z

Young Writers Society



Doctor Two

by EliteHusky


Here is a continuation piece I'm working on, hope you find it somewhat exciting and thrilling although it is stilll in development meaning all comments and suggestions are welcome, as always.

-Elitehusky

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People stared at him as he ran along Holzner road in London but he simply didn’t care, time was of the essence.

“Excuse me, oof, pardon me,” he exclaimed as he navigated his way through the busy street of shoppers searching for a good bargain, like vultures, on this Boxing Day.

“Oh,” he said curiously,braking to examine a group of four males across the street. They were all dressed in bright yellow with the Queen’s face on each of their backs.

“That’s odd, I wonder what their up to?”

Glancing by each shoulder he faced the wide-paved road and quickly darted across it just as a limousine turned the corner and accelerated behind him, causing him to lose his right shoe in the process.

“Oy!” he turned to see one of the workers shouting after he regained the displaced shoe, “trying to get yourself killed!”

“Not right now,” he responded, regaining his facial composure after the adrenaline rush had produced a smile.

“What’s your name?” the worker said, jogging towards him as he grabbed a black talkie from his waist-belt and punched in nine digits using his black-gloved hand.

“It’s Steve,” he replied, “just Steve.”

The worker looked at him in confusion, signs of lacking sleep and weariness drenching his face, “last name too please?” he asked

“Oh right, it’s Toskala,” he answered, trying to maintain a straight composure.

“Toskala?” the older worker repeated with a hint of disbelief, "what is that, Jewish…"

“Finnish,” he interrupted, “tai voit vain soittaa minulle Doctor,” he added.

“I’ll just take your word for it, now do you have any I.D.?”

“About what?” he replied.

“No, not idea, I.D. as in identification to verify your statements.”

“With all due respect in asking this, are you arresting me and if so I thought that was under the authority of the Police only?”

“Mr. Toskala, you’re being charged with reckless jaywalking and even though I can’t personally detain you I just called one of my colleagues to do so. She should be here in about five minutes….”

“Okay, okay,” he interrupted, “by why are you here exactly, don’t the Police have bigger projects to be working on?”

“The Police are under strict new orders to follow our directions,” the man replied calmly.

“What do you mean ‘our’ directions, who are you and those men there?” he said, pointing to the other three males behind them uncovering manholes.

“For someone who mistook I.D. for idea you have a lot of questions,” the worker said, grimly admiring the other three behind himself.

“Sorry couldn’t help myself” he replied, “but why…”

Suddenly a police car turned in through the same section the limo had appeared through earlier.

“Gotta run!” he said, before regaining his sprint into one of the giant stores behind the worker.

He ran pass the help desk, turned left, and sprinted to the escalators where, after he ran down to the lower level, he pulled out his sonic screwdriver and reversed their direction of movement while increasing their speed. The air rushing against him quickly cooled his forehead after the encounter which had proved itself to be counter-productive.

Outside the building the female officer exited her car and approached the man with the black walkie-talkie.

“Where is he?’ she asked, observing the crowd around them.

“He ran inside there,” he answered, pointing to the sign which read Peacebridge Centre.

“Why didn’t you follow him?” she asked,as a man brushed against her black state uniform. She turned to look at him but only caught a glimpse of his short brown hair before 'bigbird' continued talking.

“I didn’t follow him because it wasn’t in my jurisdiction to do so,” he said angrily with a heavy stare directed towards her.

“Yet you thought it was in your jurisdiction to arrest him and summon me down here,” she countered as she gently wiped her right shoulder with her ungloved pale hand.

“May I remind you,” she continued, “this alliance is only as good as long as you don’t mess things up Herbert.”

The man rubbed his hand calmly against what used to be his short black hair, of which thanks to time, had become almost completely riddled with grey.

“Just send a plain-clothed team in, we can’t risk casualties right now.” Turning around he signalled for his partners to circle around the shopping mall.


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Thu Mar 11, 2010 3:55 am
xBweanax says...



i like the beginning of this story:). *like* i hope there is more from u ^.^




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Mon Mar 01, 2010 4:44 pm
midnightread wrote a review...



Hi EliteHusky
I like this post.
I want to know why the Doctor is in London on Boxing Day, has an alien invaded or something, and I want to know how the person who stopped him is and who the lady he called is. But I guess that if I read the second part then I might understand it. In fact I think I'll do that know.
midnightread :elephant:




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Fri Feb 13, 2009 9:11 pm
Pippiedooda wrote a review...



Hi there :) I enjoyed this piece, I loved the humour in the conversation and thought overall it was quite well written- I'm glad your continueing with it as I would like to read more! :D Here are a few coments on possible improvement:

People stared at him as ran along Holzner road


There needs to be a 'he' after as.

