Look, I want to sleep with you. Not to have sex. Just sleep. I want to feel your hands on my body pulling me closer to you, your hands around my waist, in my hands, on my neck, on my cheeks, I want to feel you breathing next to me, to gasp humble words at my ear. I want to wake up in the middle of the night and not feeling lonely anymore, I want to wake up in the morning and the first thing I get to see is your face. To see you sleeping next to me so I can tell you all the things I’m afraid to. I want to share with you my fears, all my doubts and insecurities, all my complexes. For me you were more than Home and I’m not even sure if that is possible. But I can’t share moments with someone who is never here. I’m tired of texting, thinking, expecting. It took me something to realise you are just an abandoned, empty Home. I find in you a lot of broken souls scattered by you, a lot of bitter mouths. Sometimes you are a burning house, flames bursting out of your chest. The thing is these flames reached me and they left holes in my skin, some pieces of my skin are still burning... some of them are still hurting.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
EllaMatache, are you an absolute genius or something? Because as I read this piece, I could not believe how well written and amazing it was.
This short story is written with skill and I could compliment you on everything a person could review about. This piece is undeniably beautiful. My only thought is, shouldn't this be written into a story? Shouldn't this character's tale be told through a novel? I would really enjoy reading that, and if you do take my suggestion and write a story based off of this, tag me so I can review it. I'm sure it'll be awesome.
Cheers,
wisegirl22
introworded here!
I want to start off by saying that this is absolutely beautiful. Even though this story was extremely brief, you did an amazing job creating and telling the story itself.
The way you described the person the narrator is longing for was incredibly in-depth and meaningful. I also want to compliment you on your use of imagery, particularly the part where you compared him/her to a burning house. You did an awesome job!
This short story had everything a short story should include. Despite the briefness, it told a story with a beginning and end, including a resolution.
I just noticed that this was posted a little while ago. Oh well. Never too late to review an amazing piece of literature.
Overall, nice job! I hope to read more form you!
Hello, Moalex here to review your work. I must say the feels is strong in this one. I'm sure that I'm not the only one that may think that this was written based on a previous relationship. Perhaps a family member? Ex-lover? Or an incredibly close friend. Not too much errors so I'm just going to nit-pick a few that I feel could use some changes. Feel free to change it or not, this is all just from another perspective.
"Not to have sex. Just sleep." I feel you could change the period between "sex" and "Just" to a comma. In a way they are connected. A period is used to end a a complete sentence that's a statement. I feel that the sentence I picked out is still connected to each other so a comma should do fine.
"I want to wake up in the middle of the night and not feeling lonely anymore." You don't need the 'ing' in feeling. I want to wake up in the middle of the night and not feel lonely anymore. Read the sentences out loud and see which one sounds more fluent.
You capitalized Home a lot in this. I understand it's to emphasize the word, but there are other ways to do it. Unless you're referring to a specific title or name?
Other than that, this kind of moved me. Lots of feelings and past in this story. Keep up the good work.
This was really powerful! Id also like to see more of a narrative side of this though, it shows you have amazing thoughts and I think you should stick at doing this
well done!
Hello Ella,
This is amazing given the length of it all. The language and the feelings it transmits is really well used. I would like to see this theme treated in a longer story just to see all your literary skills flourish. Really expecting to read something new.
Please keep on writing, you are great.
That is amazing, the last part almost gave me goosebumps. Congrats!
Wow, this is deep, but so true. I wish people would think like this, without jumping to sex, to really feel the emotion and love in this! You did a great job!
Wow, this is deep, but so true. I wish people would think like this, without jumping to sex, to really feel the emotion and love in this! You did a great job!