Young Writers Society

Hey, I'm here to leave a review!

#NaRevWriMo #ReviewDay #GoTeamBigBang

First of all, I would like to suggest you to change the digits into words. They don't work well with all these words.

Anyway, like Fortis has said, this poem lacks diversity in terms of word structures. Hyphens, semicolons, ellipsis - these punctuation marks can help make your poem more alive. Italicising words that demand emphasize, giving a bit of indent before starting a new line are all the choices you can use for your own benefit.

Try to start with small things when it comes to big issues like this and expand them. A stanza of four lines can be quite small to contain a powerful message. For example:

14 years ago, I was 2 months old.
Small, fragile and clueless.
Unknowing to the hate and dangers
throughout our entire world.

Fourteen years ago, I was a couple months old -
small, fragile and clueless.
Unknowing to the deaths and miseries
stemmed from hatred and cruelty of this world.

14 years ago, over 3,000 people died.

Okay minor thing- 'yet' is a contradicting/contrast word. Saying 'yet' implies that we wouldn't remember the terrorist attack. I get what you're trying to say 'it's been 14 years and we still remember it' but I feel like we aren't expected to forget it.

I like that you wrote a poem about something like this with also not being a little overboard. A lot of writers write about touchy subjects like these and dont know all the facts so they insult people because of it. I think you did an amazing job forming this poem and it clearly shows you knew enough about it. I feel just about the same as you and I am glad you wrote an amazing poem to remind people of this tragic day that needs to be remembered. I like your style and I hope to see more. I also like this peom because I know about some crazy things and horrible things that happened that day that was close to me. If that makes any sense? I really enjoyed this poem and hope to see more of your great work.

Hey ChickenBrothWater.

So I like what you're trying to do here. I think though, that it comes off a little wooden. You have some good ideas, but the execution is lack-luster. Poems don't exist to tell facts. Anyone could look up how long ago 9/11 was and how many people were killed.

The way you present this is stiff. The short sentences and the straight up statements of facts makes this so. I think if you loosen up a little bit, allow yourself to put some emotion into this, some poetic devices, it may help you achieve some sympathy from your readers. As it is, it reads like someone was giving a report on how many ears of corn were harvested this july. Use some voice, some emotion, some expression. Put a new angle on it.

Also your author's note is missing a period or something after "solemnly" and it's bothering me.

I applaud the effort though. You've got the ideas down, now just work on execution. ^^
Keep writing! I hope this helped. Let me know if you have any questions or if you just want my opinion.

~fortis

I was gonna say a thing, but I dunno how to word it, and eh...