What one will do for love

Every time I saw them my heart turned cold. I filled with wrath at just the mention of them. More to the point, I hated him. The girl, I loved the girl, but him? I hated him.

For what reason, you may ask? For taking her, for taking what was, no, is mine. He had everything already, all the money you could ask for. The house that was more like a mansion. He was cocky, and rude. Why she loved him, over me, her best friend, was beyond me. All I knew is that I had to do something. If I didn’t, I’d go mad watching them together, happy, while I drowned in my loss of her.

Tonight, I resolved, I would do something. What I was going to do, I was not sure. The details I had yet to work out the details, but I had to make her see that he wasn’t the one for her.

While I paced in my room, the dark walls seemed to close me in like a box, my heart beat like a wild sprit pounding to get out. My strides brought me to the window, and with fiery eyes I looked down at the cobblestone street. No! It couldn’t be! Was it? It was! Charlotte and Thomas, together. My blood boiled. It was then that I knew what I would do. I would rid of him forever.

I began to devise my plan. It would take place tonight. There was no moon, so it would be pitch black out. I wouldn’t do it when he was asleep. No, I wanted him to see me, his murderer. I would have to wake him. I relished the thought, and for the rest of the evening I was planning, and sharpening my knife, with giddiness. After he was dead, Charlotte would come back to me, and fall in love with me, of this I was sure.

At exactly half past eleven that night, I crept from my old, small house and out into the street. I navigated the quiet street like a mouse, not a singe noise came from me as I went to the home of my prey. Creeping up to the towering mansion, I let a smirk to curl over my lips. This was what I hade been waiting for. The gate creaked as I opened it slowly and I grimaced, just slipping through the smallest opening I could make. Not much further now! I was so close to victory.

The building was dark, the trees surrounding it giving it an eerie appearance. It was as if they moved on their own, crowding the mansion and stopping anyone from coming through the large, dungeon like doors. A shiver went down my spine, but I was going to go through with this. The door wasn’t locked. Oh! My luck is with me. The doors swung easily open as I walked inside.

The room he was in was easy to find. It was only the best for Mr. Thomas. Just as I thought, he was asleep as I pushed the door open. My careful planning was aiding me, and I was glad I had thought over every bloody detail.

I now stood by my victims bed, my hand on the knife I had taken from my boot. My eyes glinted, matching the silver blade in the dark. Relishing the moments of seeing him defenseless, I stared at him for a while before I chose to wake him. The cold blade I pressed against his cheek, the sharp point reaching my victims’ ear, my hand above his mouth.

The man awoke as soon as I did this, not doubt scared out of his wits. I chuckled lowly, the blade of my knife bringing a crimson line along his cheek.

“Goodbye, Thomas…” I whispered, before my knife slipped down, and in one quick motion, slit his throat.

Not even a squeak came from the man, or the room. But the fear in his cold, lifeless eyes aloud me to grin in victory. I had no idea that indeed, someone had seen my. This was not part of my plan. I didn’t even consider it! Why would I even know that Charlotte, my Charlotte, had seen me from the doorway?

I laid my knife upon the nightstand and with care, began to wrap the cold body up in the top blanket. I’d carry him out and burry him in it. It was stained from his fresh blood, after all.

Not hearing the footsteps behind me, no, I was too confident now, I continued my planned out murder. I only knew something was wrong when I looked to the nightstand. The knife! Where was it? I spun, confronted by Charlotte, her blue eyes leaking tears, the knife held in her trembling hands. I stepped towards her, opening my mouth to speak but before I could tell her my reason, she spoke.

“No Peter. You deserve to die.” She whispered. The words chilled me, and I stepped back. But alas, it was to late. Her small, delicate form sprung at me with such force I had not imagined she could have. The knife, poised in her hand, shoved into my chest and through my shallow heart. She was right that I deserved to die.

In my last, shaking breath while I lay upon the wooden floor, I whispered, “I love you, Charlotte.” My heart ceased to beat, and my eyes, with their last glimpse of Charlotte, were plunged into darkness.

Not long was I in this darkness before I awoke. I was confused. Where was I? Why was I in the same room I had been killed in? Horror filled me as the sight of my corpse, still on the floor. I looked so cold, so lifeless. But I was very alive, my mind was. My vision was sharp, but when I looked at myself, all I saw was fog. I was a ghost. I tried to walk, but found it felt more like floating.

Charlotte was there, by Thomas. I wished I could comfort her in flesh, but now I would be with her forever. I could protect her from others. And if she found another man to take my place, I would simply rid of him too.

Comments & reviews · 9
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PoetChan Review

You have a strong plot line going, but it's a bit hard to follow.
I think the beginning starts far too in media res. It reads a bit like a journal, though I realize it's mostly meant to be internal thought. The grammatical and spelling errors were there, but they didn't detract too much from the way the story was written.
I think the biggest problem is the way the thoughts change tone, really. At some points they sound frantic and scattered, like the thoughts of a teenager. At other points, they read like someone who is very stuffy and well-read. I think there might be either too many emotion shifts going on or it could be the use of specific words, like "alas". It sounds strange to have someone thinking in words like "alas" and "delicate" after they're complete thought was "The knife!" within the same paragraph.
Overall, it is a very good story, but I think it might be too abrupt. 8.5/10

Very well written. This is the first short story I have read here on YWS and I found it quite entertaining, but not at all horrifying. But I suppose that I am not easy to scare, smiles.

Please, continue to write. You have talent.