“Excuse me, oof, pardon me,” he exclaimed


I wouldn't really think of this as exclaiming as thats more of a shouting thing- I can't really think of an alternative that would fit other than apologized.

“Oh,” he said curiously as he braked an examined a group of four males across the street dressed in bright yellow, with the Queen’s face on each of their backs.


I think this setnece doesn't sound quite right, if you broke the sentence up and phrased it differently to say '"Oh," he said curiously, braking to examine a group of four males across the street. They were all dressed in bright yellow with the queens face on each of their backs.' it might sound better.

Looking to each shoulder he faced the wide-paved road and quickly darted across it just as a limousine turned the corner and accelerated behind him, causing him to lose his right shoe in the process.


At first I didn't understand the beginning of this. I think the sentence needs to be broken up and some of the wording changed. Something like 'glancing either side of him he quickly darted across the wide-paved road- just as a limousine turned the corner and accelerated behind him, causing him to lose his right shoe.' might be a better replacement.

he responded regaining his facial composure after the adrenaline rush had produced a smile.


there needs to be a comma after responded.

the worker said walking towards him as he grabbed a black talkie from his waist-belt and punched in nine digits using his black-gloved hand.


There needs to be a comma after said.

signs of lacking sleep and weariness drenching his face


I understand what you mean but I don't think drenching is the right word to use. I think sleep deprivation might be better than sleep lacking too. A sentence that might work better could be 'sleep deprivation and weariness clearly visible on his face.'

he answered trying to maintain a straight composure


There needs to be a comma after answered.

what is that, Jewish…


You need speech marks here.

“I’ll just take your word for it, now do you have any I.D.?”


There needs to be a comma after now and the comma after it should be replaced with a fullstop.

I thought that was in the realm of the Police only


I'm not sure about in the realm of the police- under the authority of the police might be better.

“Mr. Toskala, you’re being charged with reckless jaywalking and even though I can’t personally detain you I just called one of my collegues to do so, she should be here in about five minutes….”
“Okay, okay,” he interupted, “by why are you here exactly, don’t the Police have bigger projects to be working on?”


You need to have a gap to seperate these two different speakers and the comma after so needs to be a full stop. By needs to be but and I'd replace the comma after exactly with a dash.

“What do you mean ‘our’ directions, who are you and those men there”


This needs a question mark on the end.

the worker said grimly admiring the other three behind himself.


Grimly admiring to me sounds wrong here- I'd just end the sentence at grimly.

“Sorry couldn’t help myself”


There should be a comma at the end here.

Suddenly a police car turned in through the same section the limo had appeared through earlier


This sentence sounds a bit clumsy, I'd replace it with something like- 'Suddenly, a police car rounded the bend where the limo had appeared earlier.'

He ran pass the help desk


Pass needs to be past.

The air rushing against him quickly cooled his forehead after the encounter which had proved itself to be counter-productive.


I didn't like this sentence that much, it was always going to be a counter-productive encounter as he was being stopped by a guard. Something like 'after the futile encounter with the guard.' could work better.

Outside the building the female officer exited her car and approached the man with the black walkie-talkie.


After building you need a comma and I'm not keen on exited her car. Got out of might be better.

“He ran inside there,” he answered pointing to the sign which read Peacebridge Centre.


Need a comma after answered.

She turned to look at him but only caught a glimpse of his short brown hair before the man continued talking.


So as to avoid confusion with the new man and the guard, I'd replace 'the man' with the guard.

he said with an increasing temper in his voice.


To me this doesn't sound right- a possible replacement could be 'he said, the anger in his tone rising.'

The man brushed his own hand calmly against his short black and grey-riddled hair.


'The man ran his hand through his short, grey riddled hair.' Might work better as the hair is black and riddled with grey- not riddled with both black and grey and you don't really brush your hair- running your hands through it is an action more commonly described.

“Just send a plain-clothed team in, we can’t risk casualties right now”


You need a fullstop at the end of this.

Sorry I've written so much! Alot of the mistakes I found were in your use of commas (something I'm not great at either). I've picked out the ones I spotted but they're may be more as I'm generally not that good with punctuation stuff. I found you missed them out alot when at the end of someone talking. For instance if you have a sentence like this 'he said turning aside to face his colleague.' you would need to add a comma in after he said. I'm sure someone else would be alot better at explaining about use of commas than me!

I also found you didn't end speech with punctuation quite a few times- you always need to have a fullstop or a comma there (or exclamation or question mark). Sometimes your sentences ran on a little too long when they can be easily broken up into two or three.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this, I think you have a good story going here and I hope to read more! :D





Cheat your landlord if you can and must, but do not try to shortchange the Muse. It cannot be done. You can’t fake quality any more than you can fake a good meal.
— William S. Burroughs