Chapter One
The Black Hand
It smelled like rain, heavy and electric. Ash felt a shiver down his spine as he stared at the steel skies that stretched overhead. A strong, vicious wind had kicked up, flattening the grass on either side of the highway and drowning out the roar of his Kawasaki. Ash glanced behind his shoulder. The city of Ohiro, sprawled out across the horizon, was vanishing into the dusk. Its blue lights glinted in the fading light. A gray mist hung over everything, and Ash grew more and more uneasy as he left the city farther behind. He hated rain. It was an instinctive premonition; the clouds that blotted out the sun always stood for something about to go terribly wrong, an ill omen.
Ash pushed his bike to a faster pace and tried to ignore the thunder that rumbled menacingly in the distance. He stared straight ahead at the road and paid little attention to the bleak landscape as it blurred past: Black cable lines ran alongside the road, cutting across the darkened sky. Concrete structures of unknown purpose and tangled wire fences littered the ground, starkly lit in front of the Kawasaki’s headlight. But the only thing that moved was a lone train in the distant west. There was no sign of human life this far north of the city. It was eerie, but at least being utterly alone gave him some protection from inquisitive others. Up ahead rose the dark shapes of overgrown trees; their leaves lashing about in the wind.
Soon, the highway began to narrow, and Ash was forced to slow his pace as asphalt turned into rough, old concrete. The dozens of pits and tar-filled cracks that marred the road forced him to swerve wildly from side to side. He followed the road deeper into the woods. The trees became entangled, growing thick and close together. Not many came this far away from Ohiro; the road was mostly used by delivery trucks and government vehicles. As such it had fallen into disrepair. This was also why Ash had chosen to use it---because no one else did.
He drifted around a bend, then crawled along as he looked for the small access road on the left side. It was easy to miss. But he saw the markers to the off-road and turned onto the buckled road. It dropped steeply. The trees pressed closer on both sides, choking the pavement with their roots. The paved section ended, and Ash hit the hard, rutted dirt. He went a short ways in before he pulled off to the side and switched off the engine. He concealed his bike behind a thick mat of brush and removed his helmet. Ash stashed away his biker’s gear and pulled out a long black overcoat. He put it on and found his mask that had been stashed away in the saddlebag. The mask had a sinister look to it, the downward tilt of the mouth, the smooth white surface and black lined sockets. An image is an image, after all. And there were many in the city who associated this particular image with the fear that came from coming face to face with the Black Hand.
Ash strapped on the mask and continued on foot. Following the winding road, he came to a small, gravel-covered clearing. The access road ended at a tall, chain link fence, razor wire gleaming at the top. A heavy lock hung loosely from a chain that banged against the gate in the wind, and a red sign printed with bold, white letters read: “Warning: Chemical danger past this point. Restricted to authorized government access only.”
Ash knew there was an old nuclear plant past the fence, but it had been out of commission for years and the access road was only used for unofficial gang meeting and Runner deals. Ash himself, or rather, “The Black Hand” was a Runner, and he was waiting in the clearing to meet with his contact. Apparently, someone was interested in hiring him. He hoped the job was not anything too shady, it had sounded like an intelligence deal, but he suspected it might have something to do with smuggling, as usual. Ash pulled out his phone and quickly checked the screen. No new messages. He waited another moment before punching in a few characters and sending off a text. “Where are you?” He waited for a bit and began to pace. A sudden blast of wind pushed against him, and he glanced worriedly at the sky. If the contact did not arrive soon he would leave. No chance he was risking this weather. Ash would feel much better once he was safely back inside the city. He readjusted the mask that covered his face and pulled the hood of his jacket low over his head.
Ash checked his phone again. This time there was a response:
“Don’t get antsy” was the only reply. Ash scowled. Just who did these people think they were dealing with?
For a moment he regretted losing his old contact, at least he had shown a higher level of respect. But after his near capture by a police ambush, Ash had been forced to take extra precautions. He had heard “Tooth” was good, at least good enough to fly under police radar, even though he was purely of the underworld. As a Runner, Ash needed a connection to the world of normal citizens. It was too risky to find jobs himself. Tooth had those connections… At least, he hoped so.
