Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
My life started to unravel when I was eighteen, ex-boyfriend and I had just broken up. For one reason he got me pregnant. Harry was angry at me for something that is not only my fault but also his.
I could not be happier when I found out I was going to be a mom. My parents were not happy at first but then my mother came round and accepted the baby. My first month I moved out of my parents house into a little apartment and got a job to help pay for me and my baby. I went to appointment after appointment to make sure my baby was healthy.
One day during my ninth month I went into labour for Zenia. A few hours later she was born a little on the small side but healthy. Zenia is now six months old and I am so happy that she is here I’m not filling in any void in my life. Zenia looks so much like Harry and that makes me cry sometimes. Zenia and I are fine with out Harry and I know one day she’s going to ask about her father and why we aren't together but she does not need to know about Harry right now. I know I should tell her but I’m going to wait until she’s older and understands the situation a little better. Harry never knew about the gender of our baby he only knew I was pregnant. Zenia may only be a few months old but her personality shows half of Harry’s and half of mine, Zenia is on the small side for the most part.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
I like the idea of this overall. It builds up some interesting ideas which could be added on to if you are going to add more to this story. I am interested into reading more like this.
I am going to go into a lot of more specific things you can change paragraph by paragraph in a little bit but I want to first tell you one thing that may need some improvement. This needs more detail. I want to know about what happened with ex boyfriend and the main character. I want to know more about the main character and her parents reactions to what happened. What did Harry look like and what does Zenia look like so you can compare what they look like to each other. I want to know things like that. There are a lot of really good ideas in here, it just needs more details. You do not need to add like ten more paragraphs in here maybe just a few more sentences with just a little bit more details. I can also see that you may try to keep things like why the boyfriend was angry at the main character hidden for now if you are planning on continuing this with more chapter and you want it to be explained later but you still want to hint to that their was a conflict between them early on.
Ok now it is time for the more nit picky part of my review which is more about grammar and word changes.
On paragraph one, I would suggest that their needs to be a "my" before "ex boyfriend". Also on the final sentence I think their needs to be an "also" or something like that added somewhere in that sentence because maybe it is just me but because it is shown that Harry is angry at you for a different reason that the pregnancy their needs to be something to distance the two reasons but maybe that is just me.
On paragraph 2, on the first sentence, I think "I could not be happier" should maybe be changed to "I could not have been happier". I just think it sounds better but that may just be me. Also I think that "round" should be "around" instead because I always thought the expression was came around but I may be wrong. Also I think that on the phrase "My first month" it should be changed to "on my first month" with a comma after it.
On to the third paragraph. There needs to be commas after both the phrases "One day during my ninth month" and "A few hours later".
Other than a few small errors and the need for more details, I think this is a pretty interesting story and if you are planning on writing more I will read it because I am honestly quite interested to what may happen next.
Have a great day.
There will be more small errors where because when I started writing this particular story I was in seventh grade
Hello, fellow writer!!!
Liz is here to help.
Sorry that sounded weird.
First things first: The summary thing.
The summary was not spelled correctly, there was a small error while spelling the word 'struggles'. you put like, and R or something.
Secondly: The first paragraph:
You need to be more specific, and talk about your ex-boyfriend, and why he would be mad at her, and blame her, because it was also his fault ((AHEM *Nudge nudge*)) as much as it is hers.
And lastly:
Is this is? Because if this what a whole story, I would gladly read it.
~Liz
There's more the ah summary thing is because I wrote it on my phone thought I typed G but tryped R instead
Oh okay