Kidnapped, pt. 2

Woah. Deep. But you probably could have extended it more; made us really experience the hardships the MC faced through instead of giving us a slightly summarized type of story...

"A horrible thought crossed my mind, "What if they kill me? What if I never see my family again?" I asked God to help me forgive them. And I did, I did forgive them. "

Forgive who? The kidnappers or the MC's family? And it's not necessary to keep thoughts in quotations, either.

"We suddenly stopped short, and the trunk opened, I saw we were in a wooded area."

I suggest you format it like this:

" We suddenly stopped short and the trunk opened; I saw that we were in a wooded area."

It just makes more sense to me...

"We arrived at a one story type house or something, and I went in, it was towards evening and they showed me a 'bed' that was actually fabric ontop of sticks."

The 'or something' was kind of unnecessary, even if it was how he felt like;in prose, it just sticks out, unfortunately, unless it's in dialogue.

The words kind of clamped themselves down really quick and I think it should be more like this:

"We arrived at a one-story type house and I went in. It was towards evening already. And they showed me to a 'bed' that was actually fabric on top of sticks."

" I awoke in the morning to someone hitting my jaw with the end of their gun, and being told to get up. I did, but I was standing on one foot, they told me to stand on both my feet, but that I could not do. "

Hm... How can the MC know JUST when he wakes up that the thing poking him was the end of a gun? Aren't people usually groggy when they first wake up, eyes all blurry and everything?

My interpretation of sorts ( if you please):

" I awoke in the morning to someone hitting me with...something. What was it? A...my eyes finally adjusted to the light and...I stared down the end of a gun. I was being told to get up. I did, but when I stood on one foot, they told me to stand on both my feet. That,though, I could not have done."


"And he again hit my jaw, but this time both sides of my jaw twice. I also started feeling the throbs of pain in my ankle again, yet it was hurting my whole leg."

This part was unrealistic. Wouldn't it look awkward if the kidnapper did that? Besides that, I think it would be better if written like this:

"And he again hit my jaw, but this time both sides of my jaw twice. I also started feeling the throbs of pain in my ankle again and evntually, it spread to through my whole leg."

" I lived this way for a half a year."

Unfair! I want to know more! That is what a common reader would have said about this. Can't you extend it, in any way? Give more life to the character's pain and let us know more about the character? Details, details! Are necessary to grab someone's attention.

"And at that time in my life, I could not talk any more, my jaw was shattered. They put me down  on  a gravel road one day, and sped off. Leaving me there, to die. I became unconscieous, there, on the side of the road...."

This part was very sad and very real to me but did not really give me any impact cause I DON'T REALLY FEEL ATTACHED TO THE CHARACTER! Yes, it is a curse...

Corrected:(Just spelling errors and punctuation errors)


"And at that time in my life, I could not talk anymore; my jaw was shattered. They put me down on a gravel road one day, and sped off. Leaving me there,...to die. I became unconscious, there, on the side of the road...."

But overall, I liked the story's message and general plot!!