This is the prologue of a story I'm writing.
“I can’t, Java; it wouldn’t be right,” Mike sighed. When Java arrived, his features had turned weak and brittle as he gradually grew tired her.
“Oh, stop being such a wimp. [i]I should be the one worried. If Mecka spots us, she’ll eat me not you,” Java whined as only a creature considered a slow animal could. Of course only her land cousins were slow. How could they be fast with the enormous weight of their houses?
As soon as Mike thought of the land turtles, Java immediately screeched, “Don’t be ridiculous! My cousins are so slow because they’re afraid if they move any faster, people will see how ugly green is on brown. Blue looks much better on my green! I mean, the ground doesn't even look smooth! The ocean matches my smoothness so well!”
Startled by the sudden outbreak, Mike once again wished for the constant company of the lovely Mecka instead of the horror right beside him. Ever since Java had moved to the peaceful clan of Kita from bloodthirsty and savage Tinane, every dream had been crushed. She had said when she arrived that she hated the violence in her old tribe, but Mike could see no difference between her and the rest of her people.
If eyes could glow red, Java’s would have been. Her flippers were flapping around wildly. A huge frown covered her face. There was no way to not realize she was mad -- extremely mad.
“If you’re so high and mighty,” she snared, “then I guess you wouldn’t mind me telling Mecka about your silly daydream. You know, the one where Mecka and you marry and take care of your babies. If I remember right, they were either huge starfish looking like yourself or tiny copies of Mecka as sharks.”
“When did you hear that?” he gasped. I never thought about it anywhere near you.”
Laughing, Java spoke again. “Seriously Mike, you can be so stupid sometimes. People like you can never control their brain.”
Desperate to escape the humiliation, Mike chose his only option. “Java, I’m so sorry. What can I do to make up for my horrible imagination? Please don’t destroy my reputation.”
She pondered for a moment. “Well, you could actually go with me and put the Nine-Jundred in front of Mecka’s house. I'd do that instead of letting me tell Mecka your little fantasy. ”
Mike froze. How could he choose between the two? Both of them would end up with the same result.
“If you choose to go with me,” Java said, breaking his thoughts, “Mecka wouldn't find it was you.” Smiling a poisonous smile, Mike could almost see her beck stretch.
It could be worse, he miserably thought.
“Good. Meet me at the caves at nightfall.”
“Stupid mind reader,” Mike muttered as he floated away.
“I heard that!” Java shouted joyfully.
Finally, alone, Mike rushed over to Mecka’s house at the bottom of Kita. As it gradually grew darker, a faint glow could be seen in the entrance. Farther down, he greeted Snik, Mecka’s hired guard.
“Hello Snik. Were there any problems?”
“I’ve been doing great. Today only a stupid fish was here. His parents never taught it that a light all by itself is dangerous.,” he replied grumpily.
"Oh, good, the crocodiles from Eugane never came back?
"Nope." A long pause followed his reply.
“So… is Mecka busy?”
“Ask her yourself. Go right in.”
After Mike entered and turned the corner, the light from the humpback anglerfish was reduced to nothing. Trying not to trip, he didn’t notice the shadow right behind him.
“Boo!” a voice screamed. A body landed on Mike and rolled down the hall.
Bewildered, all Mike could do was close his eyes and wait for the thing to crawl off of him.
He began to hear laughter. “I can’t believe how scared you looked, Mike!” It was Mecka.
“No fair,” he complained, “There wasn’t any chance to see you!”
“Whatever; I was behind you the whole time.”
“But…”
“Don’t worry Mike. Maybe you’ll spot me next time you visit.”
As she finished speaking, the ground began to shake. Small rocks fell onto the floor and on the heads of Mike and Mecka.
Ocean currents shook every sea creature, forcing them into corals to avoid being swept away from their homes.
Huge rocks began to cave in all the caves.
Outside, Snik swam into the sea without any hope that his employer was still alive.
Inside the cave, Mike knew he wouldn’t survive. As another rock slammed into him, he fainted.
***
As Mike woke up, no rocks stood in the way. Mecka smiled as she saw him wake up.
“Mike,” Mecka whispered, “I love you.”
Knowing subconsciously it was a dream, he whispered, “I love you.”
***
As soon as the sea was calm again and the marine life could continue life again, Java left for the border of Tinane, hoping to never return.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thanks, Rosey Unicorn. All the advice was great. The animals will hopefully be less human like in the next draft. I never noticed how the second daydream blended with the rest of reality, so it should be easier to tell now. Thanks.
Hiya! Here as requested!
Since you put no disclaimer that this is a children's story, I shall critique this like it's a Young Adult fantasy. ^_^
~ I'm trying to remember if you ever return to that point of dialogue. Hmm, I think it's part of this whole prologue, but you spend so much time describing the people, well, ocean animals, and not really the situation that I had a hard time following.
