z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


12+

Thank you, 5 (Chapter One: Moving In Day)

by ElizabethBlackfire


A/N: I've been thinking about posting this on Wattpad. Let me know if I should. If you want to leave a review, that would be really helpful! This is my first time showing other people my writing, so I'd love to know what you think! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

15 minutes out, the questions began. While I was staring out the car window, trying to catch a glimpse of the school I’d dreamed about for years, Mom dug out the tone she’d used when I first brought up auditioning “Are you absolutely sure about this, Becca? It’s never too late to turn back” I reluctantly tore my eyes away from the trees lining the road. “Like I told you the last 20 times, Mom, I’m sure.” I returned my gaze to the window as if I could make the school appear by sheer force of will.

After a few agonizing minutes, filled with far too many questions and second-guessing from the parents’ side, the wrought-iron gates emerged from the trees. The butterflies in my stomach started flying double time. The gates creaked open as we got closer, and Dad drove onto the circular gravel path leading up to the front office. When the car pulled up to the steps leading up to the building, I hopped out, a spring in my step. As Mom and Dad unloaded my suitcases from the back of the rental car, I bounced excitedly on my toes. I grabbed a suitcase and pulled it, thudding, up the stairs. I pushed open the door with my free hand and emerged into a crowded office.

Two teenagers in navy blazers, white shirts and red ties sat behind a makeshift desk, one of them spotted me and waved me over. When I approached the table, the one who’d waved me over glanced down at her clipboard “Last name?” “Um, Lane” She ran her finger down the page “Found you. Ok, it looks like you are in Carter Hall. You can head there now and unpack while your parents sort out some final details and they will meet you in front for the tour. So, to get to your dorm, head straight out these doors, turn left and you’ll see a row of really tall brick buildings. Carter Hall is gonna be the third one from the right, it’s got the comedy and tragedy masks above the door, there’s a pride flag hanging in the window, and there’s usually show tunes seeping through the walls. You can’t miss it” “Ok” Mom seemed a little overwhelmed, but I steered her and Dad towards the door before she could say anything embarrassing.

When we emerged through the double doors and walked out onto what the map on the called the quad, I was rendered speechless. The patch of grass was bisected by a path, starting at my feet, and leading to a brick building covered in ivy. On either side, tall brick buildings were lined up like soldiers waiting for inspection. I turned left and practically skipped down the tree-lined path until I made it to Carter Hall, my luggage forgotten. Staring up at the three-story building that would become my home for the next seven years, the reality of this dramatic change I was making finally set in. While I was gazing up in wonder, my parents were dragging the suitcases over from where I’d left them near the doors to the front office. Snapping back to reality, I dashed up the gravel path to help.

While I was trying to figure out the intricacies of pushing three suitcases at once, a girl in the same uniform that the teens in the office were wearing rushed down the flight of stairs leading up to the door and down the path. “You must be Becca! I’m Sarah. I’ll be your tour guide/big sister. I’m here to help you adjust to life at boarding school. Let me help you with that.” She eased one of the suitcases out of my hands and fell into step with me. “Since you’re in Carter Hall, I’ll assume you’re in the theater department. Me too!” Her character shoes clicked lightly against the gravel path. When we reached the steps leading up to the entrance, she spun around and noticed my parents. “Oh, hi! I’m Sarah. You must be Becca’s parents.” She extended a hand to each of my parents in turn. They were cordial but seemed to be a little overwhelmed. Despite the urge to bolt up the stairs, I paused just in front of the staircase. “Go on ahead, Becca” Dad said, gesturing up the stairs “We’ll grab the suitcases” I dashed up the stairs and opened the double doors of the brownstone-looking building.

The room inside was filled with kids, some in uniform, some not. Most were lugging suitcases up a flight of stairs that took up most of the room. Sarah directed me up the stairs “Let’s go find your dorm room. The first years are up in 3C.” The walls lining the stairs were plastered with musical posters from every era. As we walked, Sarah turned on full tour guide mode “Carter Hall has been the dorm for the theater department since the school was founded. Generations of greats have lived here.” We arrived on the third floor, and I saw three red doors labeled 3A, 3B and 3C. Sarah pushed open the last door and a warm living room greeted me as I stepped inside my new home.