NHNT

User avatar
lili024
Review
lili024 wrote a review · Mon May 28, 2012 8:19 pm

My skin is tingling. You are a talented writer, Elizabeth. When I read this, I kept think of ' The Tall-tale Heart' by Edgar Allan Poe. You make us realize the hate he has for Thomas, but why? I know he took the girl away from him, but maybe you could include a seen that shows us how Thomas treats the narrator. Is he evil? That would give him one more reason to kill him. Is he nice? That would make the narrator even crazier.
You also made a couple of grammar/spelling mistakes:
" The details I had yet to work out the details," When you say 'details' twice, it sounds strange. Maybe you could say something like " I had yet to work out the details," or " The details, I had yet to work out,"
You said that he had to do something, and in the next paragraph you said he had resolved to do something. It sounds a bit repetitive. You could change the second 'do something' to 'finally do something', but that is your choice.
"not a singe noise" should be 'not a single noise'
'hade been waiting for' should be 'had been waiting for'
'The building was dark, the trees surrounding it giving it an eerie appearance' It isn't a good sentence. I don't really understand it. Maybe, you could change it a little, like this: 'The building was dark, and the trees surrounding it gave it an eerie appearance'
'Oh! My luck is with me.' Since you are writing it the past tense, you could write it as if it were his thoughts. "Oh, I thought, My luck is with me!"
'had seen my' should be ' had seen me.'
'speak but before' should be 'speak, but before'
'No Peter' should be 'No, Peter'

It was all very good. The only thing is the reason Charlotte killed him. I know she felt terrible he had killed her man, but wasn't she his best friend? Woudn't she do something else?
I hope this review helped. I'm not the best when it comes to reviewing, but I really hope I did this good.
~Lili <3

Thank you soo much! :) Well, I really don't feel like answering questions right now cause I am about to go somewhere, but I'll try to later :) And, yes, the review helped! :)

OH MY GOD LILI! I thought of "The Tell-Tale Heart," too!!! :)

Thank you all!
Sarebear: I'll fix those as soon as I have time! :)
Fantasy wolf: Thank you soo much! :)
W&W: Thanks sooo much! :)

Wow, that was so bone chilling and creepy. It was a really great horror story. The only mistake I noticed was that you put "my" when it should have been "me", in paragraph 11. I'm glad to finally find a complete story.
My rating of this would be about a 1o/1o.
Keep writing!

w&w

Random avatar
fantasywolf
Review

Hi, I'm here to review
I really like your story, it'll probably give me nightmares, but i still like it. I didn't really see any mistakes in your story, looks pretty clean.

I like your plot, it kept the story alive and I felt scared and sad for charlotte when her husband died.


Ya thats all!

User avatar
sarebear
Review

Hi Elizabeth!

Okay...so down to business. Frankly, I was shocked as I got into your story. The first paragraphs set me up for something totally different than what you threw at me. The informal tone of the beginning reminded me of a teenage girl, and so I assumed that this was going to be a story about a teenaged girl who is tired of seeing her best friend dating a guy who she is all too into. For example:

He was cocky, and rude. Why she loved him, over me, her best friend, was beyond me. All I knew is that I had to do something. If I didn’t, I’d go mad watching them together, happy, while I drowned in my loss of her.


The tone here honestly sounds exactly like a teenage girl (as it might, since I assume that you're writing from that perspective). But unless your intention is to jar the reader, this is a not the right intro. You want to hook the reader and start portraying the creepy tone that you continue with from the very beginning. Try to write a little more formally in the intro--a little less matter-of-fact, a little more mystical. This will help you to set the stage for the rest of your story. Because when you started talking about knives and murder, I was totally confused--it seemed very out of character for my mental picture of your MC.

On the other hand, I really like that your MC is not perfect. Perfect MC's are so boring, but yours feels all of the emotions that really make him plausible. That's good. I love your portrayal of Charlotte, of her eyes "leaking tears."

Now, before I go any further, I have a few nitpicks for you:

I filled with wrath at just the mention of them.
It would sound a little less awkward to say "I was filled with wrath".

while I drowned in my loss of her.
This wording strikes me as awkward. Could you rephrase it? I like your idea--just play with word order.

The details I had yet to work out the details,
I think you just didn't reread this--pick one or the other, don't say "the details" twice.

I would rid of him forever.
This phrasing is jarring. You could say "I would be rid of him forever" or "I would rid myself of him forever" instead.

I now stood by my victims bed
This should be "victim's".

the sharp point reaching my victims’ ear,
Same as above.

But the fear in his cold, lifeless eyes aloud me to grin in victory.
Should be "allowed".

I had no idea that indeed, someone had seen my.
Do you mean "me"?

I'm not sure I love the ending. The idea of the MC coming back as a ghost reads to me rather like the idea of the character waking up and realizing it was all a dream--contrived. If you're going to do it, it would be nice if you would really describe what it feels like to be a ghost, staying away from cliches.

Finally, about your story in general. The entire story, as far as I can tell, is told to the reader. As the reader, I would like a good deal more showing here. For example, instead of saying "The man awoke as soon as I did this, no doubt scared out of his wits" you could describe the man whose wild eyes rolled up at you, etc. to let the reader know that he was scared without actually telling. This is something that could be improved throughout your story, and if done well it suck the reader into the moment.

That said, I think you have a strong plotline here and believable characters. Your job now is just to clean up the narrative a bit and add some depth through descriptive language, through showing the reader what you want to say. Nice start!

Sarebear



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