~ The "five arm" bit in this threw me. A good assumption to make is that readers assume your MC is human. Maybe introduce the whole starfish thing a bit slower?
~ Why would his arms fall off when Java came?
It's not really a good idea to put quotes in your prose.
Nice description here. Shows how this isn't exactly a human talking. ^_^
I'm curious as to what you mean with this line. I find it a bit confusing. I think "brown" means land, and "blue" means the ocean, but it's not that clear.
Why did she move?
Hmm, how can turtles frown? I would double-check that information. ^_^
I find double-negatives are hard to read. Why not try: "It was easy to tell she was mad-- extremely mad."?
Two what? ^_^ I only see Java giving him one option.
Hmm, can turtles even smile with beaks?
Thoughts should be in italics. ^_^
How can a starfish walk, especially if he doesn't have any arms/legs?
Interesting bit of characterization here. It shows how much Java likes her mind-speaking abilities. ^_^
~ How can a starfish rush?
~ What/where is Kita?
What kind of fish is Snik, if he can glow?
I'm rather confused by this bit of dialogue. It makes it seem like Snik often encounters problems, but you never really expand on that. What are the normal problems?
You can expand on this later on, but, with the confusion we have right now, it would be best if you gave us more of a hint. ^_^
~ I find this tag is a little long. Try deleting the "as" and replacing it with a period.
~ Do sharks have bodies?
Do starfish have eyes?
Hmm, I'm going to stop here and make some overall comments on your characters later on in the review.
He swum away just because of small rocks? Or did he know a full cave-in would occur?
In the whole thing about the cave, you don't actually mention that there was a cave in.
Hmm, I don't know how much actual love I see in this prologue. Deep friendship and daydreams, sure, but nothing that really says "love" to me.
~~
Realism: I would delve into animal encyclopedias to get some more information on the animals you are talking about. Animal-based stories, to be very successful, need their animals to have a good blend of animal and human traits. Right now, I find your characters a bit too "human" to properly feel like animals. The hints that they're animal become a bit annoying, then, because we find the characters so human.
Confusion: You have a lot of elements here, some being description, some being plot, and you switch between them rather suddenly. It makes us lose grip on both.
I would try reminding readers of what the plot-thread is periodically, especially after a long chunk of dialogue. It would make this more readable. ^_^
Overall: I would add more explanation in here, along with the other points I mentioned. This prologue is rather confusing, as in introduces a lot of elements at once. Here is an article on beginnings you might want to check out. ^_^
Questions? PM me.
~Rosey
Thanks for your critiques everyone. I'll add more description next time.
This is my opinion. I hope it helps.
“I can’t Java;
I think it should be "I can't, Java; It would be less confusing that way.
Since Java had arrived, his arms had slowly fallen off. First they had become dry as if he was stranded on land, then they tore away from his body from the gentle movement of the water. Now all that was left was little studs quickly growing back.
Try switching to active voice. Passive voice should be avoided. For example, the first line could be:
When Java arrived, his arms began to fall off slowly. Or something like that.
Java whined as only a creature that is always considered a “slow animal" could.
The word "that" slows down the sentence and isn't really needed. Java whined as only a creature considered a "slow animal" could.
Ever since Java had moved to the peaceful clan of Kita form bloodthirsty and savage Tinane, every dream had been crushed.
I don't understand the sentence.
A long frown covered her face.
Long frown? Try another adjective.
Desperate to escape the humility, Mike chose his only option.
It should be humiliation, not humility.
“If you choose going with me,” Java said, breaking his thoughts
"If you choose to go with me," Java said, breaking his thoughts
“at least there would be a chance that Mecka wouldn’t know it was you.”
Clunky...awkward. Try revising.
Only a stupid fish whose parents never taught it that a light all by itself is dangerous has been here,” he replied grumpily.
Clunky. Try breaking it down into two sentences.
Small rocks fell onto the floor and the heads of Mike and Mecka.
...and on the heads of Mike and Mecka.
Right outside, Snik swam off into the sea, without any hope that his employer was still alive.
Outside, Snik swam into the sea without any hope that his employer was still alive.
I don't think my revision for this one is good, but you should take out off, and the comma after sea. That much I'm sure of.
Smiling, Mike whispered again, “I love you.”
I don't think again should be in that sentence.
It's all just my opinion. I could be wrong, and you're the author after all. ^^
It's a cute concept. It just doesn't make me feel anything.
Sorry, but i don't really get what's going on. You didn't do a very good job at describing the people(no offense) but i mean, What are these people?
Are they even people at all?
From what i understand, Java, is apparently a turtle, so how could she frown?
Why does Java hope to never return?
What do these people look like?
What is Mike and why did his arms get torn off?
Why are Mike's arms growing back?
Who is Mecka? What does she look like?
Your readers need to be able to imagine what everything in the book is, I couldn't.
All you need to do is describe more, I have trouble with that too.
Keep working at it!
Hello, Eliza! I'm Music.
