Pennies and Drains

I love this poem it gets your point across really well and I love how at the ending you explain how there not poor anymore ect very good I have to agree with everyone else.
Keep Writing!

Hello Eimear,


I really LOVED your poem, as a whole it was great! There is so much emotion and power in there. But I will still go though a few things that I like, and other things that may need to be changed. In other words,
Nitpicks:

I’m broke.
I threw my pennies down the drain,
thinking they would bubble up again, -very good
now all I have is luxury’s hunger pains
and bruises from hitching rides on trains.

I’m blushing.
Now I can’t afford even time itself,
spent it all wasting my worthless wealth, -good
now my hands are searching empty shelves,
with a face that can’t ask for help. -try: 'with a face that can only ask for help'. (No one is ever without help, ever).


I’m falling.
Through rooftops and snow soaked ditches, -Because you say 'snow soaked ditches', it makes me think "wet and cold". Maybe mention this:
shoes breaking, lips freezing, skin in stitches,
dreaming for security, for warmth, over riches
dodging debt collectors and other witches. -love it!!

I’m waking.
From a nightmare I thought I was trapped in,
friends who have hands to place my own in, -OK, but maybe could be re-worded
a car with a parent to turn and pick me up in
a childhood house to hide from winter in.
See, there is help and guidance

I’m growing.
Into an adult before my eyes,
who after a million squandered tries,
Is saving pennies and turning from lies,
who was once a child, is now old and wise. -very, very good
Last paragraph is perfect!

"This is a great poem"
"I loved this poem!"
"Keep writing"

I don't want to sound like everyone else on this post, but this poem is absolutely profound.
I found personal meaning in it for myself.

Love the rhythm and the way it's set up. Great poem!

I agree with wewinwelose. For me, the rhyme wasn' constant and it did sound pretty forced. Although it did end up giving the poem a natural rhythm which is good, some of the rhyming words aren't what I would say 'natural' in other words, they didn't end in the same sort of way they just sounded similar.

I only have one nit pick and that is I think you mean luxuries instead of luxury's.

I think it is an original concept, which certainly grabs my attention, and with some tweaking it could be very good.

Well done

Keep writing.

Overall this is a great poem, though I do have a few comments on it that I would like to make. First off, though I love constant rhyming as much as anyone, it doesn't always work in each and every poem. The ryhming in this poem feels kind of forced, especially when you're trying to rhyme ditches with witches. Also, I love vague poetry but you kind of leave some things in complete darkness, that's okay if that was your intent, but if you intent was for complete understanding of the reader, try expanding.

Hey,
Just gotta say I loved this poem!
It's really well written and I think you get a good point across!
So well done and keep writing!
Felix Windbow