Published June 30, 2009
This is my CW piece for english coursework so I cant develop thsi section particularly, it has to stay shortish but any improvments othwr than lengthening would be great.
Also, can people please tell me where they thinks she steps to at the end?
XX
Nevada Falls
Moisture clings to my skin, drops washing feverishly across my forehead. On one side, there's the sheer cliff, black rock stretching upwards and outwards as far as I can see, on the other, the water pounds into a never ending void, gushing into black abyss. I know its there: the fall, the suffocation, the immense pressure of water crashing onto my fragile body, the snap of bones like dry twigs. I can imagine the grace of it, poised like an eagle, soaring into the dive.
Can't think of it. Thinking about it would make it real, and then I would fall. Right now, it's the most magical moment of my life: an image that only ever existed before in the dream-like surrealism of my wildest imaginations, but I can't escape the desperate reality of what could happen if I fall.
The cliff presses against my back. I can feel the weight of it, the sheets of ice and rock and sand that have compressed and contracted until now it's inevitable that someday they must implode.
Don't let that happen while I stand here. Don't let it happen now, please. Please. Because though I wish this vision would disappear, it's impossible to remain ignorant of the fact that I depend on it with my life. Nothing moves; only the predictable rise and fall of my chest, the sound of breathing on the edge of hyperventilating. And the intense pounding of my heart, flying as if it knows its beats are numbered and is determined to get a lifetimes blood through my system in a few short minutes. I can feel exhilaration and adrenaline coursing through me, cutting off my human senses, animal instincts taking over.
And suddenly, I want to jump. It's the thrill of the hunt: I'm an eagle waiting to dive, a cougar ready to pounce. Not a fragile teenager, hiding behind a shadow defence, waiting to die. But in reality? I'm not the predator. I'm the prey.
I've been standing here an hour or two, waiting for something to happen, for fate to notice my problem, and take care of it the easiest way possible, but I still haven't moved, haven't thought of a plan, haven't paused to consider my options or to curse whoever mapped my life out to end here. Its hell. Complete isolation, cut off from the universal connection between all things living.
There are tears down my face, shivers up my spine, thoughts through my head.
They say when you die your life flashes in front of your eyes; that you see things you didn't see the first time round, but I don't see it that way. My life is like a tree, every branch cutting off the way to a new choice, a new decision, a new road to take. And I know I've come to a dead end on this branch. I can feel it. But trees grow.
Nothing makes sense. I've come this far... I can't turn around and go back. Can I? I've worn this path of life out.
Through the shadows of the waterfall I could see vague outlines of the cliff face, a bird wings outstretched throwing itself into flight, a dark bristling pine tree, its roots driven into the rock so that it lived on the cliff face itself. Surviving, Enduring, Growing.
The ice stretches away in front of my eyes. And slowly, I step forward.
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140,645 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
I enjoyed that dude.
ALl i can say really is i felt it could have done with a bit of a better build up to her stepping forward. But I understand your limited to the amount of words.
Lol its already in a book of mine
Its called Look Left; ill post it soon.
X
This coursework was the best one in our class ella. You're incredible at writing! I know it had to be short for the cw but I think you should lengthen it... it would be a great beginning/end of a good book (:
xx
I liked what you wrote. You worked out the mood very well.
I do not know what you do not like about your CW or what you want to change.
There are a few things I noticed:
1.
I sort of got lost in this sentence. Perhaps you could decide on one thing the heart thinks/does. Leave either this "knows its beats are numbered" or this "determined to get a lifetimes blood through my system in a few short minutes" part of the sentence. The "and" disturbs me. If you want to leave it together then put a "it" between "and" and "is" that way it is easier to read (in my opinion).
2.
I do not really understand what this has to do with a hunt. I understand that you want to use this to describe the feeling she has on the cliff but the comparison to a hunt seems out of context.
3.
The semicolon I marked bold used to be a colon. I changed it because "a bird wings outstretched throwing itself into flight" describes a cliff face as I understood it and "a dark bristling pine tree" is something on the cliff. While "its roots driven into the rock so that it lived on the cliff face itself" describes the pine tree.
With the semicolon it becomes more obvious that you are not just listing the way the cliff faces look.
When I first read that sentence I thought that there were three different cliff faces:
1. the birds wings
2. the pine tree
3. its roots driven into the rock ?! - Not logical
About where she steps up until your second to last sentence I was sure that there was a abyss in front of her. But then you talked about ice in front of her. So I plainly have no idea where she steps.
I hope I could help.
Interesting.
The way your style flows is mysterious... but in a good way. It's a little difficult to follow at first, but it really emphasizes the "mood" of the story, in my opinion. Right?
The grammar could use some cleanup, but it's still very interesting.
In the end, I think the main character steps from one branch to another -- a new choice, another predicament, the tree of life, made up of decision after decision, choice after choice... but that's just me
Good work!
I really like this, the idea of a tree as life has been kind of worn out, another simile might be better, but apart from that it is good. The CWs can be up to 1500 words I think, so a lot of room for more length, but I don't think you need it. You could make your paragraphs a little defined, they seem to glide too smoothly, in a way that makes you unable to follow it properly. For this piece, as I am at this point doing it, the main idea is to show as many skills as possible, that means everything from metaphors to alliteration, so try to add more, cram it in to the point the examiner will have a heart attack! I love the idea behind it and the way you've written it but I think your only way to improve it would be a complete rewrite, not that it isn't great at the moment but I couldn't find any mistakes.
Maddy