Young Writers Society

Hey Lizzy,

Overall I have to say that the poem is very clear and because of that, I appreciate it. The clarity of this poem allows the lyrical quality of your repetition to show off, and I think that's what you were going for in this poem.

You do have some things that you missed though, like [] words and [] things. This is the easiest example I can find for you. I think this is one of two instances. "The war could without you," The war could [what] without you? There's a direct object that you're missing there and I'm not exactly sure why you left it out. I feel like it's a rather obvious mistake, but one nevertheless. I think the other one was this "But had to be a hero, darling." because of "but [] had to be" because I think I wanted a subject in there. That one is quite a bit more optional than the first. The first really feels like it's missing something, the second, well, it could just be how she's talking. I think Vivian pointed them all out.

Moving on to the singing part of this, I found myself skipping the "hello [name], goodbye" part of those stanzas really fast. Like, I read it maybe 3 times and then had to drag myself through repeatedly reading it. I feel like you were going for a lyrical refrain sort of thing, but in order to do that, you need to have verses that have content and not just chorus all the way through. I feel like if you trimmed them down, or made the letters/telegrams? longer, just by a little bit, or more effective by saying other things, then your poem would have a little more interest.

If that's really not the point, then I don't feel like you need so many of them. You might be able to get away with the message by trimming these "hello/goodbye" stanzas down to just 3 of them and then go back into the story. I feel like that'll be a better use of your audiences attention because it'll give us the gist of the messages, and provide you with a normal life, climax, and falling action within the letters stories. The more you treat this like a telegram, with paying for every word, the better. Brevity is a poets best friend, so really play to that complexity of the sentence you have there, hello and goodbye together because all they have time for in their busy lives is that, and maybe a brief message.

I'd like to point something out about using "Uncle Ben" as well. Like, even if that is the actual name of an actual relative, there's a lot of deep connotation with the name. You might want to check this out: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncle_Ben%27s if you don't already know. Read the Marketing Origins. You might consider changing the name if you don't want to bring up racial issues in the poem regardless of if it is their real name or not.

I think the only other thing I have to say is here's an article on capitalization in poetry. I'd really like to see you explore all of your options with that. Capitalization in Poetry

I hope this gives you a different perspective on your poem and avenues to continue growing as a writer, because we can all grow, always.

Hey there!! Hope you know you did a good job. I really liked what you did here. I hope to see more from you in the future. I really felt what was going on through out it. Good luck with everything haha. Don't let anyone discourage you. Keep writing and keep being you.

*hugs*

Viv here, to happily give you your first review.
I wish I could help you remember the song, sadly I do not know it. However, I do know this is a good song/poem. So, here is my review. I'll start with cool feedback.
1."I don't quite remember, but I still remember tune" Change to '...but I still remember the tune'
2. "The war could without you but had to be a hero,darling" -->The war could have gone on without you/but you had to be a hero
3."What to have to be sad for?"-->What do you have to be sad for?
Now onward to warm feedback
So, once again, this is a nice song. I like it and the story it tells and it does give off the feeling of longing and sadness and love and the fear that goes with it. So great job, you brought tears to my eyes.
Viv, out.