Losing Faith
In memory of Father Louis Blondele (1939-2009)
Remaining optimistic
In a country where killings rise
Is undoubtedly a challenge;
Like seeing with smoke in your eyes.
-
How many innocent people
Must suffer in the name of crime?
How many hearts will ache
From wounds re-opened in time?
-
I dare the thief of innocence
To stand and show their face
As the singular monster
Who stole all hope of faith.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,646 Literary Works • 672,640 Reviews
This is okay--one dimensional, as Kamas said. The rhyme here is quite nice, so good job on that. I like the whole point of the poem, the idea. It interested me. I enjoyed reading this, actually. It reminded me of Germany, and that horrible war that a lot of countries took part in to free the innocents that were at camps...
Anyhoo, nice job.
Tata!
-Mizzle
This is well done on a one-dimensional state. Otherwise these are just hollow lines, nothing but empty space behind them. The only thing that catches your reader is the rhyme that you pulled off nicely. Otherwise, the poem itself is paper thin and there is nothing to fall into. Nothing for your reader to actually think about.
Add more dimensions to your poem, poetic devices (like Amy above said) will help create that dimension that I so desperately would like.
Kamas
Hey there!
You have quite a nice rhyme scheme, here. It's not too forced. It's kind of simple, actually, but that works with what you're doing.
The rhyme, for me, is one of the only things that distinguishes the poem from, say, prose with line breaks. You could maybe consider adding in some poetic devices which will help your poem on it's way to becoming nice and fully fledged!
~Amy
Thanks for the reviews everyone!
), and will edit the poem in due course. 
I understand what you're saying, June and Juliet (lovely name, by the way
Thankyou for your kind remark, SilentOllie
I liked the rhythum in your poem, very nice, and word choices and vocabulary was well put.
Hey
'their' should be something like his or her, because you are describing a singular "thief" (you also mention a "singular monster" in the next line). Haha, sorry if this little thing seems annoying, I just kind of consider myself the Grammar Police when it comes to conventions like this!I think this was a brilliant idea for a poem. Great rhyming scheme as well. I particularly liked the last stanza. However, when you say
Hello, Ela! I've seen you reviewing around the forums and I figured I would swoop in for a review.
I would say to try not to narrate your poems like a story -- try to distinguish between poetic and nonpoetic voices by incorporating more poetic devices into this such as metaphor. Try not to just blasely narrate events to us in poetry, Ela, and instead try to verbalize it in a more creative way.
In the first two stanzas, you did a nice job with rhyme. I'm not sure what happened to it in the last stanza, haha, because the rhythm kind of broke and it lost the abcb pattern it had.
Nonetheless, I appreciated the tone of bravery that was voiced in this. Keep that stuff up and keep writing.
June