Another minute passed, then two. It started to rain. Cold and blowing all over the place. Ash checked his phone one last time before heading back towards his bike. He was leaving.
But then he heard the low hum of a car engine, and he saw the approaching headlights. They were here, after all. Ash darted into the shadows and watched as the car, a sleek black Honda, pulled up to a stop.
Two men got out, one was the contact, but the other he did not recognize. A man dressed in a sharp black suit, silver glasses shielding his eyes.
“I thought you only came alone.” Ash typed in and sent off the message. The two men glanced around the clearing, and Tooth checked his phone.
“I told you there was someone else coming tonight.” Tooth sent back. “We’re unarmed.”
How do I know? Ash thought back to his near capture by the police a few months back and shrank further into the shadows. But funds had been low this month, and it was only one other person, and Ash was wearing his mask. Should he risk it?
The other man became suddenly interested in what Tooth was doing.
“Who are you talking to?” He asked, his voice rising above the falling of the rain. “Where is he? I thought you said he’d be here.” He said.
“He is.” Tooth said.
“Where?” The man asked. Ash made up his mind. He would risk it. He stepped out of the clearing and began walking towards them with an even and confident pace.
“I’m here.” He said. The man stared at him for a moment, as if stunned that a human had just materialized from the shadows. He gave a quick nod.
“Allow me to introduce myself,” he said with a short bow. “I am nameless to you, Black Hand, but you should know that I am one of the most influential members of the yuzuka.” There was not a trace of boasting in his voice, the man simply stated fact. Ash returned the bow. “As long as we are satisfied with your performance, there will be no trouble for you in the future.” The man said. Ash smiled to himself. He had dealt with much, much more dangerous clients in the past than the yuzuka. The threats were empty to him.
“How can I be of service?” He asked, disguising his voice in a low tone.
The man started to say something, but lightning interrupted him. It streaked across the sky, drowning the world in a brilliant white flash. The rain poured harder, and the man’s mouth turned down at the corners rather severely. He pushed his glasses up on his face.
“I’ll try and be as brief as possible here.” He said. “I’m sure you’re aware of the disappearances in Ohiro that have been happening lately?” Ash thought for a moment.
“Do you mean the Crow Killer?” he asked.
“No… random people reported missing. Their bodies never found.” Something clicked in the back of his mind. Yes, he had heard of them.
“What about them?” The man glanced around, perhaps from a habitual wariness, before continuing.
“Our faction has information, and we believe that these disappearances are connected to a medical research corporation. Some of our members have witnessed some of the “body smugglers” themselves.” This did sound familiar. It was slowly coming back to Ash in bits and pieces. “At any rate, we thought it would be in our best interests to look further into it.” So now the yuzuka are detectives? Ash thought smugly.
“What did you find?” He asked.
“The disappearances are most likely instigated by a scientific group, as we suspected, but we couldn’t narrow it down to the exact company.”
Ash wasn’t surprised. There were a lot of things that the yuzuka completely bumbled over, despite their legendary name. He liked to think of them as a large group of unorganized thugs, run by businessmen who thought they were elites.
“So you want me to track down who’s responsible?” Ash asked.
“No… we already hired a man for that.” He said. “Unfortunately, the agent in question went missing about a week ago.” The man reached into his jacket and pulled out an envelope. He flipped it open and showed Ash the picture inside. It was of a sharp-nosed ma with short brown hair. Ash frowned as he examined it. He was sure he had seen that man somewhere before.
“Nicolas Ishida.” The man continued. “You may recognize him. The half-Japanese lieutenant for the police Investigation squad.” Ash’s eyes widened. Ishida… he had seen him before. On the night when the police had set up an ambush for him, he had been there. In fact, he had been the one who had tried to shoot him.
“He’s missing?” Ash asked.
