Night of Dragons

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Neyai was only half-awake when the shaking stopped, but already she could smell the smoke clogging the air and hear the screams coming through her window. She tried to see through the darkness. “Mother! Aba!” she whimpered.

No one answered.

She threw her blanket off and coughed. The room was clouding up too much, becoming more of a death pit every second. The fire outside flickered eerily against the cracked walls of the nearby houses. It was much too close to her window to be safe. 

Dropping to the ground, away from the suffocating smoke, she began to crawl. She needed to find a way out of the house as fast as she could. The dirt floor was wet with dew, but she huddled as close as she could. Anything closer to fresh air.

The light guided her way, even through the killing mist. The shadows of chairs and beds revealed no humanoid forms. She was too busy saving herself to dwell on that fact too much.

Crack! Neyai screamed. The air filled with dirt, and parts of the roof fell around her. She couldn’t breathe. Ignoring caution, she jumped up, and dashed through the house. She knew where to go, even in the dark.

When she finally reached the doorway, she took a deep breath. Even this awful air was better than indoors. She turned around. The roof above her bedroom had fallen in. She had come much too close to death.

As she looked around, she realized what had caused the disaster. Up in the sky, trails of golden fire trailed behind dark masses. Dragons, the dead legends. In the dark, it was clear there were at least five of the creatures. Even outside the house, the danger only increased.

Many passed her by. Old men, women with little children. All were running, in seemingly random directions. Some were escaping into the gardens. Others were running to the town cellars. A few seemed to be running in circles.

Nayei found herself stumbling along. At one point, she woke on the ground, never realizing she had gone to sleep. It all seemed like a terrible dream. And yet, she could hear the screech of the beasts, and the cries of her people. She felt herself fading, wishing to die.

She was close to the inner city by now. The stone ruins. At least a little shelter from the beasts, the fire. It was as good a place to die as any. She crawled through a low opening, and closed her eyes. If the dragons saw her in this place, she had nowhere to hid, and yet, she didn’t care. She had already been up half the night, and didn’t want to think about anything that had happened.

Even so, the night would not leave her be. She was too numb to be afraid, and yet she knew she needed to continue, to find her family, wherever they had gone. But all she could think was that if they were still alive, if they had left her, alone, where could they be now?

She started to cry, a small sound among many.

And then she heard a voice whisper. “Are you okay?”

She opened her eyes. In front of her was a little boy holding a still smaller girl, huddled away from the light of the window. She frowned. “Do you think so?”

The boy gave a weary smile. “That wasn’t the best way to phrase it, was it?”

She nodded in agreement. As she looked closer, she realized how truly young they were. The boy couldn’t have been more than seven years old. She tried to smile. Being cross at such a time wouldn’t help. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “You can come farther in. I don’t think the dragons can hurt us in here.” She felt her courage coming back, now that there were others around, others that were weaker than she was.

“Thank you,” the boy replied. “How long have you been in here?” he asked after shuffling over with the girl in his lap.

She looked through the window at the moon still shining brightly even though all the smoke. “About an hour, I think. The dragons seem to know they can’t do any damage to these buildings.”

“I suppose so.” The boy looked around. “It’s pretty dark in here, isn’t it?”

Nayei nodded. “And cold. Which is surely a benefit considering what’s happening outside.” She looked out. They both knew what the fire brought.

One of the dragons was near enough to see clearly. It was amazing how small it was, compared to its mighty wings. And yet, its body was large enough to kill with one breath. It was closer than she would like.

She turned back toward the boy. “I think there’s a basement. We should probably go,” she suggested. “Just in case.” She stood up.

The boy shook his head. “I can’t,” he said. “I don’t think I could climb the stairs. It took a lot out of me to even get here.” He gestured toward his leg, and for the first time, she realized, she saw how strangely it was twisted and shriveled up.

“Oh,” she said after a moment, and awkwardly sat back down. “We can stay here than.”

The next few hours, none of them talked. The little girl seemed to have fallen asleep in the boy’s arms after a while, but the boy and she only stared blankly out the opening. They didn’t see anyone moving now, though there were a few charred bodies lying on the ground. The dragons were high in the air, screaming loud, piercing cries. Monsters of the truest sort.

Nayei could feel herself wanting to sleep, to forget this. She closed her eyes partly. And to the boy, she must had looked like she was asleep, or else he wouldn’t had done what he did at that moment.

He stared at her for a moment, and then took a deep breath. A faint dark blue glow escaped out of the boy’s hands. Energy hot enough to see, hotter than even the energy that escaped from the dragons. He turned toward the opening.

