It was a Friday afternoon when Harvey Forest first strolled into his life.
The first week of September was mercifully coming to an end. The sun had already deserted the day and retreated amongst the clouds, leaving a few rays of pinkish light to stream through the gaps in the leafy ceiling, long glittering tracks catching the swirls of dust that the sixteen year old’s footprints had made as he stomped through the harmony of Conleight Forest.
Sasha threw his schoolbag down on the forest floor with a ‘thud!’, and collapsed on a rotten tree stump in the middle of a sudden clearing, sighing and loosening his tie.
Blinking, he let his eyes become accustomed to the haze of chirping birds and overgrown woodland whilst he mulled over the heavy thoughts that pressed his head, running his hands through his hair. He’d been sitting there, quite alone for little over five minutes when something sharp and bright caught his eye, a few yards away hanging on a branch of knotted oak tree, bent down to age.
Getting up, he took a few steps forward in interest. Blinded by the sharp break of light, he reached up and closed his fingers around the mysterious object.
It was a key. Heavy and old fashioned, Sasha felt a sudden jolt of fear like a note from a violin string strike through him as he held it in amazement.
Two words were neatly carved down the key’s neck, in slightly curling writing.
‘Sasha Ross’
‘What’s that you got there, then?’
The voice from behind caused Sasha to jump and spin around so quickly, he was sure he’d managed to pull a muscle in his neck. Rubbing it with one hand, a thrill of wonder exploded in his mind.
A boy was standing beside his schoolbag, a year or two older than himself, which such a pale, white face it gave him the appearance of someone who’d been recently spooked. He had shiny black hair, crooked teeth and eyes the colour of burning earth. He wore a magnificent emerald green jacket complete with polished brass buttons running down one side, his body poised and alert like a soldier’s.
He might have stepped out of a rather ambitious nightmare.
‘In your hand,’ he prompted, his tongue curling over a northern Scottish accent that could only have come from a remote place ‘Ye dinne need to worry mate, I’m nah about te mug you or anything,’
Sasha said nothing. He would have been able to, if he had wanted to. Which he most certainly didn’t.
‘Ach come on,’ said the boy again ‘I’ve only bin watching yea for a while, don’t be going all shy on me ‘cause ye think I’m a stalker’.
The boy kicked Sasha’s bag roughly aside and sat down on the tree stump. Perhaps to fill the now almost indecent silence, he unbuttoned his jacket and began to rummage in an inside pocket. Producing a pack of cigarettes, he clicked a dark black lighter up, trails of smoke now hanging over his head as he watched Sasha closely, inhaling with a sigh and a sickly cough.
‘Where ye going now?’ he asked when Sasha pulled on his blazer and crossed over to pick up his bag. If he’d learnt anything in his life, it was to keep his mouth shut.
When he went to grab it however, the boy’s arm shot out and touch his, a trace of desperation in his voice
‘What’s the rush? I only come te talk’
‘But I have to-’
‘My name’s Harvey Forest by the way,’ he said, thrusting out a pale hand. Sasha stared at it, then took it grudgingly, still perplexed
‘Sasha Ross,’ he replied, averting his eyes away. The pack of cigarettes was then pushed under his nose
‘Want one?’
He shook his head
Harvey laughed
‘Wise, very wise- what’s that in your hand then? You gonna show me at all?’ It was at this point, when the boy replaced his lighter in his inside pocket, that Sasha saw a flash of metal that starkly resembled a knife. Fear engulfing him, he held the key up
‘I just found it…’ he said dully ‘I don’t really know what it is…’
Harvey coughed, and took it in his hand. He smoothed his fingers over it, carefully examining it with his lips parted, smoke hanging above his head.
‘Nice place, this is,’ Harvey admired, now looking around
‘You’re not from here?’ Sasha asked
‘No,’ said Harvey cheerily ‘You ever heard of Salt Island?’
‘Um…no, can’t say I have’ he said
‘That’d be about right,’ said the boy ‘It’s far up in the North Sea, so not so many people know about it,’ he leant forward and whispered ‘It’s a secret, you see’
Sasha nodded slowly. He was beginning to get a clearer picture of just why this boy was here. Either he was having what his grandmother would call ‘a bad turn’ and was imagining things, or he was in fact conversing with an escaped patient from some secure place. Grappling at his own dwindling self respect, he chose the latter.
‘Right,’ he said, adopting a relaxed tone ‘so- you’re here on holiday, then?’
Harvey smiled
‘Ne Sasha. I’m here to see you’
Now Sasha felt downright terrified. He was going to be murdered, right here in Conleight forest at the tender age of sixteen. As news lines with his last school photograph flashed across his eyes, Harvey stuck his cigarette between his two front teeth, shoved his hands in his pockets, and stood up.
‘B-but,’ began Sasha in spite of himself ‘where’re you going?’