Sarah pulled her phone out from the pocket of her plaid skirt “Ok. Lemme give you a quick tour. This is the common room, where you can hang out, watch TV, and do your homework. Then, here” She pointed down a hallway to our left “Is the boys’ hallway. At night, your dorm supervisor, Mr. Miranda, you’ll meet him later, will lock the doors between the halls” She lowered her voice to a whisper “But, between the two of us, all you need to pick the lock is a bobby pin.”

Before I could respond, she strutted off down what I had to assume was the girls’ hallway and I quickly followed her. She knocked gently on the first door on the right and pushed it open, reveling a narrow room with two twin beds lined up against the walls. A stained wood dresser sat under the window overlooking the tree-scattered quad. A girl around my age with straightened black hair falling around her face was unloading clothes from a suitcase on the bed to the right. On the sound of the door opening, she spun around. “Hi! You must be Becca! I’m Faith! I’m so happy that we’re roommates! I’ve wanted to go to this school since I was 8!” “Hi!” I tried to match her energy “Me too! You’re in theater, right?” Before Faith could reply, Sarah cut in. “Yep! All the first-year theater kids are in this hall.” She turned to me “I’ll leave you two to get settled. I’ll meet you in front of the building in an hour.” She spun on her heel, as if to leave, then changed her mind “Oh, and Becca, your luggage is in the common room.” I followed her out and, sure enough, my baggage lay in a pile in the middle of the living room. I grabbed the two on top and spun around, nearly whacking into my new roommate. “Oops, sorry.” I pulled the suitcases through the too-narrow door and onto the bed on the left. I noticed a closet next to the door, already half-filled with dresses. I unzipped the first suitcase and started unloading the clothes into the dresser drawers. Faith and I worked in comfortable silence until I got to the third suitcase. I flipped the top off and the Hamilton logo stared back at me. I spun around, the poster in my hands “Should I hang this? I don’t know if there’s much wall space.” “I was just wondering where to hang mine! Maybe the ceiling?” She gestured to a pile of posters near her pillow. I hopped up on the bed and, with the tape my parents had insisted I bring, we hung the posters until the whole ceiling was a collage of musicals. 


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
227 Reviews

Points: 32606
Reviews: 227

Donate
Mon Oct 09, 2023 7:32 pm
View Likes
NadyaStatham wrote a review...



Trick or Write, curious mind!



Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this eerie story. 🤡!

Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my haunting magic! 🎃

The up-to-no-good Stuff:

First of all, let's talk about the fang-tastic parts that are really witch-approved!

This is a very nice concept and I would certainly recommend you to continue if that is your wish, of course. I love theatre, so I am curious to see what you will do with the story. You have chosen very specific names for your characters, I love them. The tension and excitement are both in the story. Can you please tag me when you do part two.

