Published February 12, 2008
Where will you go,
When it gets too much to bear?
And I will try to meet you there.
When death's cold hand,
Has led him far away.
Leaving you stuck,
In the realms and realms of despair.
I will go, and meet you there.
When visitors fade,
And curtains are no longer drawn,
And when you can finally say
'Now, he is gone'
Just think of me,
For the pain and grief,
I share!
Open your eyes,
For I am there.
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Another excellent piece:) I think I can offer more suggestions for this one than for the other, though.
I would get rid of the 'and'.The 'him' here is too vague; it doesn't represent anything.
This line is definately overdramatic. I'd at least tone it down, if not cut it out.
Again, the 'he' is too vague.
I'd get rid of the exclamation point.
I really like your repetition of 'I am there', and especially the last line.
Hope my advice helps!
*adna*
I agree with Melja. The poem is way too vague to lead anywhere. It's like listening to two people share an inside joke...you have no idea what's going on. You don't know the context and you don't know why it's funny. Here, I don't know the context, or the story behind it, and I don't know why it's meaningful.
The many different people--"I" and "you" and "him" are all confusing especially when we have no way of distinguishing them as personalities.
And "realms and realms of despair"? You win the emo award. By far. Now please cut at least that phrase out. It reeks of many tasteless things, such as cliches, diary entries, song lyrics, and bad fantasy novels.
This is a very vague poem. The "you" is undefined, there's a lot of "it"s and "there"s. How could anyone relate if it's not specific enough for them to catch?
The repetition of "I will go and meet you there" in all its variations is used too often to be effective (it also makes it read as formulaic). Personally, I'd take out the first one and let the drama build up for the first half of the poem. Otherwise, the ending just falls flat.
Just gonna go through this line by line:
Where will you go,
When it gets too much to bear?
And I will try to meet you there. <<< This doesn't sound right starting with "and"
When death's cold hand,
Has led him far away. <<< I'd put a comma here instead
Leaving you stuck,
In the realms and realms of despair.
I will go, and meet you there. <<< I like the repetition here
When visitors fade,
And curtains are no longer drawn,
And when you can finally say
'Now, he is gone'
Just think of me,
For the pain and grief,
I share! <<< Not sure about the exclamation mark here
Open your eyes,
For I am there. <<< Again, liking the repetition
This is nice, I like the sentiment of the poem. The repetition works well, however, I would like to hear more about this place - you ask where it is, and I am still wondering, some imagery and description wouldn't go amiss, just to paint a picture, even if it is a metaphorical one. Very good, though. Keep writing!