I like how touching the poem is, and the way you've worked this and I think you've done well. While I dislike rhyme as a general rule, I think you've done well here to make this not stand out so much.
Have a look at the suggestions and if you chnage it at all, give me a Pm, and I'll be glad to return to look at it again. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I liked this. It's funny
It made me laugh.
'freaking haiku' was better. At least people know what one is and it makes the joke easier to get.
I don't know what you mean about 'syllables' those make up words, not words themselves. Though a poem is about a crush, that doesn't mean you should poo-poo it. It's rather rare to see originality and comedy being done in narrative poetry, while using light humor to describe a crush, but not make the poem the obvious focus of it. That is a difference between the generic and the original.
lol i really liked this poem.
It's funny and cute and I think it was really good.
good poem
I'm hopeless at them
~Blue Fairy
This is adorable! And quite hilarious.
The title is quite catchy too, and works really great with the poem.
'It's a freaking senryū she thought,
you uneducated little.. "witches" ' - I love this bit, it's very clever.
'It asked "wuz that poem 4 me?<3",
And she replied: "Hah, you ain't gettin' none of this!" ' - And that really did leave me in stitches :p
I agree with wooster, some of rhythm is a little out, but that's something you'll get better at with practice.
Overall, this is genious! Keep it up
Hey I liked this. This was a really cute poem. I liked the way you brought, school, poetry and crushes into one poem. I get what you mean by 'hit and miss'. Very discouraging.
I love how you added the text messages into your poem.
Although this was *crushes* and everything, the poem itself was very good. It rhymed!
Some of the syllables though, might need attention. I'm not good enough to point them out, but drop someone like Cade a line and she'll be able to. For now, did you read this out loud? If not, then do so and see if you find any bits that need tweaking. And it would be wiser to do it in a few days when the novelty has worn off, then you'll be a better judge.
I know, haikus are about nature and seasons and what not.
And there is another word for what I wrote..
But I can't remember.
Someone enlighten me?
*hitch hikes to Wikipedia*
Senryū. That still doesn't seem right.
I did this to show my superior texting skills.
Haha.
Haha that was actually funny, and this does belong right in narrative poetry. One of the better examples in fact. But I must point out a teeny tiny flaw.
"Love is in the air,
I know it sounds so cliche,
But it's on my mind."
That is no haiku.
Was funny because teachers used to pull that sort of thing all the time, especially English teachers, they have some cruel pleasure in doing it to. They ALWAYS pick the person who really REALLY doesn't want to be forced to recite it. I think almost everyone can relate, and that makes it good.
Oh.. and the whole Curtis thing was kinda cute. That...
"It asked "wuz that poem 4 me?<3",
And she replied: "Hah, you ain't gettin' none of this!"
Hey you changed it! I like the original! Aww...now I can't quote properly. *Grumble...* Or did I read through the horrible speak.....