Trick or Write:🎭

I think your title is a bit misleading, I am not sure what it means. Whether it is a thank you for the opportunity to go to drama school or not. You might want to explain that.

~~~

This last chapter can be split into two or three little paragraphs to make it clearer and easier readable or else it just seems like a chunk of words.

E.g.
Before
Before I could respond, she strutted off down what I had to assume was the girls’ hallway and I quickly followed her. She knocked gently on the first door on the right and pushed it open, reveling a narrow room with two twin beds lined up against the walls. A stained wood dresser sat under the window overlooking the tree-scattered quad. A girl around my age with straightened black hair falling around her face was unloading clothes from a suitcase on the bed to the right. On the sound of the door opening, she spun around. “Hi! You must be Becca! I’m Faith! I’m so happy that we’re roommates! I’ve wanted to go to this school since I was 8!” “Hi!” I tried to match her energy “Me too! You’re in theater, right?” Before Faith could reply, Sarah cut in. “Yep! All the first-year theater kids are in this hall.” She turned to me “I’ll leave you two to get settled. I’ll meet you in front of the building in an hour.” She spun on her heel, as if to leave, then changed her mind “Oh, and Becca, your luggage is in the common room.” I followed her out and, sure enough, my baggage lay in a pile in the middle of the living room. I grabbed the two on top and spun around, nearly whacking into my new roommate. “Oops, sorry.” I pulled the suitcases through the too-narrow door and onto the bed on the left. I noticed a closet next to the door, already half-filled with dresses. I unzipped the first suitcase and started unloading the clothes into the dresser drawers. Faith and I worked in comfortable silence until I got to the third suitcase. I flipped the top off and the Hamilton logo stared back at me. I spun around, the poster in my hands “Should I hang this? I don’t know if there’s much wall space.” “I was just wondering where to hang mine! Maybe the ceiling?” She gestured to a pile of posters near her pillow. I hopped up on the bed and, with the tape my parents had insisted I bring, we hung the posters until the whole ceiling was a collage of musicals.


After
Before I could respond, she strutted off down what I had to assume was the girls’ hallway and I quickly followed her. She knocked gently on the first door on the right and pushed it open, revealing >> typo a narrow room with two twin beds lined up against the walls. A stained wood dresser sat under the window overlooking the tree-scattered quad.

A girl around my age with straightened black hair falling around her face was unloading clothes from a suitcase on the bed to the right. On the sound of the door opening, she spun around. “Hi! You must be Becca! I’m Faith! I’m so happy that we’re roommates! I’ve wanted to go to this school since I was 8!” “Hi!” I tried to match her energy “Me too! You’re in theater, right?” Before Faith could reply, Sarah cut in. “Yep! All the first-year theater kids are in this hall.” She turned to me “I’ll leave you two to get settled. I’ll meet you in front of the building in an hour.” She spun on her heel, as if to leave, then changed her mind “Oh, and Becca, your luggage is in the common room.”

I followed her out and, sure enough, my baggage lay in a pile in the middle of the living room. I grabbed the two on top and spun around, nearly whacking into my new roommate. “Oops, sorry.” I pulled the suitcases through the too-narrow door and onto the bed on the left. I noticed a closet next to the door, already half-filled with dresses. I unzipped the first suitcase and started unloading the clothes into the dresser drawers. Faith and I worked in comfortable silence until I got to the third suitcase.

I flipped the top off and the Hamilton logo stared back at me. I spun around, the poster in my hands “Should I hang this? I don’t know if there’s much wall space.” “I was just wondering where to hang mine! Maybe the ceiling?” She gestured to a pile of posters near her pillow. I hopped up on the bed and, with the tape my parents had insisted I bring, we hung the posters until the whole ceiling was a collage of musicals.


~~~

I would also suggest that you make Becca's thoughts cursive. It makes the story easier to follow.

~~~

Over here I got confused and last track over where Becca was supposed to be. All the directions really confused me.

After reading it two or three times, I understood where it was and was able to make a picture for myself, but I think if you read it again you can make a bit more sense of it.

I am not saying it is bad, just a suggestion to help you.

Two teenagers in navy blazers, white shirts and red ties sat behind a makeshift desk, one of them spotted me and waved me over. When I approached the table, the one who’d waved me over glanced down at her clipboard “Last name?” “Um, Lane” She ran her finger down the page “Found you. Ok, it looks like you are in Carter Hall. You can head there now and unpack while your parents sort out some final details and they will meet you in front for the tour. So, to get to your dorm, head straight out these doors, turn left and you’ll see a row of really tall brick buildings. Carter Hall is gonna be the third one from the right, it’s got the comedy and tragedy masks above the door, there’s a pride flag hanging in the window, and there’s usually show tunes seeping through the walls. You can’t miss it” “Ok” Mom seemed a little overwhelmed, but I steered her and Dad towards the door before she could say anything embarrassing.


~~~

Your sentence structure here does not flow very well, you should reread it and check it again.