Grammar:
Language Usage [and whatnot]: This piece did fairly well in this department. It tended to be a bit repetitive of phrases and use at least one phrase that made no sense. Make sure you know if what you write will make sense or not to the reader. It's all in how you present it.
Imagery and Emotion: This was the most lacking part of your story.
Characters: I didn't know much about anyone. You did say that you didn't describe Mike and Mecka as much as Java, but I got to know Mike the most. Java seemed more complicated and I didn't even begin to break through her surface before she exited! Work on those descriptions, my darling!
Plot: I'll be glad when you explain what in the world a Nine-Jundred is! Haha. It was a prologue, so there's really not much commentary on the plot at the moment!
Overall, even if I might have seemed harsh (I probably just think I did, but I didn't. Hehe.), I really enjoyed the story. With hard work and editing, it could really turn into something, darling!
Love,
Music
Hello, Eliza! I'm Music.
Grammar:
Language Usage [and whatnot]: This piece did fairly well in this department. It tended to be a bit repetitive of phrases and use at least one phrase that made no sense. Make sure you know if what you write will make sense or not to the reader. It's all in how you present it.
Imagery and Emotion: This was the most lacking part of your story.
Characters: I didn't know much about anyone. You did say that you didn't describe Mike and Mecka as much as Java, but I got to know Mike the most. Java seemed more complicated and I didn't even begin to break through her surface before she exited! Work on those descriptions, my darling!
Plot: I'll be glad when you explain what in the world a Nine-Jundred is! Haha. It was a prologue, so there's really not much commentary on the plot at the moment!
Overall, even if I might have seemed harsh (I probably just think I did, but I didn't. Hehe.), I really enjoyed the story. With hard work and editing, it could really turn into something, darling!
Love,
Music
Hello, Eliza! I'm Music.
Grammar:
Startled by the sudden outbreak, Mike once again wished for the constant company of the lovely Mecka instead of the horror right beside him. Ever since Java had moved to the peaceful clan of Kita form bloodthirsty and savage Tinane, every dream had been crashed.
If eyes could glow red, Java’s would had been. Her flippers were flapping around wildly. A long frown covered her face. There was no way to not realize she was mad – extremely mad.
“If you’re so high and might,” she snared, “then I guess you wouldn’t mind me telling Mecka about your silly daydream. You know, the one where Mecka and you marry and take care of your babies. If I remember right, they were either huge starfish or tiny sharks.”
“When did you hear that?” he gasped. I never thought about it anywhere near you.”
Laughing, Java spoke again. “Seriously Mike, you can be so stupid sometimes. People like you can never control their brain.”
Desperate to escape the humility, Mike chooses his only option. “Java, I’m so sorry. What can I do to make up for my horrible imagination? Please don’t destroy my reputation.”
Pondering for a moment, Java finally responded, “Well, you could actually go with me and put the Nine-Jundred in front of Mecka’s house.”
Mike froze. How could he choose between the two? Both of them would end up with the same result.
“If you choose going with me,” Java said, breaking his thoughts, “at least there would be a chance that Macka wouldn’t know it was you.” Smiling a poisonous smile, Mike could almost see her face stretch.
It could be worse, he miserably thought.
“Good. Meet me at the caves at nightfall.”
“Stupid mind reader,” Mike muttered as he walked away.
“I heard that!” Java shouted joyfully.
Finally, alone, Mike rushed over to Mecka’s house at the bottom of Kita. As it gradually grew darker, a faint glow could be seen in the entrance. Farther down, he greeted Snik, Mecka’s hired guard.
“Hello Snik. Were there any problems?”
“I’ve been doing great. Only a stupid fish whose parents never taught it that a light all by itself is dangerous has been here,” he replied grumpily.
“So… is Mecka busy?”
“Ask her yourself. Go right in.”
After Mike entered and turned the corner, the light from the fish was reduced to nothing. Trying not to trip, he didn’t notice the shadow right behind him.
“Boo!” a voice screamed as a body landed on mike and rolled down the hall.
Bewildered, all Mike could do was close his eyes and wait for the thing to crawl off of him.
He began to hear laughter. “I can’t believe how scared you looked, Mike!” It was Mecka.
“No fair,” he complained, “There wasn’t any chance to see you!”
“Whatever; I was behind you the whole time.”
“But…”
“Don’t worry Mike. Maybe you’ll spot me next time you visit.”
As she finished speaking, the ground began to shake. Small rocks fall onto the floor and the heads of Mike and Mecka.
Right outside, Snik swam off into the sea, without any hope that his employer was still alive.
Ocean currents shook every sea creature, forcing them into corals to avoid being swept away from their homes.
Inside the cave, Mike knew he wouldn’t survive.
“Mike,” Mecka whispered, “I love you.”
Smiling, Mike whispered again, “I love you.”
***
As soon as the sea was calm again and the marine life could continue life again, Java left for the border of Tinane, hoping to never return.[/quote]