Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
“Sa͑ha͓li͑*, don’t do that Velia!” I cursed in Elvish at the green sprite that had flew towards me. The green glow that floated next to me transformed into a small faerie like creature with green skin, and pointed ears. Her bright blue eyes sparkled as she doubled over and made quiet squeaking noises in her form of laughter.
I heard a deep chuckle and glanced to my right with a glare at the old man who was working over a cauldron. “It's not funny Viras. She nearly took my head off!” She chuckled a bit louder and I turned to see Velia was making exaggerated expressions behind me, mocking me. A low growl left my throat, like one of a wolf. Viras waved his hands dismissively.
“Come on Ellie, mustn't get mad at her. She’s a sprite, it's in her blood to create mischief.” He gave a raspy chuckle as he walked over. His long gray hair reached his waist. He was slightly hunched over as he walked, seeming to depend on the cane in his hand a lot. He wore gray robes and had on some old, round glasses. Past the glasses were crystal blue eyes, dancing with life. Unlike the rest of him, his eyes never seemed tired.
“I don’t see why you insist on calling me that. My name is not ‘Ellie.’” He rose a brow.
“Oh my apologies, I shall call you by your full name, Ely-” His voice was cut off by my own.
“Nope. Nope, Ellie’s perfect. Fantastic.” He chuckled in triumph and grabbed a bottle filled with something off of a nearby shelf. He then hobbled back over to his cauldron. I walked over next to him, shooing away the pesky sprite that was still by my head. I stood a few centimeters taller than him “So. What are you making?” I hummed as I peered in the pot. He chuckled again when I suddenly leaped back as a green burst shot out of the pot and fell back in.
“Yes, another batch of Alusier.” He warned. Ah, I had learned about Alusier when I was quite young. I mastered it quickly. It is commonly used to treat illness, though it is quite easy to mess up when you’re not watching.
“Someone’s sick again?” I murmured, looking at him sideways. His expression fell slightly as he nodded. Lately children had been falling ill with an unknown disease. They’d get a horrible fever and not wake up for days. When they did wake up, they’d talk about strange creatures, as if they were hallucinating. Viras and I had already figured out that it was of magical origins, but we didn’t tell anyone. He and I were the only ones here known to possess magic, they’d automatically blame one of us.
“Yes, another child. Honestly, I don’t know where this is coming from. They all just collapse all of a sudden! It's only the children falling ill as well.” He sighed and grabbed a vial to his right.
“Could someone be poisoning them?” I mumbled mostly to myself as I took the vial from him and slowly began pouring the green liquid in it. He shook his head and grabbed the vial from me, handing me another empty one.
“I’ve thought of that, but this is something no ordinary person could do. It takes powerful charms and potions to make whatever these children are getting. It can’t be the faeries, they would never do such a thing. I don’t think it originated from here, My Child. It has most likely come from the outside.” My eyes widened slightly. That was utterly impossible.
“H-how? With the shield, nothing should be able-”
“No, things are still able to get through. How do you think rain and sunlight get in?” I had thought about that, but never bothered asking… “Whatever this is, it was strong enough to penetrate the shield.” I handed the last vial back to him and leaned back against the table in thought.
“That would mean there are other people still alive out there. Other sorcerers.” I mumbled. He nodded.
“I hate to force this on you Ellie, but I must teach you to help me keep up the barrier. I am old as it is, you also need to know how in case something ever happens to me. You’d be the only one here to do it. Plus with your help, we might be able to keep out the illness.” I nodded silently. I knew I’d have to learn sooner or later.
“When do we start?” I murmured.
“I’ll come by tomorrow to help you practice on stamina.” He said with a small smile. I nodded in response. “Also, could you please take these to Arailia for me?” He said, holding a box of vials filled with Alusier.
“Sure. See you tomorrow Viras.” I said taking the boxes from him and heading out, once again dodging the small sprite as she flew after me.
* [Say-ha-lee] - Shit.
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Hello, Elesium! I know you requested this review the LONGEST of times ago, but I had left the site for a year, and was sad to find un-reviewed works that someone requested me to review. So I apologize for that.
Anyway, on to the review.
I really enjoyed this part of the chapter and I agree with AnarchyWolf that the location in which they are in should be described. It'd add more needed length to the chapter, and help the reader understand what's going on. I didn't see any grammar mistakes except in some places you didn't follow a rule. That rule is: when you end a sentence in quotations and you want to add she said, he exclaimed, ect. you end the sentence in quotations with a comma instead of a period. Example:
Other than that I enjoyed this and I really don't have more criticism. I just want to see what happens next. Keep writing, and once again sorry for the VERY late review!
~K <3
Hey. AnarchyWolf here to review.
Let's get right to it. What you did well and what I liked. In this 'part two' of the chapter one, you get a possible obstacle for the entire story here: the children are falling ill. This is good - the reader gets an inkling what the rest of the story might be about, which whets their appetite for more.
The dynamic between Ellie and Viras, the only two sorcerers in the settlement, is another well-done element in the story. Viras is old, and yet he's almost as jovial and teasing as a younger person.
Secondly, what you could improve. I think the setting needs more of a description. I know what the characters look like, but I know very little about what Viras' 'workshop' (is he even in a workshop?) or 'setting' looks like. (If this was addressed in part one, then ignore me.)
"... seeming to depend on the cane in his hand a lot..."
When the 'seeming' and 'a lot' are in the same clause, it feels like you have too many 'accessories' to it (sorry. I can't think up a better word for those kinds of words other than 'accessories'). Either stick with 'seemingly' or 'a lot'. If you stuck with 'a lot', you could add 'a lot more than he used to' to make it a little poignant or reminding the reader of how old he is. Just a suggestion, though.
“So. What are you making?”
I feel as if a comma would be better here. But it's purely personal opinion - don't change if you don't want to.
"“Come on Ellie, mustn't get mad at her...""
Literally translates to Come on Ellie, must not get mad at her.... A 'you' is needed after the comma.
Apart from these small and largely insignificant mistakes, this was a very well-written piece that provided an obstacle and a goal from the very beginning.
-AnarchyWolf
Hello! Thanks for the review!! I'll be using this and correcting mistakes in the next few days, so thanks for pointing those out~!
Why hello there!
I would like to mention in advance that I typically do not read and review novels, so I'm rather rubbish at doing it. I much prefer poetry, but I can make an exception for such a creative work as this one is. Now, on with the review! (or at least, the attempted review...)
I have arrived to review this 2nd part of a chapter
I can hardly find any grammar errors, or things along those lines, apart from a couple I will mention. The emboldened part is where I have found an error.
I'm sure this is intentional, but I'm not quite sure why Ellie is written in 'word'. Perhaps you could tell me why? I suppose this isn't a critique, more so curiosity.
You are missing a comma after said, before taking.
Perhaps you can add the word "you" before mustn't, just so it would make a bit more sense?
I'm sure I missed a couple of things there, but that's all I've got! I hope it wasn't too rubbish. Please don't take this review as negative. The positives of this
"Part Two" far outweigh the few things I have mentioned above. This truly is a spectacular story (and that's coming from someone who typically doesn't read novels on YWS). You can definitely expect to see me again for Chapter Two (or part 3 of Chapter One if that's a thing). This story is shaping up very nicely. Very well done.
Keep writing, my friend.
Hiya! Thanks for deciding to review this!! cx
I honestly have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote 'Ellie'. O.o I shall have to edit that later...
Thanks for reading and pointing out those mistakes! I'll be editing all of chapter one soon then beginning work on chapter two. cx
Sounds great! I can't wait for Chapter Two!