Young Writers Society

Midnight and all was quiet, go figure the one night I decided to volunter for my partner Jax and nothing of importance was going on. (Volunter should be volunteer. This is pretty much a mess. Try rearranging words until it makes more sense. Add commas! I'd rewrite this as "It was midnight. All was quiet - go figure. The one night I decided to volunteer for my partner, Jax, and nothing interesting was happening," or something similar.) I sighed and looked up at the gloomy sky that was threathing rain, if something was going happen tonight I wished it would happen now. (Threathing should be threatening. The comma between "rain" and "if" should be a period. The order of sentences here doesn't make much sense either. I would combine them as "Wishing something would happen soon, I sighed and looked up at the moody sky, waiting for the inevitable rain.") As if someone had heard my silent plea, a loud scream rent the air; (Rent is probably not the best word choice here. This semicolon would serve better purpose as a period.) jumping from the forty foot ledge I had been perched upon I hit the ground and continued to run. (More comma problems. Instead of "perched upon I hit the ground," it should be "perched upon, I hit the ground," and an "After" at the beginning of the sentence would help with clarification.) The scream sounded like it had come from the north and it sounded like one of absoulte (absolute) horror. Before I go on (Commas are your friends! "Before I go on,") perhaps I should give you an outlook of what and who Iam. (I am. "What and who I am" sounds fairly overdone, too - try replacing this with something less tired - it'll make it more interesting and less of a chore to read.) Over four hundred year's (Comma/apostrophe problems. "years,") I had been the wife of a poorly farmer, yet ("Poorly" should be "poor." Try changing ", yet" to ". However," as 'yet' doesn't really fit with your tone.) what he lacked in money he made up for in the love he gave to me. We had a baby girl named Madison and (Maybe "and it looked" would be more readable.) looked as if our lives were finally about to change, we just didnt know it would be an ancient race of vampire's to change it. (The comma after change should be a period. "didnt" should be "didn't." "vampire's" should be "vampires." This sentence might be more effective structured differently, as well.) I had been spared simply for the reason of being chosen as favorite,(Change this comma to a period.) I however watched as they ripped my little girl to shred's, devouring what was left of her. (Try changing "I however" to "However, I..." "shred's" should be "shreds." Ripping her to shreds and then devouring her is kind of redundant - maybe just get rid of "devouring what was left of her" altogether.) As for my husband (comma) who had tried to fight for the life of my daughter and myself, I watched as they bit into his neck and drained the life force of ("from" or "out of," rather than just "of," would make more sense here.) him and took my reason for living with them. Since that day I (comma) Katrina Deeze (comma) vowed I would hunt down the murders (murderers) of my faimly (family).


I could tell I was nearing the scene when fresh blood eluded (Eluding something is evading or avoiding it. Change it to "flooded," "assaulted," or something similar and perhaps not as pretentious as my suggestions.) my senses, (This comma should be a period.) maybe I would get to see some action after all tonight. I rounded the corner of the ally (alley) I had been running down to see a tall dark figure holding a petite blond who had stopped her fight for survial (survival).
"Hey asshole, why dont you pick on someone your own size for a change." (It's not entirely clear if the narrator or someone else says this.) The vampire jerked his head around at the sound of my voice, blood coverd(change "blood coverd" to "covered in blood," and add a period at the end.) he smiled and dropped the now dead women (woman) as if she were a ragdoll.
"Katrina, I have a great deal about you. I must say I'am dissapointed ("I am disappointed," with a comma after 'disappointed.') however." Unfazed by his remark (comma) I smiled and pushed my jacket aside to give him a view of the gun's (guns) at my hip, both which were filled with a holy water element. (Try rephrasing "a holy water element.")
"As much as I would to stay here and chat, your liveing ("living," and maybe "living on," "living in," "living with," or just an altogether rephrase to make it make more sense?) borrowed time."

Okay, this is a little too short for me to really post a long review.

Above me ^^^, the others seem to have touched on everything that you need to fix.

I will add, however, that you need to space this out more. Also, you are missing a lot of commas.

One thing too, is that you rush too much. Slow it down, legthen it out, and save her life story for another chapter. I don't want to know all about her life in the first chapter. Then, almost immediately, the story looses interest.

On a happy note, you have a nice start here. The chapter's ending was perfect You left the reader wanting more, which is a plus!

Hope this helps!

There are quite a few typos and grammar errors as Vampy_Girl15 said.

Midnight and all was quiet, go figure the one night I decided to volunter for my partner Jax and nothing of importance was going on.

I sighed and looked up at the gloomy sky that was threathing <-- (that should be "threatening") rain, <-- (turn the comma into a period) if <-- (capitalize the "i" in if) something was going happen tonight I wished it would happen now. As if someone had heard my silent plea, a loud scream rent the air; <-- (change the semicolon into a period) jumping <-- (capitalize the "j" in jumping) from the forty-foot ledge I had been perched upon, I hit the ground and continued to run. The scream sounded like it had come from the north and it sounded like one of absoulte horror.

Before I go on perhaps I should give you an outlook of what and who I am. Over four hundred year's <-- (that should be "years," not "year's") I had been the wife of a poorly farmer, yet what he lacked in money he made up for in the love he gave to me. We had a baby girl named Madison and it looked as if our lives were finally about to change, <-- (should be a period instead of a comma) we <-- (the "w" in we should be capitalized) just didn't know it would be an ancient race of vampire's <-- (should be "vampires," not "vampire's") to change it. I had been spared simply for the reason of being chosen as favorite. However, I watched as they <-- (you should substitute "vampires" for "they") ripped my little girl to shred's [color=red]<-- (should be "shreds" instead of "shred's"), devouring what was left of her. As for my husband who had tried to fight for the life of my daughter and myself, I watched as they bit in the neck and drained the life out of him, and took my reason for living with them. Since that day I, Katrina Deeze, vowed I would hunt down the murders of my faimly.


I could tell I was nearing the scene when fresh blood eluded my senses. Maybe I would get to see some action after all tonight. I rounded the corner of the ally I had been running down to see a tall dark figure holding a petite blond who had stopped her fight for survial <-- (should be "survival").
"Hey, asshole, why don't you pick on someone your own size for a change. <-- (turn the period into a question mark)" (start a new paragraph here) --> The vampire jerked his head around at the sound of my voice, blood covered, he smiled and dropped the now dead women <-- (should be woman) as if she were <-- (should be "was" instead of were) a ragdoll.

"Katrina, I have a great deal about you. I must say I am dissapointed <-- (it is spelled d-i-s-a-p-p-o-i-n-t-e-d) however." (start a new paragraph here) --> Unfazed by his remark, I smiled and pushed my jacket aside to give him a view of the gun's at my hip, both which were filled with a holy water element.
"As much as I would to stay here and chat, your liveing <-- (take out the 'e') borrowed time."

Well, I like the plot but this is too short to be a chapter. Now if this is only part of chapter one it's okay but I did find a few mistakes.

Before I go on perhaps I should give you an outlook of what and who Iam

Since that day I, Katrina Deeze, vowed I would hunt down the murders of my faimly.

"Katrina, I have a great deal about you. I must say I'am dissapointed however."

"As much as I would to stay here and chat, your living on borrowed time."