“Yes. Something that is going to mean a lot of trouble for us if he is not quickly found. Ishida was the one who first told us about the disappearances, and the one who suggested we investigate. If it is somehow discovered that we had an agent on the force that worked as a spy…” the man closed up the envelope and handed it to Ash. “Anyways, here’s all the information we have. The sooner you find him the better.” Ash looked down at the envelope.
“You’re going to trust me in this?” He asked.
“You’re the legendary Black Hand, aren’t you? Are you saying that it would be too difficult?” he asked.
“Not difficult.” Ash said. “But strange that the yuzuka would go to so much trouble to higher an outside Runner to track down a double-agent… why not just do it yourselves? Less risk that way.” The man studied him, silently staring at him as if trying to determine the true meaning of Ash’s words.
“There is more risk, yes. But it distances us from the police. You are the intermediary. They won’t be able to track what it is you’re really doing. They’ve been hunting you down without success for ages, or so I’ve been told.” Ash grimaced. They wanted him, an outsider, only to avoid being connected to the police. There had to be more though…
“Still, you don’t hire the Black Hand for something like this.” Ash said, testing him. The man’s mouth narrowed into a thin line.
“That’s not all.” He said. “You see, Ishida happened to have a very valuable piece of information on him at the time he went missing… information that belongs to us.”
“I see.” Ash said. “So you want me to bring him back?”
“Not if it’s impracticable. The information is the most important factor. Get it back from him by any means necessary. As long as we have that coda, it doesn’t matter whether Ishida is alive or not.”
“And this information would be…”
“All the details are in that envelope. At least, the details you need to now.” The man said. “So, will you take it?”
Rain filled the silence, and Tooth nervously paced back to his car, the engine purring softly. The hard lines of the man’s face were cast in sharp shadows in the glare of the headlights. Ash weighed the envelope in his hand.
“Seems straightforward enough.” He said. “It is only a matter of price.”
It was completely dark by the time Ash started on his way back towards the city. The rain still poured, and there was a nagging in the back of his mind. But he couldn’t place the feeling of unease. Somehow, something had not seemed quite right. There was too much that went on in the city that he was not aware of… dangerous things that he perhaps did not want to be aware of. Still, shouldn’t he have heard more about the disappearances? And what did one yuzuka plant in the police force have to do with anything? Why was this “Ishida” connected to it all? Ash mused things over as he kicked the Kawasaki into fourth and blazed down the highway, back towards the blue lights of the city, glowing faintly in the rain.
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Well, hope that wasn't too terribly boring. Let me know what you think, this needs to work as a first chapter for a thriller, what expectations did you get for the story after reading this?
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Canary word: Present
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Hi Eloquent,
This is what I call fantastic writing. It had a perfect pace, and you used description incredibly well. I noticed all the lovely details in the beginning, but then your writing got me hooked and I felt like I do when I'm reading a good book! I loved the dark feeling you had going there, it made it really suspenseful. And you used the information drops incredibly well, so now we kind of know what to expect, but we also don't at the same time.
I understand where the story is going and I can't wait to read more. I like how you've built up the characters here. And let me know when you post more because I would love to read it.
Deanie x
Hey there.
Whisperer here to review.
, but I hope you'd find them helpful.
Here goes:
Sorry for the number of nitpicks below
- I think this is a good opener. It doesn't feel 'comfortable' though, but that's probably what you were going for. The combination of 'heavy' and 'electric' works well; makes me think of a thunderstorm. I'm confused though as to how you can 'smell' 'heavy' and 'electric'. For 'electric', I'm smelling burned wires.
- I can't visualize 'steel skies' here. If I am to take this literally, I'd think the sky is blocked by a large steel pad, or metal rods are raining down.
- Good imagery.
- The first time I read this sentence, I didn't get it. Perhaps it's because I was not completely familiar with the word 'sprawl'. xD So I thought the second phrase and the last phrase contradicted. But now that I get it, I think this image is well done.
- The 'blue lights glinted' is such a beautiful three-word combination for me
- By now, I think that you're really good with words and imagery.