The boy gave a shaky laugh
‘Steady on now lad, first you’re asking me where I’m from…next your looking te follow me! We’ve only just met you know’
He’d almost reached the worn path that led back onto the country road when he stopped and said
‘Whoops, here, catch! I’ll leave ye te get home, your mam will be starting te worry’
The gold key flew through the air, landing at Sasha’s feet. Picking it up, he strained his eyes out at the wilderness, but the stranger was gone, his cough still rattling like a distant echo.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Huh, strange and, well, interesting. You need to work on making it a little more informative. You described Harvey, but I didn't find out what Sasha looks like.
I don't have a whole lot to say - didn't see anything crucial, grammar/punctuation wise, but I do think it could manage to be slightly more interesting. And it's not always the best idea to have a Harry Potter knock-off - well, not really ever. Try your own thing, unless you want to post in fanfic.
Well, good luck! Here's to learning new things! -glassclink-
-SELA
It was a Friday afternoon when Harvey Forest first strolled into his life. That doesn't really make sense.
The first week of September was mercifully coming to an end. The sun had already deserted the day and retreated amongst the clouds, leaving a few rays of pinkish light to stream through the gaps in the leafy ceiling, long glittering tracks catching the swirls of dust that the sixteen year old’s footprints had made as he stomped through the harmony of Conleight Forest.
Sasha threw his schoolbag down on the forest floor with a ‘thud!’, and collapsed on a rotten tree stump in the middle of a sudden clearing, sighing and loosening his tie. Sasha. Cool name.
Blinking, he let his eyes become accustomed to the haze of chirping birds and overgrown woodland whilst he mulled over the heavy thoughts that pressed his head, running his hands through his hair. He’d been sitting there, quite alone for little over five minutes when something sharp and bright caught his eye, a few yards away hanging on a branch of knotted oak tree, bent down to age.
Getting up, he took a few steps forward in interest. Blinded by the sharp break of light, he reached up and closed his fingers around the mysterious object.
It was a key. Heavy and old fashioned, Sasha felt a sudden jolt of fear like a note from a violin string strike through him as he held it in amazement.
Two words were neatly carved down the key’s neck, in slightly curling writing.
‘Sasha Ross’
‘What’s that you got there, then?’
The voice from behind caused Sasha to jump and spin around so quickly, he was sure he’d managed to pull a muscle in his neck. Rubbing it with one hand, a thrill of wonder exploded in his mind.
A boy was standing beside his schoolbag, a year or two older than himself, which such a pale, white face it gave him the appearance of someone who’d been recently spooked. He had shiny black hair, crooked teeth and eyes the colour of burning earth. He wore a magnificent emerald green jacket complete with polished brass buttons running down one side, his body poised and alert like a soldier’s. Nice description.
He might have stepped out of a rather ambitious nightmare.
‘In your hand,’ he prompted, his tongue curling over a northern Scottish accent that could only have come from a remote place ‘Ye dinne need to worry mate, I’m nah about te mug you or anything,’
Sasha said nothing. He would have been able to, if he had wanted to. Which he most certainly didn’t.
‘Ach come on,’ said the boy again ‘I’ve only bin watching yea for a while, don’t be going all shy on me ‘cause ye think I’m a stalker’.
The boy kicked Sasha’s bag roughly aside and sat down on the tree stump. Perhaps to fill the now almost indecent silence, he unbuttoned his jacket and began to rummage in an inside pocket. Producing a pack of cigarettes, he clicked a dark black lighter up, trails of smoke now hanging over his head as he watched Sasha closely, inhaling with a sigh and a sickly cough.
‘Where ye going now?’ he asked when Sasha pulled on his blazer and crossed over to pick up his bag. If he’d learnt anything in his life, it was to keep his mouth shut.
When he went to grab it however, the boy’s arm shot out and touch his, a trace of desperation in his voice
‘What’s the rush? I only come te talk’
‘But I have to-’
‘My name’s Harvey Forest by the way,’ he said, thrusting out a pale hand. Sasha stared at it, then took it grudgingly, still perplexed
‘Sasha Ross,’ he replied, averting his eyes away. The pack of cigarettes was then pushed under his nose
‘Want one?’
He shook his head
Harvey laughed
‘Wise, very wise- what’s that in your hand then? You gonna show me at all?’ It was at this point, when the boy replaced his lighter in his inside pocket, that Sasha saw a flash of metal that starkly resembled a knife. Fear engulfing him, he held the key up
‘I just found it…’ he said dully ‘I don’t really know what it is…’
Harvey coughed, and took it in his hand. He smoothed his fingers over it, carefully examining it with his lips parted, smoke hanging above his head.
‘Nice place, this is,’ Harvey admired, now looking around
‘You’re not from here?’ Sasha asked
‘No,’ said Harvey cheerily ‘You ever heard of Salt Island?’
‘Um…no, can’t say I have’ he said
‘That’d be about right,’ said the boy ‘It’s far up in the North Sea, so not so many people know about it,’ he leant forward and whispered ‘It’s a secret, you see’
Sasha nodded slowly. He was beginning to get a clearer picture of just why this boy was here. Either he was having what his grandmother would call ‘a bad turn’ and was imagining things, or he was in fact conversing with an escaped patient from some secure place. Grappling at his own dwindling self respect, he chose the latter. Hehe... funny.