She could feel the heat, and wished more than anything she could leave. But she was too scared. What the boy was doing was illegal, and even in such a time as this she could not forget. Mother had often told her how dangerous it was for even her to try to learn it. No child could truly control it.

Of course, Mother was dead, and this power could keep her safe from the dragons. If he could contain it and not let it ran wild.

Some of the energy seeped down to surround his leg, cushioning it and allowing him to walk over to the opening. He focused on the energy more, and it began to glow even brighter, until it was almost a pure white.

She heard one of the dragons screech, far above, as it noticed the light. She sat there as she saw the others fly together, their awful wings beating in unison. She felt paralyzed with fear.

Then the fear became panic and she screamed. “Don’t!”

The boy turned around, startled. “Wha-“

Only she noticed as the first dragon approached him, its mouth open. In a second as long as a millennium, she saw the fire burst out.

She felt the heat, and closed her, curling into a ball next to the girl. They both screamed.

 But it was too late for the boy. “Run!” he screamed as the fire engulfed him.

Almost robotically, she lifted the little girl into her arms and rushed to the back. She scrambled around the rubble. She looked back briefly, and saw the dragons still circling around the boy, but ignored it. Her clothes fluttered in the wind, and she could still hear the dragons, but she never stopped. The child wrapped herself around her neck, and held on as they fled.

They could hear the crackling of the fire, the screams from within. But she did the only thing she could and ran. She felt nothing, saw only the smoke and the tears it produced. Every so often, she thought she could hear a shout for help, or even the creatures still surrounding the house. But their work was done already. The fires would finish it.

The streets had become unfamiliar, a stranger to her. Crumbled houses strewed the roads, but she rushed around them as the child wept. Once or twice, she found a dead end, but for the most part, they were free to go. The creatures were done.

At some point during the night, they reached the end of the city, though she didn’t know when. She was too weary, she realized after a while. The sun was almost up, and all she wished for was rest. She finally put the child down. “Do not worry,” she said through a parched throat. “I’ll protect you.” The child didn’t respond, only stared at her mutely.

She sat down and stared blankly at the sunrise. Everyone she knew was dead. Mother, Father, her brother, her neighbors. And the boy who had tried to destroy the dragons, and only ended up killing himself. We have become weak, she thought. It was too easy for them to hunt us. And it was true. She and the little girl had survived only through luck, and even then they were hurt. For the first time, she could feel the burns on her face and arms.

Half asleep, she wondered if they were the last two people in the world. “It would be a very lonely world,” she muttered. “Though I suppose we could make do before we die.” She tried to keep her eyes opened, to watch the girl who was already snoring in her sleep. This was not the time to be tired. The beasts could return at any time.

She couldn’t think or see straight, though. For a moment, it looked like there was a human shadow in the distance. But everyone’s dead, she thought. And when day arrives, we’ll find a new people, the girl and I. Repopulated by the gods of old. She just needed to stay awake.

What seemed only a moment later, she found herself awaking to a gentle hand shaking her shoulder. She looked up. “Yes?” she muttered at the shadows of two strange men.

They didn’t reply. One only lifted her up as the other lifted up the girl, and began to walk away.

She couldn’t get herself to care. Whoever they were, she thought before she blacked out, they were better than the dragons.

When Nayei awoke, she recognized where she lay as one of the many caves in the cliffs. There were about twenty others, scatter about and quietly talking. Not of what had happened; that was much too recent, if in fact it was even in the past. No, they talked instead of memories. Of far off places, strange lands, not the familiar that was now forever gone.

She tried to concentrate. They all smelled of smoke and sweat, but she didn’t mind. She felt safe for the first time all night. Or day, she supposed.

One of the women noticed she was awake, and smiled as she walked over to her. “Hello, dear. My name is Ainee. You and your sister are safe now. You had a fever when we found you, but it looks like you’re doing better now. Your burns are healed. You’re a little weak for the moment, but some food should cure that. There’s a few out gathering, but they should be back soon. Just rest for now.

She nodded weakly. “But what about the dragons?” she asked. “Are they gone now?”

Ainee stared at her blankly. “Child, what are you talking about?”

“But the fire-“

Ainee shook her head. “Fires happen naturally. Even large ones. The earthquake broke one of the major pipes, and lightning ignited the gas.

“But there were dragons. And people screaming. I met a boy and girl, but the boy tried to use magic and died. and-“ She looked over. “I think she’s his sister.”

Ainee gave a smile, but even as weary as Neyei was, it seemed fake, as if her eyes were not a part of it. “I’m sorry. This must be very confusing for you. Just sleep some more. You’ll be more awake afterwards.”

“No,” she shrieked. “I need to find my family. They’re still down there. We need to get them.”

“I’m sorry,” Ainee, “but there’s nothing we can do. If they’re still down there, they will be dead, and if they escaped, we wouldn’t know where to look.” She stood up and left her side quietly.

She nodded and looked out after she left. From where she sat, she could see there were still small fires in the distance, though most of the main ones had gone out. But that was all there were. The plants had turned black and small. Even from this distance, she could see the bodies. Human bodies. Littered everywhere. The lucky ones had been burned completely, but there were still some that could be recognized as human.

Including, she realized, the boy’s. The stone buildings had been built on a hill, and were the easiest part to see. The house she had sneaked inside was in plain sight in this direction. The boy had somehow gotten outside of the house before he died. He hadn’t gotten far, though.  She could imagine his eyes, black and fearful, looking where she fled.

She closed her eyes. How could this had happened?  She felt tears running down her face. She felt completely alone.

It was only when she opened her eyes again that she saw it. Only a shadow in the clouds, off in the distance. But if she concentrated, it almost looked like a dragon.

 

Comments & reviews · 6
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User avatar
abelgaiya
Review

Loved the story. Especially the part where Ainee thinks the fires were caused by the earthquake. It got me thinking "Is Neyai crazy, or does Ainee not know what's really happening".

The end is really creative. Telling us that it's not over. And assuring us that Ainee is wrong, and that Neyai isn't crazy (as I thought she was).
I was glad the boy didn't die...yet.
Also, the boy could have been a little older.

Correction: "How could this HAD happened" should be "How could this have happened"

Great story!

User avatar
Twit
Review
Twit wrote a review · Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:38 pm

Hi Eliza!


Dropping to the ground, away from the suffocating smoke, she began to crawl.

“The ground” makes it sound like the ground outside. I thought she’d gone out the window at first. Maybe say “floor” instead?


Crack! Neyai screamed. The air filled with dirt, and parts of the roof fell around her.

I’m not in favour of writing out sounds with onomatopoeia like this, but it’s a personal style thing, I guess. However, the way this is formatted makes it look like Neyai is screaming “crack”; you have her action so soon after the sound that it looks like a tag.


When she finally reached the doorway, she took a deep breath. Even this awful air was better than indoors. She turned around. The roof above her bedroom had fallen in. She had come much too close to death.

I noticed that a lot of your sentences, like in this section here, are very short, and it comes off as rather abrupt and choppy. You don’t have a very good flow because it keeps on getting pulled up with the end of each sentence. Try and mix up your sentence lengths so there’s more variety. Choppy sentences also give the narrative a very disjointed feel, which makes it seem rather emotionless. Like in the last sentence; I didn’t get a real sense of Neyai’s panic, just the bald statement.


Nayei found herself stumbling along. At one point, she woke on the ground, never realizing she had gone to sleep.

Everything’s tumbling down around her and she goes to sleep? That seems rather odd. Fainting I could understand, but falling asleep is a wee bit weird.


She felt herself fading, wishing to die.

Times of crisis can be incredibly revealing of a person’s character. We all react in different ways to danger and fear, so it’s important that these reactions are sound. Neyai wishes to die, but this is a very extreme reaction, and there’s been no hints about it before now. Why does she want to die? Up until now she’s seemed very anxious to live. Why want to die? Doesn’t she want to try and find her family, to get to safety, to find out what’s really happening? I don’t understand why she suddenly wants to kick the bucket.


The boy gave a weary smile. “That wasn’t the best way to phrase it, was it?”

Given that he’s only seven, this is a very adult thing to say.



When Nayei awoke, she recognized where she lay as one of the many caves in the cliffs. There were about twenty others, scatter about and quietly talking.

You introduce the caves as the subject of the first sentence, then say “they” in the second, so it sounds like you mean “they” as the caves, not the people.


---

Hi!

This is an interesting set-up here, with the presence of the dragons and only Nayei realising their existence. It’ll be cool to see how that plays out.

However, one of the major points in this is about how everybody’s dead, and so far I don’t really care about anybody. Nayei’s family are dead and she feels sad about that, but I never saw her family. There was no scene where we got to know them, we never saw them or heard them or saw them interact with Nayei so we would appreciate their relationship. As such, the body count doesn’t really affect me, even though it should. The opening is very dramatic and a good hook, but I feel like this would benefit from beginning earlier on so we can see her family so their deaths will be more tragic. If we can see more of Neyei’s life and home, we’ll be far more sympathetic towards her when it’s all taken away.

Overall, I think the main things to work on are emotion and sentences. Emotion about her family and overall situation so we can really feel her grief along with her. Mixing up your sentence length so there’s more variety in your prose will help improve the flow of the narrative and just help it run smoother. ^_^

PM or Wall me if you have any questions! :D

-twit

User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review · Thu Jul 12, 2012 10:22 am

Hi! Here I am to review :)

Specifics

1. Title. Alright so the title is a little ordinary which isn't bad in itself because plenty of people will be drawn in by just the mtnion of dragons. It is awkwardly phrased though. I'm sure you've missed 'the' out because you want it to be short and snappy, but perhaps go for something like 'Dragonnight' or 'Dragonight' 'Dragon Night' instead in that case?

2.

The light guided her way, even through the killing mist.
Which light? The light of the fire or the light of the moon? It helps to be specific so we can really picture what's going on here.

3. You use the phrase 'too close' quite a lot! Even after just a few paragraphs, it's starting to really stand out as repetetive. There are plenty of places you could avoid it and here's an example of how. You have: 'She had come much too close to death.' Instead this could be, 'Death had held her for a second' or 'Death had almost had her but Nayei was a survivor'. These are just quick examples of course, but the personification would add a little intrigue to the piece.

4.
Up in the sky, trails of golden fire trailed behind dark masses. Dragons, the dead legends.
The repeat of trailed after trails is very distracting. Try replacing trails with streamers or trailed with snaked.

5. Show us the passage of time more. You say she slept for a little while, is it still night? Is it nearing dawn? Has the moon gone down and the sun comes up? Giving us these details will make this seem more real for us and will help us to understand how long she'd been running for and how exhausted she must feel.

6.
“You can come farther further in.


7. What's the young girl doing? Is she crying, staring at them silently? Generall small children are not good at staying quiet so I'd like at least a description confirming that she is so that I know how to imagine her. I'm not sure yet if she's a babe in arms or more in the region of four or five.

8.
“I don’t think I could climb the stairs. It took a lot out of me to even get here.”
This strikes me as a strange way for a seven year old to speak. He's too eloquent and it's difficult to imagine a boy of ten saying this so try to write in a slightly younger voice. He can still be exceptionally brave and wise for his years, but this is one step too far. Perhaps have him say something like: 'I don't think I could climb the stairs. It hurts.'

9.
“Oh,” she said after a moment, and awkwardly sat back down. “We can stay here than then.”


10. If she has her eyes closed, how does she know what the boy is doing? Describe this from her point of view. Instead of going into third person, describe how she closes her eyes and is almost asleep when she feels the heat and is afraid a dragon has found them. So her eyes fly open but instead she sees what the boy is doing and out of fear quickly half closes her eyes again so he will not know she's awake. Then describe what she sees with her eyes half closed.

11.
Of course, Mother was dead, and this power could keep her safe from the dragons. If he could contain it and not let it ran run wild.


12.
She felt the heat, and closed her, curling into a ball next to the girl. They both screamed.
Closed her what?

13. Wait, this is only her village or town she can see so why does she think they may be the last in the world? I think we need more information to understand that. Are dragons a common event, was this expected? The characters certainly don't seem very surprised so maybe we can have a clue about that at the beginning.

14.
There were about twenty others, scattered about and quietly talking.
There may be other typos I've missed so be sure to read through this carefully at some point, just to be sure.

Overall

Okay so this is interesting! I'm very curious as to who these cave people are and they seem an interesting civilisation. I'd have liked to know more about Nayei's world though and perhaps you could have started before the fire. It would have been good to meet her family and gather some understanding of their beliefs and their ordinary selves before the catastrophe. That would have given us more grounding and more opportunity to learn about who Nayei is and what she cares about. What she's like before the catastrophe and after, how this disaster changes her.

My main concern is that it feels very rushed and a lot of action is taking place which doesn't give us much time to get to know this new world. I'd also have liked more description as it's an unfamiliar land and we don't know if it looks very much like our own or is hot and dessert like with red sands, stone buildings etc.

I hope this gives you a few things to think about!

Heather xxx

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Huli Review
Huli wrote a review · Wed Jul 11, 2012 9:16 pm

"Old men, women with little children." I think you don't need this sentence, it seems to say that these are the only other people.
Though besides that, I loved your story.

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hudakp Comment

This one really got me. I cant wait til another one of your stories :)

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ZaBodMoger
Review

This is a good catastrophe. I do find my self wishing I knew a bit about the girl and the town before this happened. I felt the reactions were genuine, and I liked the little boy and how he tried to save the town as well as his sister. The one thing about the boy is keep in mind how old he is; I have a hard time believing a seven year old would say “That wasn’t the best way to phrase it, was it?” It just seems a little too mature for him. Aside from that though I really liked it.



Life is about losing everything.
— Isabel Allende