- The 'instinctive premonition' is beautiful word combo (again), but then comes 'ill omen' at the end, which makes kind of repetitive. I'm not saying that you should reword/rewrite this. (Repetition is sometimes necessary for emphasis.) I think that you can just replace the comma after 'terribly wrong' with an ellipsis or a dash, because the clause before after the semi-colon refers to 'an ill omen'. Between an ellipsis or a dash, I'd say the dash (with spaces before and after) because an ellipsis would make it sound like it's in first person which it isn't.
- I don't think you need to capitalize the 'b' in 'Black' there.
- I think you could have expressed this better in the paragraph. Also, the triple dash doesn't look good. A single dash with spaces before and after would be fine.
- Dang, I seriously thought he was riding a plain bike. xD *is not really familiar with vehicles* *ehem* Moving on...
- Dash instead of comma after 'it' there. Also, hyphenate 'black lined'.
- Sounded like first person, but it works well with the following sentence, which shouldn't be a separate sentence. Just replace the period there with a comma.
- I don't think the comma after 'image' is necessary.
- This nitpick isn't necessary but the 'on foot' there makes me think he is not wearing any footwear. xD
- This sentence seems incomplete. Perhaps this should be connected to the sentence that preceded it?
- Sounded first person. Was this supposed to be a thought?
- I think this was wrongly punctuated. The succeeding sentence seems to be a dialogue tag, and so the period after 'alone' should instead be a comma. This goes the same for the pieces of dialogue after this.
- Is 'yuzuka' a proper or just a common name?
- For the first part, I (as the reader) know for sure that the person talking is the unnamed man, but then came 'Ash thought for a moment.' and the 'he asked.' dialogue tag at the end. I suggest you do this:
“I’ll try and be as brief as possible here.” He said. “I’m sure you’re aware of the disappearances in Ohiro that have been happening lately?”
Ash thought for a moment. “Do you mean the Crow Killer?” he asked.
- Same problem here again. ' "What about them?" ' was asked by Ash, but the sentence that followed referred to the unnamed man, and then the next dialogue was said by this unnamed man. I suggest you do this:
“What about them?”
The man glanced around, perhaps from a habitual wariness, before continuing. “Our faction has information, and we believe that these disappearances are connected to a medical research corporation. Some of our members have witnessed some of the “body smugglers” themselves.”
Then separate the 'This did sound familiar' onwards.
- Separate the dialogue from the Ash's thought. Then I suggest something like this:
So now the yuzuka are detectives? Ash thought smugly and asked, “What did you find?”
- You forgot the 'n' after 'ma' there.
- I think the 'Ishida...' there should be a thought.
- Mistake there. 'higher' should be 'hire'.
- Separate this from the dialogue that preceded this.
- 'now' should be 'know'. Or did you mean 'the details you need for now'?
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Overall, I'm not sure if I enjoyed this, but I did like it.
Anyway, I love the way you ended the chapter with that paragraph. It puts the piece in a relatable place and connects with the reader.
Lastly, I noticed the way you wrote seemingly first person sentences in third person like these:
It feels as if the narrator is an existing person in the story or something like that. It seems unusual for me, but not necessarily wrong. I personally think it'd be better if you rewrote them as thoughts, but it's up to you.
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Keep it up and never stop writing!
Wow I am speechless!!!

This is similar to the Darker than Black anime but this is in text but none the less good.. I am not comparing its just that whenever I read something like this I start to relate it with darker than black anyways this chapter was excellent! Nicely told and the narration was so descriptive and perfect! So this thing has got me curious you know and I am so waiting for the next chapter! Do update soon and except a few spelling mistakes most probably typos..there are no mistakes overall..
Good work! Nicely done
Pretty good man. The description was very vivid. I'm not one for mystery novels, but this was alright. The dialogue felt genuine, but I think it could use more work. Oh yeah, and I found this mistake here:
---------“Still, you don’t the Black Hand for something like this.” Ash said, testing him. The man’s mouth narrowed into a thin line.------------
There's a missing word.
oh yeah, "hire," I believe