When we emerged through the double doors and walked out onto what the map on the called the quad, I was rendered speechless.


e.g.
When we emerged through the double doors into what the map called the Quad, I was rendered speechless.


Spooktastic!👻

This is funny. The way you played with your dialogue is very nice. Fantastic! I'm already a fan of Sarah.

Sarah pulled her phone out from the pocket of her plaid skirt “Ok. Lemme give you a quick tour. This is the common room, where you can hang out, watch TV, and do your homework. Then, here” She pointed down a hallway to our left “Is the boys’ hallway. At night, your dorm supervisor, Mr. Miranda, you’ll meet him later, will lock the doors between the halls” She lowered her voice to a whisper “But, between the two of us, all you need to pick the lock is a bobby pin.”


~~~

I would suggest that you try to expand your chapters a bit. You have the potential to not hold back and go a little bit longer. If that is what you want, it is just a suggestion.

Overall scream-worthy:

This is the start of something great. I am very excited to see where you take things next. You have created some great characters along with some great dialogue and an amazing concept. If I've been a little picky in my review, don't be discouraged. These are just improvements I am pointing out that you can learn from and grow from. I have to admit that this is a very good story for a newbie. Waiting for chapter two…

Be sure to Check or Treat out…📔🦇

Under the Sycamore by @looseleaf

This is a short story in which the author manages to combine a beautiful story with some nice descriptions, providing clarity on issues and making it an enjoyable read.

Have a boo-tiful day or night further! Keep writing! You are spook-takular!

Image




ElizabethBlackfire says...


Thank you so much for your feedback. I realize that some of the paragraphs were a little wordy and I'm working on it for the next chapter. I think I'll drop it sometime today, and you'll get a lot more Sarah!



User avatar
27 Reviews

Points: 555
Reviews: 27

Donate
Mon Oct 09, 2023 5:40 pm
spottedpebble wrote a review...



[center]Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

This is spottedpebble with a review! I love the name and am excited to read more to see where it comes from in the story. :3

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This is a story about someone named Becca Lane. She is going to a boarding school for the next seven years and takes up residence in Carter Hall. Carter Hall is the place where the people in the theatre department live. Her roommate is named Faith and they get along well. Becca's parents aren't so sure about Becca suddenly going to this school, but Becca is sure she'll love it.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
I noticed that you did not start a new paragraph every time another character starts to speak. I believe it should be formatted something more like what I have but below to make it easier to read, but you don't have to listen to me if my advice doesn't go along with what you have in your head for this story. --- |
V

“Hi! You must be Becca! I’m Faith! I’m so happy that we’re roommates! I’ve wanted to go to this school since I was 8!”

“Hi!” I tried to match her energy “Me too! You’re in theater, right?”

Before Faith could reply, Sarah cut in. “Yep! All the first-year theater kids are in this hall.” She turned to me “I’ll leave you two to get settled. I’ll meet you in front of the building in an hour.”


Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
I think the story is really good! You've got some amazing content in this and I enjoy the way the characters interact with each other. Your dialogue is great and so are your descriptions. I especially love this line:

The butterflies in my stomach started flying double time.


I've never read anything like that in a story before! So creative!

I also love the part where Becca and her new roommate Faith start putting their posters up on the ceiling. XD

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
I enjoyed reading this story because it was easy to understand, but not so simple it was annoying. I could picture the characters and what they were doing. The dialogue sounded real, not forced, and you included an interesting setting. You did a good job on this literary work and I look forward to reading more from you. :)

P.S. You're so brave to share your work for the first time! Everyone on here is so nice, so you shouldn't have any fear in sharing your writing.




ElizabethBlackfire says...


Oh my gosh!!! Thank you so much for reviewing this story!! This made my day!! I'll try to format it better next time! Should I put out the next chapter? I have it ready to submit. I'd love to chat with you sometime or read some of your works, you sound awesome!!



spottedpebble says...


Yes put out the next chapter! I need to read it!! Also, thanks, if you're anything like your writing, then you're awesome too. ^v^




Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief