Lady in the Jar

His assistants all thought that he had gone mad. They heard him talking when there was no one there. They heard many words, but the most important one was Vivien. It was the name of the only woman that the great wizard Tobias had ever loved.

Poor Tobias, they would murmur. Her death, it was too much for him. He’s gone quite daft.

Of course they were all wrong. Tobias was not mad, or daft, and was only slightly eccentric. But he was old, older than he would have liked to be. He was still a very tall, stately man, with a hawkish nose, and iron gray hair, that had once been black. His eyes were an intense forest green, and he had thick bushy eyebrows.

One of his peculiarities was that everywhere he went, he carried a jar with him. This occurrence happened only shortly after Vivien’s tragic death, the death that should have never happened.

It was a tall, elegant jar, a dark, blue, glass, vessel. Anyone could see that it held water. Anyone would have supposed it held much, much more. They noticed his delicate care of the jar, the way ( if they were not mistaken) that he seemed to bestow loving glances on the jar, his harshest features softening. He guarded the jar as if it were more precious than a star’s voice, or a phoenix’s tear.

None of his assistants ever knew. They would never understand his abominable act of love.

One day, Tobias knew. He simply knew that he was going to die. He rushed into his room on the eve of his death, with the jar.

He closed the door. Sat the jar on the table and lifted the lid. It was her. It was Vivien. It was the woman to whom he had given a most pitiful immortality.

Her face wavered in the water, then became clearer. She was as beautiful now as on the day when she had died. Her face bore none of the usual signs of time.

Her hair, a dark honey color fell in waves about her face. Her eyes were a deep blue, and her lips, full and symmetrical. He never could kiss those lips.

This night would not be like the others.

‘’I’m dying. ‘’ rasped Tobias. ‘’ I’m dying, my beautiful Vivien.’’

The face of Vivien gave look of some concern, but seemed mostly relieved.

‘’ Take me with you. Spill my continents upon the floor until I am nothing on this earth. Do what I asked years before, instead of condemning me to this lifeless life.’’

The water rippled as she shook her honey curls.

‘’ No!’’ shouted Tobias, ‘’ You are beautiful. You are forever.’’

‘’ I am as old as you, though I don’t look it, and I am unnatural. This should have never been.’’

‘’ I resurrected you! I gave you life.’’

‘’ You gave me your own selfish heart,’’ said Vivien, her blue eyes glaring at him, out of the water. ‘’ You didn’t care about me. You wanted me for yourself. I didn’t realize the kind of person you were. Don’t deny it!’’

‘’ Vivien!’’ cried Tobias.

Already Vivien had begun to feel a strength that she had never felt before. The jar jiggled until it crashed on the floor below.

Tobias collapsed in absolute shook, a look of horror permanently fixed on his face.

When the cleaning crew came into the room, they simply wondered why Tobias, in his last moments, should be careless with the jar that he had kept safe all those years.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
artybirdy
Review

This is a concept I have never read before! I applaud your originality. I loved the dialogues shared between Tobias and Vivian. Though there’s a sense of frustration and adamancy, there’s no denying that the feeling of love is underlined and hidden between the lines. Very well done!

However, I’d like to point out that the suspense and mystery is not maintained. Your readers know why the jar is dear to Tobias from the start and, thus, are not surprised when truth’s revealed in the end. This is because of your title. You should consider changing it to something less vague. For example, His Beloved Jar. This gives a hint to the reader, but doesn’t reveal anything until the end.

Moreover, the following sentences need the most work, so I’d suggest you to edit them.

“It was a tall, elegant jar, a dark, blue, glass [no comma here] vessel.”

You’re just listing the adjectives to describe the jar to us. Try something more indirect, like using metaphors.

“One day, Tobias knew.”

The natural flow, and the tone of the story, is changed all of a sudden. You should ease your readers into this transition. Instead of abruptly saying, “one day, he knew”, perhaps try something gentler. For example, “it was the night that no one could forget . . . .”

Overall, I loved your short story. It was certainly an enjoyable read.

Keep writing!

User avatar
zohali93
Review

wow that was really something.

I liked how you made it seem like he liked the jar and what his late wife told him. It was true although I think it would be better to let readers figure out that he his a bit selfish before getting her to say it. Getting readers to think that he is selfish would make it more a curious thing as to how the wife would react an say.

I think you could have added on as to how he did the whole jar thing. Show some more of his actions that protray selfishness because it mostly seems like he just loves her still and so her words seem harsh.


I like the way you described the way he looked and acted. I could really picture it in my head.
But I think it would be better if you jumped a small space between paragraphs to make it easier to follow. I kept loosing my place and it took me a while to find it again. Also it would make your work look neater. :)

The begining sentence was alright. It makes you wonder what's wrong with tobias. You mentioned that he had assistants. But for what? I really don't know much about Tobias and so don't know his characteristics.

Also I think it would be good if you added how his wife died.You don't have to of course. IT's just a suggestion.:)

I hope this helped.
-Zo

User avatar
octopi
Review
octopi wrote a review · Tue May 29, 2012 8:33 pm

This is a very cool short story! I love the concept, it seems like something I would write myself ;)
I can really feel the love Tobias portrays towards Vivian, and it made me sad when she didn't seem to give that love back, even though I understand her anger. You got me very connected to the characters in so little time, it is amazing.
keep writing!
~McKie



Some books should be tasted, some devoured, but only a few should be chewed and digested thoroughly.
— Francis Bacon