‘Right,’ he said, adopting a relaxed tone ‘so- you’re here on holiday, then?’
Harvey smiled
‘Ne Sasha. I’m here to see you’
Now Sasha felt downright terrified. He was going to be murdered, right here in Conleight forest at the tender age of sixteen. As news lines with his last school photograph flashed across his eyes, Harvey stuck his cigarette between his two front teeth, shoved his hands in his pockets, and stood up.
‘B-but,’ began Sasha in spite of himself ‘where’re you going?’
The boy gave a shaky laugh
‘Steady on now lad, first you’re asking me where I’m from…next your looking te follow me! We’ve only just met you know’
He’d almost reached the worn path that led back onto the country road when he stopped and said
‘Whoops, here, catch! I’ll leave ye te get home, your mam will be starting te worry’
The gold key flew through the air, landing at Sasha’s feet. Picking it up, he strained his eyes out at the wilderness, but the stranger was gone, his cough still rattling like a distant echo.
Now I'm curious... what's just happened? What will happen? Keep writing!
Emily
Nitpicks:
Though having descriptions are nice, split that sentence up! It felt like it was meandering for a bit.
Again, split the sentence up. Too many actions or thoughts into a single sentence loses the reader's attention.
Ah, that's one of the contractions I don't really like. The 'd could really mean 'would' or had', so I guess if you want to be grammatically clear, write out 'had'.
'To' seems a little bit awkward in this case.
Strike should be 'struck'.
Ah! Too much description at once! I don't know. Describing something or someone in a paragraph like that is slightly disappointing, in my opinion. Perhaps split those details into pieces and place them in different places in a subtle manner.
Elaborate the sentence, it kind of confused me.
Period after 'place', and period replacing the last comma.
'Which' should be 'but'.
Comma after again. It's also nice how you're imitating the real accent so far.
Again, too much details in a single sentence. Don't be afraid to vary the length of your sentences.
Where are the punctuations? D:
Ditto earlier comment.
'Admired' is not used properly in this case. I would suggest changing it to something along the lines of:
'Nice place this is,' Harvey said as he admired his surroundings and glanced around.
~~~
Overall:
Well. There are a few grammar issues, I'm usually not too heavy on them, but then I guess it needs to be attended to sometimes. So yeah, try to fix up punctuations and such. I'm sure you could do that well with proofreading a few times.
The first chapter was slightly confusing. Sasha sounded like as if he knew Harvey at first, but then he didn't as explained. So yeah, be careful with how the characters interact. Ask yourself what you would do if a stranger approached you in the manner your character is being approached. Even though your character is probably different from you, still try to relate. If not to yourself, then to someone else you know well.
Style was rather simple. You had a good chunk of descriptions, but now I guess you should spice it up with more different sentence structures and maybe more figurative language. By doing that you'll also evoke your atmosphere better.
As for miscellaneous comments, I'm really curious if Sasha is named Sasha, after all, it's short form for Alexander in the Slavic language. So yeah, something to think about.
Overall, this seems to be a promising beginning. I hope the plot will grow in a unique direction.
In this sentence, it sounds like Harvey Forest is strolling into his own life. I think you should write "It was a Friday afternoon when Harvey Forest first strolled into Sasha's life". That way we know who you are talking about and there is no confusion.
Very descriptive. It really paints the picture in my head. Also, I think Conleight Forest is a good name. But I think instead of writing, "the sixteen year old's footprints", you should write, "Sasha's footprints". I know it's important to know the age of the main character, but it just sounds really awkward here. Also, you mention that he is sixteen years old later on in this chapter, so it isn't very necessary in this paragraph either.
Don't need the comma after thud.
Doesn't really make sense. It would be better without the "sudden" part.
Did you mean, "he let his ears become accustomed to the sound of chirping birds."? I think that makes much more sense.
No need for the "quite".
I think you should use, "shiny" instead of "sharp" here.
Good sentence.
When you put "Heavey and old fashioned, Sasha felt a sudden jolt of fear..." it sounds like you're saying Sasha is heavy and old fashioned, when you really mean that the key was heavey and old fashioned. So try this, "It was a heavy and old fashioned key. Sasha felt a sudden jolt of fear...".
"In slightly curled writing."
‘Sasha Ross’
‘What’s that you got there, then?’
Don't need the comma after "quickly. Also, the managed part makes it sound like he was TRYING to pull his neck. But it's up to you if you want to change that.
Very nice. Very descriptive.
Did you mean "ambiguous nightmare"? Look up the meaning of ambitious and you'll see why it doesn't make sense.
I had to read this a few times to understand what Harvey was saying. I understand that you'd like to emphasize the Scottish accent, but readers need to be able to understand the dialogue, too.
Same thing here.
No need for the "away".
I enjoyed reading this. It was really creative. It's just that some things didn't make very much sense. But this was a very good first chapter. Keep it up.